Author Archive for M. Toole
Ouray Siren Recovered
Sounding off in middle of night
The Historic Ouray town siren, which for years only sounded at noon, is once again in the hands of responsible parties according to authorities here. Over the past few weeks residents have been exposed to extended siren use in the middle of the night for everything from cats in trees to barbecue blazes and it’s not even summer yet.
“First we thought the television police had gotten hold of the thing,” said Melvin Toole of the Ouray Dice Park Coalition. “That would be irritating enough, but then we realized our worst fears when it became apparent that snow anarchists from Silverton had made off with the sounding device.”
Apparently the anarchist element from San Juan County, dubbed White Noise, had set the siren up near Mount Abram intent on barraging its neighbor town with siren shrills all day and night until Ouray surrendered to higher up demands regarding Ruby Wall and dynamite futures.
Authorities told The Horseshoe that at first it appeared that the alarm device had caught a virus from siren-happy contingents in Gunnison.
“It was the same old Boy Who Cried Wolf routine, or so we thought,” said one city spokesperson. “Then, when we met up with fringe elements of the anarchist group at in the cookie aisle at Duckett’s we figured something was fishy.”
“That’s all we need with the tourist cruise ships coming in,” barked Toole.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
“The mind is its own place and in itself make a Heaven of Hell and a Hell of Heaven.” – Lucifer in Milton’s “Paradise Lost” – Blabbermouth Milton was less than concise in his ten books with over ten thousand lines of verse. He could have covered the subject in two paragraphs.
CONGRESS TO UNDRESS E-MAIL ADDICTION
Sputniks in Cyberspace?
(Washington) The situation is worse than imagined. That’s the conclusion of a Congressional sub-committee on the sensitive subject of E-Mail addiction.
At press time more and more people are accessing the Internet and with it the ability to send messages on-line. Soon many become addicted to the instant gratification that comes from split second electronic chatter. Then they start sending small talk and inconsequential banter over the net.
“The most severely addicted send meaningless drivel to a host of destinations,” said one investigator. “Lots of times they don’t even know with whom they are communicating. They spend countless hours at the computer sending what is in affect junk mail.”
In many instances the lame messages are quickly deleted by the receiver upon recognizing the sender’s name on the in box roster which is noting more than a waste of time.
“Imagine a woman in Missouri waiting for a new catfish and black-eyed peas recipe from her mother in Louisiana when all of a sudden she gets one of those puked family Christmas updates on E-Mail,” said one committee member. “It could easily be enough to ruin her appetite for the holidays.”
After the the summer recess Congress will decide if legislation is necessary to prevent the spread of this disease. According to unconfirmed sources here the law makers agree that such practices are an invasion of privacy but have yet to determine if constant E-Mail activity can be treated as a social disease.
“We’d like to find a cure before it’s too late,” continued the source. “If these people had to go to the trouble of mailing a letter one wouldn’t hear from them in a coon’s age.”
“He cannot think without his hat.” – Samuel Beckett, Waiting For Godot (1952)
COLUMBINE FIELD TRIP NETS POLARITY
(Montrose) Students at Columbine Middle School have discovered the existence of what teachers think is the North Pole during a seasonal field trip on the Uncompahgre Plateau. Participants, collecting rocks for a school terrarium, stumbled across small stones containing an iron ore thought to be magnetite.
“One end of the stone was obviously attracted by the earth’s north pole while the other end was attracted by the earth’s south pole. This is powerful medicine to say the least,” said one teacher.
Up until now most people believed that the North Pole was nothing more than the fictitious home of Santa Claus and that the South Pole was full of worthless penguins hanging out waiting to be eaten by polar bears or sharks. The rest thought magnetic pull was a result of witchcraft.
“Last year all we got out of the annual field trip was a field. This year we may be on our way to developing electromagnets,” said the teacher.
– Laura Borealis
GOVERNMENT TAKING YOUR TVS
Guns Safe For Now
(Montrose) With a federal mandate overlooked by the FCC all television is slated to be blacked out through July. This would include would include video games and internet.
Antennas, radios other listening devices are no use in this atmosphere of fear and trepidation. Citizens will have until June 15 to self-adjust and fill out forehead and background checks to qualify for state-subsidized fossil fuel powered stations in the future.
The old signal baggage (a faire signe la coquine) has been relocated to an unknown telecommunications space satellite somewhere upstairs. The keys to the entire outfit are reportedly “orbiting the earth as we speak”, according to the source, who refused to elaborate.
In response to this entertainment void the City of Montrose has begun installing hundreds of chessboards. Made of local wood products, the small tables dot the downtown and in tranquil, remote locations within the burgh. In addition the San Juan Horseshoe will begin publishing three magazines, two dailies, a bi-monthly sports review, a weekly, a real estate guide, a weather flyer and a weekend broadsheet. The website, a former monthly newspaper, will also give free tango lessons on Thursdays.
According to a gov’ment source familiar with these kinds of occurrences, the reason for the idiotboxus interruptus is the need for a realignment or in laymen’s terms to muck out positive and negative cholestérol from cable lines and wireless installations at the East Pole.
First industrial checkup since ____ (the day that Congress loosened controls on multiple media ownership in same markets.)
In spite of news accounts on several networks there will be no need to surrender your TVs. FCC deputies will not be coming by to collect them.
“In September or so we’ll do a quick assessment and see if anyone wants the system recharged or if they noticed its absence,” said a technician who watches wires at the government agency. “Maybe then we’ll leave it in sleep mode until football season.”
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Identity Brokers in Town Tuesday
(Almont) Representatives from the nation’s top identity brokerages will be in town this week hoping to acquire as many as 600 local identities. Once called identity theft, and heralded as a threat to fiscal well-being, the emerging practice of paying cash for people’s identities, now legal, has grown into a billion dollar enterprise.
“Once we convinced the government leaders that it would be easier to manipulate public opinion with many identities under the one roof of corporate sponsorship, we were on the way,” said Norm Valaparaiso, who alone has over 7000 identities in his trophy case. “The Congress passed an amendment, the President signed it off and we began recruiting willing identities right out in the open.”
Residents willing to sell their identity should assemble at dawn at the confluence of the East and Slate Rivers, and bring along an overnight case. Despite a slight drop in demand over the summer and fluctuating interest rates, most identities are still bringing in about $2.39 per pound. Analysts hope that projected inflation will drive prices up and precipitate increased interest on the part of the general population.
“Right now it’s a buyer’s market. They’re scared. They’re waiting,” said Valaparaiso. “I don’t blame them.
Local Woman Wins Nobel Prize
Hack after receiving the news of her prize
(Stockholm UPS) After minutes of deliberation the Nobel Committee on Non-Essential Pomp awarded this year’s prize for apathy to Dubbie Hack of Olathe.
A spokesman for the group, Svim Orsinke, explained:
“Vell ve yust could not decide between Dub and anoder American, Al Gore. Den ve found out dot Gore tinks he cares, and tinks he does his yob. He even tinks he will be elected President. Dub, on da odder hand, has never kidded herself on dese madders.”
The monetary prize is traditionally awarded to one who displays concerted disinterest, steadfast indifference and/or a strong and resolute lack of concern for all of humanity.
Dub shot to immediate dark fame after she ran over her grandmother on her way to the liquor store last July. When questioned by authorities regarding the old woman in the driveway Dub explained that he had been in a hurry to get to the store before All-star Nordic Wrestling hit the airwaves. The incident was then called accidental by police and no charges were filed.
Critics question the link between the Nobel Committee and Nordic Wrestling Federation suggesting collusion or at the very least tampering and election fraud.
“She might have made it to the mailbox if I hadn’t nailed her on the way back too,” Hack quipped, rolling her eyes. “What had she doing out there on the driveway anyway?” The woman should have been wearing lights or at least an orange vest.”
When told of the decision Dub said he was honored and inquired about said cash awards.
“The gods love the obscure and hate the obvious.”
The Upanishads (800-500 BC)
