Author Archive for M. Toole
Baseball to Expand to Eleven Players
(New York) Major League Baseball has announced that it will expand on-field rosters in 2018 so as to make the game more interesting. The decision to go from the traditional nine players to a bulked up eleven was received with mixed reviews by baseball’s loyal followers.
Many say Major League Baseball is eager to capitalize on the popularity of football while distancing itself from the more violent sport. Architects of the plan insist that 2 more players on the field will pique interest in the stands and at home on television.
Proponents of the changes say their decision had nothing whatsoever to do with the rabid popularity of football, the darling of TV and a sport that employs eleven players on the field at a given time.
“A lot of us are still getting over the designated hitter clause in the American League,” said Spike Mulroony, a Baltimore Oriole fan who lives in Washington DC. “Now they want to augment the current rosters by going to eleven players on the field.”
O’Toole said the move would further dilute the already dwindling pool of talent that now exists.
“Just so long as they don’t increase the number of pitchers used at one time,” suggested ” Mulroony. “It’s important to keep the 150-year legacy intact but with the price of a hot dog at the ball park who’s going to notice another outfielder or two?”
Actually the specific expansion will affect two newly created positions on the diamond. The first will be a logical fourth fielder who will play short center field or be pulled in to the infield to cut off the run at the plate. The second will be a super-utility player who might find himself filling the hole between first and second or backing up the catcher.
“We feel that the addition of two new positions will make the game more competitive,” said former Florida governor, Jeb Bush, soon-to-be appointed Commissioner of Baseball. “There was far too much offense last year and the serious fan wants a return to the pitcher’s duel and the one run difference.”
Bush added that football has eleven men on the field at once and baseball has nothing to fear in embracing that numerical relationship.
Republicans in Congress are skeptical as to the move. Some say it is nothing more than another poorly disguised jobs bill aimed at employing more people on at least a seasonal basis.
“Presumably the size of the entire roster will increase” said Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). Teams will be forced to add four players to play the two extra ones. This reeks of monopoly and we will consider anti-trust legislation to protect the integrity of professional sports.”
Product endorsements and the sales of professional team gear should not be affected.
– Rocky Flats
Kroger Eyes Lake City Super Store
(Hinsdale County) The Kroger Corporation, masked as City Market, is considering an expansion into remote and tiny Lake City it was announced today. The plan calls for a high altitude storage warehouse at a secret location on Ocean Wave Drive, according to a press release received this morning.
As most of us already know it is easier to preserve food at higher elevations. The proposed satellite posting could help the giant grocer make even more money by cutting waste.
“Sure we have to dump a lot of the perishable goods,” explained one executive, “that don’t sell by the date inscribed but those canned goods and boxed commodities can survive forever, especially in the dryer air above 8500 feet.”
Rumors had already begun to circulate the town as to establishment of a brothel on the site due to a small typographical error in the press release. Kroger and the Town of Lake City quickly terminated these circulations.
“Warehouse…a warehouse, although one that will coexist with our historically designated master plan here,” said a town father.
When completed the facility will house eight distinct departments and employ 100 people. Reports that a retail operation will be included in the ambitious projections were confirmed by an upstairs Kroger source saying, “Why not sell groceries. We’ll already be in town.”
Colossal Wildflower Smuggling Ring Nailed
(Crested Butte) An international smuggling ring concentrating on fragile wildflowers has been brought to its knees according to agents of the Treasury Department and the U. S. Forest Service. At present over 200 arrests have been made and a subsequent roundup is expected over the weekend.
An excited Treasury Department source said the ring had been responsible for the illegal export of over 5000 wildflower bouquets per week since May. The flowers usually end up in places like Los Angeles and New York where shady florists buy them cheap in bulk and often turn them the same day.
“Despite the perishable nature of the contraband the smuggling is very profitable due to a low overhead and a constant supply of product through the summer,” said one agent. “We have caught people strolling out of the state with a just a handful of flowers and have busted massive refrigeration trucks. In the final analysis there’s really no way to determine how many criminals are engaged in the conspiracy.”
Some local residents even think the incarcerated Unibomber, Ted Kaczynski, is the big kahuna in the heralded flower heists.
“Why wouldn’t he be?” asked one horticulturists attached to the Rocky Mountain Biological Warfare Laboratory at Gothic. “We see people that look like the Unibomber driving through town every day. We think he’s in cahoots with Charlie Manson who may be orchestrating the entire scam from his jail cell.”
Operatives often pose as simple tourists who, despite laws prohibiting this kind of activity, pick wildflowers to take home to transplant in their flatland gardens. Canned excuses for the behavior run from “I’m only going to take a few” to “They’re going to die anyway.”
Residents who observe any questionable behavior in the field are asked to call 911.
DISNEY EYES COMMUNIST THEME PARK IN CUBA
(Havana UPS) Unconfirmed sources within the Disney corporate network have announced plans to pursue the rights to the construction of a Communist Theme Park here in Old Havana. Alluding to the fact that Cuba is the sole heir to the Marxist ideology, Disney wants to document that period in history with frightening roller coaster rides, sub-tropical sweetmeats and tumultuous economic amusements aimed at recording the ongoing social experiment.
Despite the large campaign contributions from Cuban dissidents in Miami, world opinion will dictate a change. Politicians in the Estados will soon be forced terminate the bully approach and make peace with Cuba,” said Mickey Duck, vice president of pasteurized cruise lines for Disney. “and when they do our systems will already be in place, insuring visitors from the north that they can set foot on Cuban soil without really having to deal with any Cubans. Our hermetically sealed vacations are the stuff of which legends are made,” he said. “Dirt is out and the cleanliness is in.”
At present, however, negotiations are at a standstill. The Cuban government wants portraits of fatigued Fidel Castro and the late Che Guevara displayed all about the park while the Disney people are holding firm on trademarks, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck. and Goofy (coincidentally the logo of the Department of Cuban Affairs since Castro came to power). In this clash of ideologies insiders confirm that money will win out over revolution.
The Yanquis are so sure of the outcome that they have already sunk millions of dollars in the planning stages. The structure of the proposed park is expected to follow the Disney blueprint with segmented attractions following distinct themes. Most of the rides in the exhilarating, yet squeaky clean, Caribe Village will be built with parts from Fifties era autos that currently line Havana’s streets and back alleys. Attractions like the Joe Stalin Mustache Ride and the Batista Whirl are sure to be favorites.
A dazzling, antiseptic Third World Night life park, offering safe, diluted 3.2 rum drinks and politically incorrect hand-rolled Monte Cristo cigars at inflated prices, will rock until at least dark. Although clean jean Disney stockholders, uncomfortable out of their Puritan comfort zone have began squirming at the thought of vices within the confines of the park, they are expected to bow to lucrative fiscal projections (profits). This sector will be built next to the loud, brightly colored Habaneraland, which celebrates the golden age of Cuban music and dance despite the almost forty-year economic embargo.
Sugar Cane Denial Land, chronicles CIA efforts to sabotage desperate Cuban attempts to harvest its major crop in the Sixties. (It was legitimate. The god-less commies were sending sugar to Russia). A proposed haunted house complete with snarling Communist bogeymen is sure to be a hit. The Latin American version of Frontierland will substitute Bay of Pig exiles for warpainted Indians and Russian missiles for coonskin caps according to Disney spokespersons.
Finally, in what is perhaps the most demanding challenge to date, Disney will wade into the surf with Cuban Flotillaland (rhymes with tortillaland) with 24-hour ferries from the island nation to the Florida Keys. This theme will be carried over like a video game only involving real Cuban gunboats, desperate economic refugees and the vigilant U.S. Coastguard.
Virgin charter flights are already being arranged from Nicaragua, Canada and Mexico.
– Richard “Santiago” Ricardo
Magnesium Chloride Savior of Civilization
(Ouray) Layers of Magnesium Chloride hitting the highways in Colorado not only effectively melt ice and snow but keeps the encroaching pine and aspen jungle at bay.
According to sources at the Colorado Department of Transportation, the secondary advantages of the chemical application comes as a bit of a surprise and may outweigh the initial benefits associated with dry roads and safe motoring..
“We can’t have the savage forests of Western Colorado dominating town streets and areas of higher population,” said an organic chemist at CDOT who is regarded as the folcrum behind most road treatment projects.
The trees, which threatened to engulf most communities only a few years back are now under control. Many along the highways have died due to the exposure to mag-chloride, which, according to a slew of tests and surveys conducted in Denver, is in no way harmful to humans.
“We don’t know what the overall, long-term effect will be on deer and elk,” said the chemist, “but the magpies seem to be healthy enough.”
When road crews first began applying mag-chloride to the highways it seemed to be the most logical approach to the problem of winter conditions here. Now, after criticism from environmental groups and others who say the winter sun melts the snow in good time.
“Did the Town of Ridgway get a good deal on the stuff?” asked one local critic of the program which she conceded does keep dust down in summer. “I’d rather have a little dust than dead trees and the negative impact on my vehicle. Somebody’s making money on this operation and I don’t mean the average highway worker. It still is not clear how the whole arrangement came down and we fear that someone is being bought off at the upper levels of the existing hierarchy.”
A spokesman for the state transportation agency called the accusations total nonsense saying the mag-chloride is necessary to stay on top of record snowfalls and below average temperatures which “turn the roads to skating rinks and impassible routes to nowhere.”
But now with the realization that mag-chloride kills bad trees and vegetation, the issue is once again on the table as well as up in the air.
“We’re not talking Agent Orange here, or even a less potent defoliant. It’s just mag-chloride,” said the spokesman. “It’s as safe as any other chemical currently in use. Besides, without those trees clogging up everything it’s far easier and cheaper to carry out mowing operations.”
One environmentalist organization, calling itself Western Wilderness Warriors has called for the closure of all highways until the matter is resolved. They insist that the trees have rights and deserve consideration.
“We already see loss of pristine forests to logging and to the construction of subdivisions,” said a release from WWW. “Why do we have to jeopardize our resources just to melt the snow faster. We have lost touch with what is natural on the planet and she is going to come back with a vengeance, just wait and see.”
CDOT sources say that they would prefer building fence and mowing to the application of the chemicals but that, much like nuclear waste, they wouldn’t know what to do with the unused gallons already on site.
“We can’t just dump it in a hole and walk away,” said one worker.
