Author Archive for M. Toole
US May Magnetize Proposed Wall
(El Pesto) Shadow forces within the United States government continue to insist that robots from “another place and time” are illegally crossing our southern borders to take jobs away from American workers.
The answer to the problem: Magnetized walls from here to the Pacific Ocean.
Although no immigration wall of this magnitude currently exists many leading social and law enforcement agencies are calling for more security on top of what is yet to be built. Construction of a permanent control structure, once the kingpin of the Trump campaign appears to have fallen through the cracks in light of Russian probes, expensive Florida vacations and the crisis with North Korea.
And now it’s robots.
As anyone educated in the United States knows robots are built of metal and are governed by the laws of gravity and negative attraction factors that are known to immobilize robots. The clandestine blueprint, which allegedly calls for the installation of over 2 billion mounted microscopic magnets on the south side of the wall, has been criticized by a plethora of local business and civic groups and even human rights groups who say the action is not necessary.
“These robots are a figment of a paranoid imagination,” said one small border town mayor. If there are robots coming our way they will most likely take to performing jobs that no one else wants to do. The numbers may spike at first but will soon settle down in response to a sluggish economy like the human surge a few years ago”
He went on to add that most robots are economic refugees and do not pose problems for society.
“There are a few gangsters and criminal robots to be sure,” he frowned, “but what we need are better methods for culling these intruders and separating the bad apples from the good ones.”
Many residents confirm that no new wall has been constructed and that skeleton crews are only repairing existing infrastructure along the existing frontier.
“I for one wish they’d get off this wall business and rebuild the rotting infrastructure in the rest of the country,” scoffed the mayoral source. “Nobody seems too interested in this kind of work. Maybe there’s not enough money to be made. Maybe these robots would be interested in a little moonlighting.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Most Yeti Are Peaceful Herbivores
Summer campers received some good news today as a long-awaited study has concluded the most Yeti (also spelled Yetti) are not a threat.
The Himalayan Bigfoot that roam the Rockies from Canada to Mexico can however be provoked, and present a formidable adversary in the forest.
Campers advised to leave the canned fruit and fresh vegetables at home and barbecue steaks and fish on their grills. There have been only a few recorded incidents of contact this summer mostly in the San Juans. All of them have occurred due to humans leaving Yeti yummies and Bigfoot bites unattended when they turn in for the night.
Our large midnight intruders are not thieves by nature and would prefer to ask before helping themselves to a skillet of caramel carrots, curing kale or a plate of unfinished salad. Usually campers are already dozing when the munchies hit and courageous Sasquatch enter a tent site.
Most Bigfoot are content to chew on sagebrush and down copious amounts of skunk cabbage while grazing on high meadow grasses. They love baseball and quiet, well-behaved children while disdaining dogs, small four-wheelers and fireworks.
The appearance of teeming marmot herds often herald the arrival of Yetti to an isolated camp or even a cabin. It is not clear whether the large rodents are driven by the larger Yetti or if the marmots are trying to get out of the way of what they perceive as potential trouble. Outdoorsmen know this. Tourists should take heed.
“Don’t hassle the Yetti or stare in the direction of the beast since this kind of behavior is regarded as aggressive by the mythical creatures,” said one park ranger. “Big Foot is not a name they appreciate. Would you? In addition these creatures do not trust humans. Do you?”
The mindless tourist economy has all but spelled the end to the Yetti, whom, like the bear and the lion are running out of elbow room.
“People worry and moan about reintroducing predators to Colorado and yet leave the gates open during tourist season,” warned one unreliable source. “Frankly I’d rather have a moose or wolf in my front yard than one of those monster RV units.”
– Uncle Pahgre
INJURY-FREE 2017 AT LOCAL CAR WASHES
(Montrose) Not one person was lost in Montrose car washes so far in 2017 according to the Occupational Safety and Health Association . This phenomenon, when compared to 2016 when seven residents disappeared in the fine, soapy mists of cleanliness, was lauded as a great achievement by the city’s mayor and council, who spoke anonymously.
It is estimated that 148,937 persons washed cars here from January through August, up 14% from 2016. This year the slate is clean while some 22 persons were injured or at least chronicled as victims of the technology.
“We think the entire industry deserves a pat on the back because we can’t think of anything more pertinent to say,” said one city councilperson. “If other industries like banking (where hundreds are lost to ATM machines annually) and dog food producers (kibble dust) would take a hint here quality of life would improve for all of us.”
One local merchant Mango T. Gargoyle III, owner of Mango’s Mindanao Tiger Traps, of Spring Creek Mesa, praised the car wash attendants saying that without their keen vigil losses might have been substantial.
“Although not trained in an variety of medical emergency response these brave car wash technicians are a tough, savvy breed, capable of search and rescue procedures not known to the average Joe,” he quipped.
Gargoyle has been under investigation by both OSHA and the Colorado Department of Health for alleged safety abuses in the jungle and in the employee lunch room.
“They just won’t climb off my posterior!” he complained. “I pay taxes. I employee people all over the world. OK, so on occasion (OSHA estimates 300 former employees lost in 2015 alone) we lose a few workers. Lord knows with the state of affairs in 2017 people, and not tigers, are the expendable element.”
Meanwhile a gala celebration is slated for October with balloons, fireworks, rodent dogs and a visit from former Transportation Secretary, Federico Pena, who, much like Geraldo Rivera, is under investigation for manipulating his Hispanic heritage for ill gotten gains.
“We hope that 2017 will be incident free,” said one car wash troubleshooter. “I hate like hell trying to retrieve customers from our car wash. It’s really wet in there and they always struggle when I put them in the blower/microwave to dry.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Can Openers Beneficial
(Somewhere near Gunnison, summer 1882)
Cowboys working the herds from here to Laredo learn real quick, especially when it comes to their chow. Thanks to the invention of the can opener the joys of the chuckwagon have now become even more accessible.
“This little gadget has made it possible to eat and run,” said one cowpoke. Sometimes we don’t get the chance to sit down to dinner. The cows don’t always wait until we finish eating to stampede or wander off.”
One camp cook employed by the Circle D Cattle Company told The Horseshoe that he didn’t know how they got along without it.
“I don’t know how we got along without it,” he said.
The metal opener is designed to fit under the brim of a can and, with a simple turn of the wrist, the top of the can is separated from the holding portion. Some cooks claim that they can open 10 cans in 10 minutes although the boast has been questioned by record keepers from Montana to Texas.
“Now if someone would only invent canned beans we would be in total harmony with our surroundings,” said the cook.
-Wardeene Scrubb
Seventy-Three Years Ago This Month
Due to a boisterous night in town, followed by an industrial strength hangover, Private 3rd Class (Bulk Rate) Melvin Toole overslept and got on the wrong transport ship. In so doing, the hapless Toole missed the entire D-Day operation. Instead of landing on Omaha Beach, as planned, Toole ended up on a mail ship bound for Borneo. Fortunately, he was discovered loitering along the poop deck, and was returned to England before crossing the International Date Line. Toole spent the remainder of the war operating a USO London commissary, which specialized in chipped beef. His idle hours were engaged in babysitting beautiful British women whose boyfriends were away fighting the Japanese in Burma. In April of 1945 he was given a commendation by Queen Larry II for his Yorkshire pudding.
Fifty-Three Years Ago This Month
Western State Colorado University, in conjunction with Western Scholar’s Year, presents a one- man show by Colorado Division of Transportation artist, Melvin Toole, on Saturday, September 30, at Potter Hall. Toole is easily the most famous graphic artists ever employed by the state highway department. He is the creator of many classic signs and symbols, including the popular bold arrow series, the blinking amber warning light, an assortment of runaway railroad related graphics and the highly functional color coded signal light format that has been adopted by over 30 failed nations worldwide. Admission is free and many of the works are for sale. See you there!
