Author Archive for M. Toole
Designated Barbecue Zones Explained
(Montrose) In an attempt to reduce charcoal emissions in the Uncompahgre Valley a strict design for designated barbecue days has been formulated for the good of us all. The system has been implemented so as to check smoke pollution and encourage general safety around the grill this summer.
This how it works:
Residents and visitors whose names begin with letters A – L will be permitted to legally barbecue on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays, while persons whose named begin with the letters M – Z will be restricted to cooking out on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Sundays are open dates when everyone can barbecue since there is diminished pollution from commercial vehicles and industry in this fragile valley that day. The sponsors of this legislation acknowledged that the program limits the culinary enjoyment of the great outdoors but feel that cleaner air will result.
“We suggest that the citizenry construct a simple chart that clearly defines legal days to cook outside,” said Evelyn White-Fumo, of the Colorado Clean Air Consortium in Boulder. “If the dates are marked in red there should be no reason for confusion. We even have little red pens to give away complete with our logo and an emergency number in case of problems.”
The plan, called innovative by proponents and stupid by detractors is being enacted despite the failure of other similar programs. The pilot zone concept has worked well in the flatlands but never really took off at higher altitudes.
“It’s a cultural thing,” continued White-Fumo, “since the season up here is shorter and people feel the need to take advantage of the wham-bam summer season.”
– Sergio Tinkleholland
El cambio de marca de Gunnison como paraíso tropical en cesto
(Ohio Park) Gunnison es muchas cosas, pero una de ellas no es tropical. Eso es lo que los líderes cívicos han descubierto aquí a pesar de los intentos de convencer al público de lo contrario. Las temperaturas de verano celestiales, los árboles autóctonos y la amenaza de la nieve han sacado a la comunidad de la carrera por un paraíso tropical.
A la mayoría de la gente de North Main Street le gusta así.
“Nunca cambiaremos nuestro clima de verano y el invierno ya no es tan frío”, dijo un residente de toda la vida en la fila del almuerzo gourmet en Firebrand Deli. “El otoño es perfecto y la guarida de primavera realmente apesta, pero estamos bien con la vida al aire libre”.
Los intentos de completar la temporada intermedia que a menudo acecha pueden haber sido loables, pero nunca funcionaron. Incluso los turistas pueden leer un termómetro.
“Esta manipulación de negocios tropicales ni siquiera funciona en julio”, dijo un ganadero al norte de la ciudad. Simplemente estresa a las vacas “.
Fuentes de la industria de viajes estuvieron de acuerdo con los resultados del cambio de marca fallido, lo que refuerza la cruda realidad de que Gunnison no tiene playa, monos ni siquiera una palma. Los mangos no crecen aquí y una persona puede quedarse atrapada en la nieve los 12 meses del año.
“Tenemos una ciudad bonita aquí y no conocemos todos estos cambios”, continuó el ranchero. “Y hay una zona de esquí a 30 millas de distancia”.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Rook to Pawn to Bishop
“There were thirst and hunger, and you were the fruit
There were grief and ruins, and you were the miracle.”
– Pablo Neruda, on the plight of refugees and soluble immigration on the US border,
Perhaps the Catholic bishops in the US should address the subject of its sexually abusive priests and wealth accumulated by fear, before attempting to crucify yet another person (depriving practicing Catholic, President Joe Biden, the rite of Communion) who disagrees with their worn and irresponsible dogma on the subject of abortion rights. These clerics belong in the Dark Ages. They are the Fallen Angels, desperately trying to hold onto their gold as they descend.
LOCAL COWS STILL ON METRIC
Trouble in Paradise?
(Ridgway) Most readers are aware that back in April local bovines adopted the metric system and, since then the herds have been documenting and measuring sizes using that international standard. Unfortunately a problem exists in that cowboys still cling to the English system.
While the situation appears tolerable to the tinhorn, out here on the ranch the conflict grows with neither side willing to make concessions.
“When the cattle are in the pasture or the barn there’s really no operational problem,” said Dutch Butterfly, foreman of the X-Bar-None Ranch at Cow Creek. “It’s when we have to move the critters that the pies hit the fan.”
Butterfly added that branding and dehorning are also more difficult since the cows measure things one way and the cowboys another.
“It’s the same size brand and the same amount of horn we’re cutting off. It’s just lost in the translation,” he spat. “There’s enough to do trying to make a living out here without communication breakdowns.”
Actually it’s easy enough to convert from English to metric and back. For example: when changing miles to kilometers one simply multiplies the number of miles by the number of kilometers that make up one mile. When weighing hay stacks converting from pounds to kilograms is just as easy.
“These cows are generally a cooperative, but distant lot,” said Butterfly. “We don’t always know what they’re thinking out there chewing the cud and all. What’s gotten into them is hard to say but it all began when they went metric on us. Whenever anyone suggests they go back to the good old American measurement they start all that bawling and kicking and it’s just not worth the hassle.”
Butterfly said the spring roundup was a real mess in Ouray County with cows going one way and cowpunchers another. Feeding time became a struggle since daily allotments were subject to repeated question. Even water measurements got mixed up and had to be sorted out one cow at a time.
After two months of study the Western State University Math Department advised that, since the cows were mere livestock, it was up to the cowboys to adapt. That didn’t go down well either.
“Primates don’t kowtow to domestic herd animals,” said Butterfly. “It just ain’t right.”
Another veteran rancher, Slim Tinkleholland of Mill Creek, near Gunnison, told The Horseshoe that if cows were taught respect when they were still calves they wouldn’t get so uppity.
“Nobody here is belly-aching over bovine/heiffer desires to better themselves. It’s just that for centuries we’ve been a team and now they want to go and change a good thing,” he said. “The fact is that they are bred for meat and dairy and until that changes it’s the wrangler that’s boss.”
Tinkleholland reflected on a day last May when he and his ranch hands were moving a herd of cattle from Mill Creek to Jack’s Cabin.
“The head just didn’t know what the tail was doing,” he winced. When a cowboy hollered in inches the cows mooed in meters. At one point we feared that the dogs and horses would mutiny and adopt that damn metric count. By the time the afternoon was over we had Herefords spread from Almont to Baldwin. What a mess.”
– Small Mouth Bess
“The Dodgers are scared to death to come over the mountain and play some real baseball teams. We’d kick their asses.” – Western Slope resident, Melvin Arenado Toolski, 119, former baseball coach and body chemistry professor at Pine Beetle Institute.
Seat Belts Could Get Expiration Dates
(Denver) The state of Colorado has decided that not only will it honor expiration dates on everything from lampshades to canned goods but will push for legislation placing time limits on safe seat belt use.
Seat Belts have survived for ten or twenty years without official examination for side effects or tainted conditions. Trusting motorists often cruise along unaware of the dangers.
“The gov’ment is still your little buddy,” said one highway patrol officer who won a trip to Disneyland for giving out 100,000 citations for seat belt infractions in August alone. One Grand Junction man received over 1700 warnings before he got smart.
“What we have here is a serious matter of lawless consumption peppered with a dwindling respect for the law. Automotive restraining devices must be checked daily for wear. Everyone must cooperate and look the same on the road,” added the veteran officer who once gave his mom a ticket for slouching behind the wheel.
Consumer advocates, slow to respond to the seat belt crisis, say that air bags are their current focus. Champions of social homogeneity say most drivers don’t realize that the bags must be checked for pressure just like tires.
“A flat air bag is of no use to anyone,” said one source behind the cosmic meat counter. “The days of cheerful Gomer Pyle service are over. Today’s motorist must familiarize himself with tread capacity enhancers and basic tire gauges. Theses can be conveniently stored under the seat adjacent to handguns.
In a related development, the U.S. Mouse of Representatives voted to suspend expiration dates on bottled water for the remainder of the session but to stamp a temporary restriction on the consumption of aged scotch whiskey and old British gins.
“If there’s dust on the bottle throw it out,” said one millionaire legislator from South Dakota. “Sure it’s a senseless overture but it’s a matter of placate or perish. How else do you think we can get the corn bill passed this year? We expect all this to die in the Senate anyway due to allegiances to the crown. The last thing the gentry there wants to do is upset Buckingham Palace right before the World Series.”
Meanwhile seat belt violations mount up with the criminal element recalcitrant to their own protection. In Montrose for instance, a 98-year-old, one-armed grandmother was cited for failure to display a seat belt on her wicker chair while operating a propane fly swatter at 2998 Yapping Dog Lane. Later the same day three illegal aliens were ticketed for improprieties regarding minimal restraining apparatus on an unregistered concubine near LaSalle Road. The list goes on. Bears in Ouray seem oblivious to the law. Residents of Telluride have been issued permits allowing leash laws to compensate for lack of adherence during parking maneuvers.
And finally, in what could become the precedent for future enforcement, the Colorado Department of Health has sealed off the men’s room at Grady’s Gravy Heaven in Feedlot Mobile Home Park. Sources there say patrons have been in violation of safety codes there since the Spanish-American War.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“Maybe it’s time to move beyond the Democrats and the Republicans.”
– Sad Sack, 1943.
SOLAR POWER – THE BIG LIE
(Ridgway) Of all the pinko-techno logic that has risen from the ashes, lauding the benefits of solar energy is the most ridiculous. The very idea that redirecting the power and heat of the sun for the benefit of modern man is not only silly but also it is also dangerous.
It is the apex of hype and deceit.
Harnessing the sun, or trapping solar energy (accepted at 1000 watts per square meter) is a mindless and misinformed pursuit carried out by 21st Century solar charlatans who have only one goal: separating the consumer from his hard-earned cash. Do people really fall for these pipe dreams, providing simple answers to ancient challenges such as keeping warm and generating power? Can’t architects and contractors see through the smoke and mirrors? The growing roster of victims runs all the way around the block. These are the poor unfortunates that been burned by false doctrines as to the contributions of the Sun.
Laced with all kinds of new age trip words, the solar energy equation states that stored heat of the sun can and will replace petroleum and coal if given the chance. How absurd. Those who embrace these juvenile wish lists are surely headed for a disaster of catastrophic dimensions. If solar-powered cars are so special why are all the gas stations doing such a booming business? Why do city folk continue turn up the thermostat? Why are chain saws so popular with country folk?
The misconceptions run rampant while solar engineers attempt to herd energy-starved optimists willing to embrace fictitious clean-air solutions. They don’t even begin to address the problem of solar waste preferring to turn their heads as byproducts are dumped indiscriminately, with no thought to the health of future generations.
Right now, ugly solar collectors cover the landscape like washing machines on the porches of progress. What are they collecting? I can clearly see a pile of coal but I can’t see stored energy. Moreover, what of the innocent little birds that fly into this evil apparatus and never again fly out again?
These emerging sci-fi shrines to sun worship are already dinosaurs compared to proven methods such as mining and offshore drilling. Take for instance the construction of solar towers all over the Southwest. These intrusive monuments to the big lie are killing our wildlife (there are bones and feathers everywhere) and allowing alien beings to monitor our every move from deep in outer space.
Up until now, no one actually owns the sun, but just wait. Plans are already in the works to charge the consumer for sunlight. Here in Colorado that tab could get really expensive since we now enjoy over 320 days of sun per year. Despite the invoice, what shall we do during the night when the sun is on the other side of the world? In order to resist these efforts to control and profit from the sun we must be aware of what is really happening under our collective noses.
The lies began centuries ago with temples to a variety of sun gods and goddesses. The Egyptians built alters to the sun while the Incas sacrificed victims to the sun gods who determined health, family and harvest. The Mochica, Nazca and Chimo were often more brutal, often blindfolding their prey then hurling them down steep stairways in the dark.
“It’s nothing but pagan prattle,” said Rory Phelps, coordinating director of primitive studies at the University of Downtown Delta. “Do you think it’s OK to throw a virgin into a smoking volcano to appease a sun god? People who buy into the solar lie are apt to accept almost anything but maybe the prospects are not as hot as they think.
Some decades later, the Prussians used solar-operated weaponry to subdue the Russians in World War I, highlighting the heinous side of applied science when it falls into the wrong hands. (As most readers will note: solar weaponry fell from favor with the introduction of atomic arsenals and nuclear delivery systems that make more noise).
An obviously airbrushed photo allegedly showing solar energy at work. I don’t see anything. Do you?
Academies across the country have joined a burgeoning group asking: “What happens if the sun burns out in, say, a million years…why the short-term investment?”
How much abuse before reserves dry up and the kingpin of our solar system goes dark causing temperatures to plummet and plants to die? What will these solar wizards offer then? What about all that coal that we left in the ground in our rush to welcome solar power? What about the stockpiles of oil hidden deep within the earth’s crust? Will we, as a society, leave it to rot?
The hocus pocus goes on. One former believer in Ridgway has changed his tune:
“I read the brochures and I thought solar energy was going to provide jobs,” he lamented. “I got up every morning and applied sun screen with a giant roller and nothing happened. It became increasingly tedious and the neighbors were talking. After a few frustrating weeks I tore down the collectors and took them to a recycling plant. Now I’m back to propane and loving it.”
Another surprised consumer, Melissa Johnson, of Log Hill said, “The solar sauna is hit or miss and won’t work on the north side of the house or at night when we want to soak off the grid.”
Other solar pretenders report that the technology doesn’t work on doublewides.
“Only the rich can harness solar,” said one man. “Renewable energy is not for the common working stiff.”
Creators of the Solar Consumption League, a power watchdog group opposed to the application of solar energy, reminds us that Ronald Reagan was the first to sound the alarm on solar.
“President Reagan further exposed the hoax taking down all of the solar panels of the White House in 1981. If solar technology was so good, would a president of the United States be stupid enough to discard it? C’mon.”
“Don’t be duped by all the propaganda,” said Josh Kent. “I’ve been a builder for 35 years and…I…I forgot what else I was going to say.”
And so goes the saga. The next thing you know they’ll expect us to believe that useable power can actually be generated by windmills or that we can create electricity with falling water.
Solar Chatter heard locally:
“It doesn’t work. It sucks.”
-Margot DeHavilande, local alternative energy critic
“I love the smell of a coal-fired nuclear
liquification plant in the morning.”
– Col. Worthington Bulbous, former chief of solar intelligence, KGB, LSMFT
