Author Archive for M. Toole
Lone Cone Not Up To Code
(Norwood) Lone Cone and several other mountains in the Western San Juans are not up to code according to the state of Colorado. Seismic and geothermal enforcement units operating in the vicinity say the mountains must upgrade or lose their ratings for the coming summer.
For decades the mountains policed themselves on such regulatory considerations as rock shedding, electricity and general impact. Although not completely safe the system worked pretty well.
“That’s all fine,” said Gerald Ashcroft, of the Altitude Police, “but we were up at the top of Lone Cone Thursday and the place is hot. Readings taken on both sides of the mountain confirm our fears. Plus there was a lot of wire hanging out and the fuse boxes were mounted on trees. If we would have thought to bring our Richter Scales we could have landed a specific reading to send to the boys down in Washington.”
At state urging the feds will be employed to guard high risk mountains in an attempt to control the spread of terrorism.
“All it would take is a little attention to detail,” said Ashcroft, “and these big fellas could retain their status as contributing peaks. Right now it’s a disaster up there. Winter was hard enough and nobody bothered to get a building permit for the addition on Groundhog Mountain. Now we have a another population boom to deal with. Who plumbed this place anyway?”
In addition to wiring and plumbing specifications Ashcroft warned that high mountain peaks could be training grounds for terrorists intent on destroying the American way of life.
“We don’t have much culture under 12,000 feet but what we have is ours,” spouted Ashcroft.
Sources at the state level say that unless the aforementioned peaks comply they will be removed from the approved hiking list for summer.
“Then nobody would climb them,” said Ashcroft, “and then where would they be?”
– Uncle Pahgre
“Never trust a man who agrees with you. He’s probably wrong.” – traditional cowboy saying
YOUR WASHINGTON MINUTE
*The last Congressman was purchased by lobbyists (who will from this day on enjoy diplomatic impunity) this morning, leading to a recess until after campaign season is over in November.
*The Senate failed to pass a diluted measure banning dull marriage within the confines of the United States. Washington National tickets go on sale today.
*Lilliputians win three seats when Democrats and Republicans fail to return from the Congressional latrine.
*Combined Senate votes to table motion to squash a patent on a motorcar that runs exclusively on campaign literature.
*Maps of Afghanistan are passed out to sleeping elected officials in the House of Representatives. Many mistake them for cruise ship promotions.
*Legislation skirted on national health care program since politicians are already covered. Chronic unemployment statistics unveiled to a legislative group that still has somewhere to go during the day.
“There was never a good war or a bad revolution.”
– Edward Abbey
Psyched Out
with Doctor Edwin Whom, Phd.
Regional Hatred Healthy
Although it gets a lot of bad press regional hostility can be quite productive. For one thing it clearly defines a common enemy and allows for families and villages to pull together without a lot of petty bickering among the leaders, anxiety about pecking order and passive aggressive distrust of neighbors. A tranquil village is a happy village and all without therapeutic drugs.
Regional hatred also promotes the creation of many high-performance cells of ex-patriots and gifted assassins in places like Paris and New York. Without bigotry and anger many of these people might be stuck in their crummy villages without the slightest chance to see the world. It is in this way that antagonistic cultures can export thoughts and philosophies while not showing poker hands back home.
Perhaps the most important advantage to be gained from the ethnic and racial hatred is in the field of culinary art. Clannish and ethnic elitism is partly responsible for most of the regional cuisines in a place like China, for instance. How do you think the distinction between Hunan and Szechwan came about? What about Italian food or Soul Food? Why is Cajun food so expensive?
This is not to imply that ethnic hostilities always result in better groceries. Despite all the problems they have created over the years the British, somehow, were not blessed with a cuisines of their own, so they stole one from the Irish.
Another benefit of regional hatred comes in the from of a boon to the flag business. The more different warring factions in the field the more flags are sold. In 2017 alone some 137,000 flags were manufactured
Continued on Page 558
Thirsty in Kenmare?
The Horseshoe Pub in Kenmare offers genuine Irish hospitality. Photo by Maureen Haley
State to burn excess run-off
(Denver) Due to rumors of increased moisture this spring state officials will begin burning excess run-off as early as next week, according to an unreliable spokesperson here. The controlled burns would be centered on areas of excess water depth including defiant snow fields, permanent wetlands and alpine swampy regions thought to be the source of great rivers.
Man-made reservoirs will most likely be exempt from the flames since most are tied up in use litigation or remain under the jurisdiction of municipal ownership.
“What we want to avoid here is late summer flooding when all that snow decides to come rushing down the mountain,” said one Front Range ditch rider. We’ll be confiscating Rocky Mountain spring water, un-seeding clouds and condemning mountain lakes that were nowhere to be seen last summer.”
Ponds used for agriculture, illegal estuaries and backyard swimming pools will receive no quarter in this latest attempt to divert nature.
Officials in Arapahoe County expressed dismay that the run-off would have to be destroyed saying that they have a right to the water since it is not currently employed in industry or agriculture.
“If we had even half the water earmarked for burning we could build thousands of new houses connected by miles of highways going nowhere,” said one local politician.
Desert states served by Colorado River basin water will have until early June to fill toilet tanks and hot tubs before their burgeoning sources are cut off.
“We really enjoy the part where we turn off the Big Faucet and watch their lawns turn to dust,” said one Colorado Water Board spokesman.
Skeptics of the plan say there is no way the state can effectively burn water. In addition they say the water would be better dumped into the ocean than burned. Proponents of the controlled burn say the targeted water will be flammable enough after the introduction of combustible chemicals.
“We’re doing our level-headed best to keep these ignitable additives out of the ground water but, frankly, we won’t know the results until we can accumulate valid feedback from citizens,” said one water wizard. “Insofar as pouring the water into the ocean, that would be am expensive proposal and besides, there’s all that salt with which to contend.”
– Pepper Salte
Colorado will file charges against tomato purveyors
(Garden of the Gods) Colorado is finally confronting bad tomatoes that, like apples, can spoil the bushel. In an unsuspected reshuffling of produce priorities the attorney general’s office will pursue criminal charges against parties bringing tasteless fruit into the state.
A tomato that look like a tomato but tastes like cardboard is the target of the action. Besides sending a dangerous message to taste buds these pulpy nightshade phonies seriously protract and decelerate gastronomic advancements common to other cultures.
Acknowledging that these efforts is not meant as vague consumer protection or the adoption of cloudy restrictions on the import of other fruits and vegetables the prosecutors agreed that legislation alone will not improve taste. Harvesting the tomatoes while they are not ripe is the bugaboo that ranks shipping ease ahead of quality. Until this practice is remedied the problem will remain.
‘Past failures at setting the bar for what is a good tomato and what is a bad one have needlessly created a culinary emergency,” said a spokesman for the state. “Misappropriation in quality control, corporate expediency, mindless consumerism and outright fraud have all contributed to this mess,” she said.
“If people would simply refuse to buy these facsimiles and demand the real thing the market would correct itself overnight,” said a green grocer who refuses to sell fake produce. “These red herrings are nothing more than replicas, like the plastic offerings that inhabit non-perishable bowls in tacky kitchen displays and Dutch Master still-life paintings.”
Plans to subsidize organic gardens remains on the table with many lawmakers edgy that people have already accepted these impersonators as the real thing like they often do with so many other civic and clerical intrusions into their lives.
“At this point we are not looking at a blockade or of imposed sanctions against perpetrators but all options are still in play,” said a source from the attorney general’s office. “However we are monitoring public input which often turns resentful, even bitter as traditional summer salad season emerges.
– Pepper Salte
