Author Archive for M. Toole
Snoop on the Tube
American culture has finally lapped itself with the new Joker’s Wild, a late night game show with Snoop Doggie Dog as the host.
Depends Intros Opinion Pants
“Everyone has one and it often gets messy”. That’s the slogan for Depenz new Opinion Pants that have only yesterday been approved by a slew of unnecessary federal agencies and echoed by floundering consumer protection eunuchs.
The pants, made of synthetic hemp, can be worn on the inside or the outside and are not just for older people. The wrap not only keep one’s sense of humor dry but it mutes and edits verbiage transmitted from vital organs according to a spokesperson for Depenz.
One could only expect to see a variety of applications from bar chatter to family dinners, and from city council minutes to law enforcement efforts.
Everyone needs a little control when it comes to relieving themselves through hasty or mindless opinions, according to the innovative company. These are apt to do the trick!
Despite all the excitement the release of the product is not expected until November. Interested consumers are asked to “just shut up” until then.
– Fred Zeppelin
House Thefts Up Nationwide
(New York) The number of houses stolen so far has risen sharply indicating a desperation on the part of the poor and the emergence of more capable thieves. For years burglars were content to break into a home and steal smaller items like jewelry, cash and weapons. Today the high tech crook sees this as small potatoes compared to taking the entire structure.
Gated communities, once thought to keep out negative elements with sticky fingers, have been particularly hard hit with some fourteen second homes ripped off so far this year (3 alone in California).
“Let’s be real here,” said one security guard working near Villa la Basura in Southern California. “If a thief has it on his mind to haul off a house no gate is going to stop him. For what we are paid I can’t see any in the brotherhood of security personnel sticking out his neck to save some rich person’s property.”
One would think that the authorities might have some success catching robbers with an entire house in their possession.
“The police have made some arrests but most of these thefts occur late at night after everyone has gone to bed,” said one police spokesman. “The best advice is to stay home with your rifle handy. These low life types are looking for easy targets and will generally back off when confronted.”
Some security experts go so far as to propose mining a property so as to deprive the thief of access. Attempts to booby-trap foundations or dredge extensive moats have proved disastrous.
The sad scenario of house theft often follows a basic pattern with thieves hauling it off to a secluded spot where the spoils are then divided up at leisure.
“They take everything,” said one Colorado man whose house disappeared back in December. “All we have left is a lot. They even took the dog.”
– Small Mouth Bess
“Get there first with the most men.”
– Nathan Bedford Forrest, Confederate army general (1821-1877)
Horseshoe Corrects Copyright Snafu
(Denver) The San Juan Horseshoe is back in the driver’s seat regarding potential copyright infringements, according to publisher for life General Kashmir Horseshoe. As of this morning all of the paper’s work is registered with the Library of Congress and thus is protected from possible violations by federal law.
“For over a decade, one of our former employees has been religiously sending the papers to the Congress Lounge, at Grant and East Colfax in Denver, instead of forwarding a sample issue to the Library of Congress for documentation,” said Horseshoe. “While most of the paper’s staff has spent time hanging off the bar, hobnobbing with lobbyists and chatting with politicians at the Congress, the lounge really has no capacity to address the copyright laws,” he explained. “The owners are interested in moving drinks, not establishing archives.”
Horseshoe went on to suggest that he would be surprised if anyone wanted to steal from his paper anyway.
“That would be a desperate, wanton act that should be punishable by a slow death or a swift lobotomy,” he smiled, adding that the Congress Lounge would still receive a complimentary subscription each month for its trouble.
– Melvin Toole
“Systems never work. Embrace chaos.”
– Mr. Toad, in Zippy the Pinhead by Bill Griffith.
Say Goodbye to Jardin
Packed up and ready to go. With friends Xavi and Soley on the plaza after lunch.
NHL TO OFFER BULK ICE
(Toronto) The National Hockey League today announced that it would go ahead with plans to sell bulk ice this winter if budget problems continue. While most of the sales would take place in Canada, there would be extensive exports of the frozen water to the United States and Mexico as well.
A spokesman for the league told The Horseshoe that most of the ice now in place in rinks from Los Angeles to Montreal would be either placed on the auctioning block or sold outright as an often temporary cooling agent. This action, of course, will only be implemented after the Play-offs in June.
“If these ragged players think they’re going to blackmail the NHL they have another think coming, heh?” said Lonnie LaBatt of the league front office. “They have accused us of siding with the owners! Can you believe the gall? Just because the owners created the league, gave us our jobs and write our paychecks…heh…do they think we can be bought?”
Meanwhile a player’s association source said that most of the executives attached to the game ought to show their true colors by cutting back on the talk and providing some action. He suggests that each franchise field a team comprised of owners, PR men, dysfunctional vice presidents and security personnel. This squad would then face actual NHL players in a knock down, drag out winner-take-all hockey game.
“We’d love it,” drooled Red McKoone, a rookie defenseman for the Detroit Redwings who is credited with collecting over 30 ears during minor league matches in and around Saskatoon since 1992.
Getting back to the ice sales, one executive explained that ice is a renewable resource and that it may as well pay its own way.
“If we turn off the cooling systems during a work stoppage we will inherit a pool of water,” he gestured. “If we pay to keep the stuff frozen we lose money. But if we break it up, bag it, and sell it through convenience stores and groceries we could make a killing. Imagine buying genuine NHL ice!” he shouted. “Why would anyone want anything else!”
A Western Colorado test market has reportedly been arranged for the experimental sales of the ice. Outlets in Parlin, Placerville, Colona, Austin, Whitewater, Maybelle, Bedrock, Sargents, Cahone and Rico should be receiving the new product by Wednesday. Smaller market areas should be included in the sales zone by Thanksgiving.
– Manfred Dille
