Author Archive for M. Toole
Dog Day Canceled at Hot Springs Pool
(Ouray) The first annual canine swim, slated for September 29 at the Ouray Hot Springs Pool has been canceled due to low response. Reasons for the deletion also included perceived loss of revenue, the threat of violence, parking, locker room security and health considerations.
Thankful canines hit the water back in 2019
According to Ouray Recreation Department officials Dog Day was the brainchild of several local mutts who felt they were being denied access to the pool simply because they walk around on all fours.
“We wanted to show everyone that we were not the product of prejudice,” said one lifeguard. “We were sincere. It was the dogs who dropped the ball.”
The money lost by closing the pool to humans for the day was estimated to be substantial while the presence of a pack of naked male dogs in the pool threatened the peace. Then, according to unreliable sources in the deep end, the state health department got wind of the experiment and started sniffing around.
“Those people are like pit bulls,” barked one tail wagger. “We’re quite disappointed in the response among the dog population but most of them thought the whole thing was a joke since they’ve never been allowed to use the facility before.”
Whether or not this episode will affect Cat Day, planned for October 15, was not clear at press time.
– Dag Katz
NEW TRAIL SHOE INCLUDES SCOOPER
(Crested Butte) The newly released Wikee Air Crested Butte trail running shoe is outfitted with an Al Gore liner, an aerosol cushioning system and advanced traction. It also has an innovative, built-in pooper scooper for use by the responsible mountain runner.
Developers of the shoe felt that since they were marketing it in alpine areas the design and use should reflect year-round mountain living.
“If there’s anything year-round about this place it’s dog tailings, as canine road and meadow muffins are often called locally, said one marketing agent from the big city. “We just hope all this publicity doesn’t bring more dogs to Crested Butte.”
The pooper scoop is reportedly built directly into the bottom of the shoe. It attracts the less than desirable substance then stores it for up to 24-hours before aroma comes into play. The subtle and environmentally sound addition is not visible nor will it influence the runner’s performance. In addition, it will not adversely affect the health of other animals, including deer and elk.
“Sure, we’ve seen lots of shoes that will effectively pick up poop but they’re not the answer since the stuff falls off at will, often at inappropriate intervals,” said a local source. “This product does it all and terminates the need for high altitude athletes to keep their eyes on the ground.”
A spokesman for Nike had no comment when asked to elaborate on reputed plans to create a soft-soled, vacuum loafer for 2023.
“The trail shoes are a start but the chronic problem is irresponsible pet owners,” said one councilman. “Many of our newer residents think they are living out in the country and the inclusion of a dog in their portfolio is simply a logical step. What they don’t seem to realize is that Crested Butte is urban. There is no room.”
– Melvin Toole
The inherent beauty of satire is that the target often does not have the skill set to be offended.
– Uncle Pahgre, Poor Farm.
Picnic News
Humans engaged in the tradition of outdoor picnicking this summer are warned to be on the lookout for illegal Ecuadoran monkeys making off with their goods. Unattended baskets, drinks, even cutlery are often the target of hungry, roving primates looking for easy prey.
And if the monkeys aren’t enough, the ant population has been busy massing for a final assault on outdoor eaters. The little insects are persistent and unafraid often making the feast a tedious experience with their constant crawling and snatching of edibles, especially sweets. The best way to avoid these creatures is to keep everything sufficiently covered and out of their path until dinner time.
Maybe a visiting relative can be put in charge of security. They can stand watch and perform other simple tasks as well even if they are from the flatlands. In addition, researchers have found that relatives are easier digested out of doors than in the confines of the family home.
Have a great time out there with potato salad and watermelon but always remember that the outdoors can present dangers unknown in the kitchen. Just ask the Cahone man who severed two fingers trying to open a plastic mustard jar up at Never Sink.
-Lourdes Parvenu
“One should never fall in love but rise to the occasion.” – Nancy Griffith
Day 17 – Local Man Still on Hillcrest Roundabout
Marvin Alamo left his home on 4988229933551177 Road at 4:15 pm on July 9 to get a bottle of wine. Along with him in the pickup was his dog who is also known as Marvin.
When he approached the roundabout at Hillcrest and Miami it seemed clogged and cumbersome and he entered despite his better judgement and acute survival instincts learned during his 50 plus years working for the gov’ment.
That was 17 days ago and both of the Marvins are still going round and round unable to exit the roundabout, even at night when traffic dies down.
“I could have taken Townsend Avenue but the traffic is backed up to Otter Road,” he said during an interview with KBLA, an oldies station that dabbles in local news. “With all the unbridled growth here, somebody needs to figure out the flow. Highway 550, out of the city’s jurisdiction is a potential disaster.”
On day 11 Marvin’s wife, Evelyn, managed to get close enough to hand him a two ham sandwiches (one for the dog) and a thermos of coffee.
Marvin blames the incident on his momentarily hesitation to negotiate San Juan Avenue earlier in the day.
“I lost momentum and was swallowed up,” he quipped. “I just kept yielding and yielding.”
He almost made it out on Wednesday but a Dodge Ram with a weasel at the wheel cut him off. Later he barely escaped a collision with an onion truck that had just entered the fray.
Meanwhile round and round he goes on the merry-go-round of asphalt screaming “Cree el grade!” at the top of his lungs to the bewilderment of passersby.
“After 56 years together, I didn’t even know Marvin spoke Spanish,” said Evelyn
Local authorities, concerned that the incident could hurt tourism plan to rescue Marvin tomorrow from above the round-about employing three helicopters and a runaway truck ramp on loan from C-DOT.
-Jack Spratt
“Never interfere with an enemy in the process of destroying himself.”
– Napoleon Bonaparte, former French Emperor before his team was destroyed in Russia.
Local parrot to call bingo finals
(Hooverville) With a voice as crisp as falling eucalyptus leaves, a red-sided eclectus parrot named Moses will once again call the 187th Annual Western Executive Bingo Finals here August 6 through 19.
Although he often plays several side cards and wins an excessive amount of the time, Moses remains a local favorite with board enthusiasts. Pruning his feathers, Moses calls the combinations and allows ample time for even the most challenged player to scan his card and respond appropriately.
The parrot speaks very clearly and annunciates with the best of them. Episodes of misunderstanding and defaults are almost non-existent when he holds the reins in the bingo cage. He also speaks Spanish, French, Quechua and Huelgoat (Britany) Gaelic, just in case.
When someone shouts Bingo! Moses gets all worked up, often flying around the room and dive-bombing unsuspecting players while screeching at the top of his once-tropical lungs.
At Club Marmot, his familiar weeknight haunt, the Jingo Bingo Jackpot sits at 6 million dollars as of last night. Moses is expected to be on hand to call the last five letters and numbers and award the prize. Technically domesticated, the bird still bites when exited and most be restrained and guided as to proper bathroom etiquette and wall chewing.
“This parrot, like most of his species, suffers from spurious gas attacks,” said handler Keno Karuba. “I have to surgically cork him before public events, otherwise the little fella can really stink up a hall. I remember a night in Moline when he called bingo after a Unitarian sock hop. He almost knocked himself off his little perch. I’d swear his voice was an octave higher after that one.”
From Hillsboro, Grenada, Moses honed his oratory/auditory verbal skills in Imagonagetcha Parish, Louisiana, the home of world-famous bingo callers that ply their trade all over the globe. Hearing that there was an acute shortage of bonafide bingo callers in the Rockies he moved to Colorado in 1995 with the Karuba family.
“His coonass dialect has always been a hit with the newly arriving Californians in so many bingo halls and shanties in these parts, quacked Karuba.
Also known as psittacines, parrots come in roughly 398 species, although many are endangered. A 40-year life span is normal, while the owlish Kakapo can live up till 80.
At first, imitating human words and sounds is cute and clever according to a slew of parrot and bird lovers, but the relentless parrot chatter gets old fast. Moses will continue to call bingo long after everyone has relinquished his cards. He is said to go all night long and into the dawn unless one puts the cover over his cage.
Moses and the refined Bingo call
“B-49 seems to be his most favorite combination. He says it all the time,” Karuba confessed, “followed by G-16.”
Molly Etchabarron who has won over 3 million dollars playing bingo locally since 1952 and has spent little of the loot. She prefers to personally escort her winnings through the front door of Lords of Boards Rest Home, a secure station for captured rooks, squandered monopoly fortunes, cribbage castaways and broken backgammon barons. BGR Home has recently expanded, offering counseling and shock treatments for recovering crossword puzzle addicts and late-night weegie board trollers.
“Imagine the kind of moron that would encourage a parrot to call bingo games,” said Etchabarron, “when pets such as goldfish and ferrets contribute to one’s inner peace. I bring my Oranda goldfish, Earl, to Tuesday night bingo/casserole night and he hasn’t a clue as to what is transpiring inches away from his portable tank.”
-Puffington Budgie
