Author Archive for M. Toole

What Underlies the G.O.P. Commitment to Ignorance?

By Paul Krugman

New York Times Opinion Columnist

As everyone knows, leftists hate America’s military. Recently, a prominent left-wing media figure attacked Gen. Mark Milley, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, declaring, “He’s not just a pig, he’s stupid.”

Oh, wait. That was no leftist, that was Fox News’s Tucker Carlson. What set Carlson off was testimony in which Milley told a congressional hearing that he considered it important “for those of us in uniform to be open-minded and widely read.”

The problem is obvious. Closed-mindedness and ignorance have become core conservative values, and those who reject these values are the enemy, no matter what they may have done to serve the country.

The Milley hearing was part of the orchestrated furor over “critical race theory,” which has dominated right-wing media for the past few months, getting close to 2,000 mentions on Fox so far this year. One often sees assertions that those attacking critical race theory have no idea what it’s about, but I disagree; they understand that it has something to do with assertions that America has a history of racism and of policies that explicitly or implicitly widened racial disparities.

And such assertions are unmistakably true. The Tulsa race massacre really happened, and it was only one of many such incidents. The 1938 underwriting manual for the Federal Housing Administration really did declare that “incompatible racial groups should not be permitted to live in the same communities.”

We can argue about the relevance of this history to current policy, but who would argue against acknowledging simple facts?

The modern right, that’s who. The current obsession with critical race theory is a cynical attempt to change the subject away from the Biden administration’s highly popular policy initiatives, while pandering to the white rage that Republicans deny exists. But it’s only one of multiple subjects on which willful ignorance has become a litmus test for anyone hoping to succeed in Republican politics.

Thus, to be a Republican in good standing one must deny the reality of man-made climate change, or at least oppose any meaningful action to limit greenhouse gas emissions. One must reject or at least express skepticism about the theory of evolution. And don’t even get me started on things like the efficacy of tax cuts.

What underlies this cross-disciplinary commitment to ignorance? On each subject, refusing to acknowledge reality serves special interests. Climate denial caters to the fossil fuel industry; evolution denial caters to religious fundamentalists; tax-cut mysticism caters to billionaire donors.

But there’s also, I’d argue, a spillover effect: Accepting evidence and logic is a sort of universal value, and you can’t take it away in one area of inquiry without degrading it across the board. That is, you can’t declare that honesty about America’s racial history is unacceptable and expect to maintain intellectual standards everywhere else. In the modern right-wing universe of ideas, everything is political; there are no safe subjects.

This politicization of everything inevitably creates huge tension between conservatives and institutions that try to respect reality.

There have been many studies documenting the strong Democratic lean of college professors, which is often treated as prima facie evidence of political bias in hiring. A new law in Florida requires that each state university conduct an annual survey “which considers the extent to which competing ideas and perspectives are presented,” which doesn’t specifically mandate the hiring of more Republicans but clearly gestures in that direction.

An obvious counterargument to claims of biased hiring is self-selection: How many conservatives choose to pursue careers in, say, sociology? Is hiring bias the reason police officers seem to have disproportionately supported Donald Trump in the 2016 election, or is this simply a reflection of the kind of people who choose careers in law enforcement?

But beyond that, the modern G.O.P. is no home for people who believe in objectivity. One striking feature of surveys of academic partisanship is the overwhelming Democratic lean in hard sciences like biology and chemistry; but is that really hard to understand when Republicans reject science on so many fronts?

One recent study marvels that even finance departments are mainly Democratic. Indeed, you might expect finance professors, some of whom do lucrative consulting for Wall Street, to be pretty conservative. But even they are repelled by a party committed to zombie economics.

Which brings me back to General Milley. The U.S. military has traditionally leaned Republican, but the modern officer corps is highly educated, open-minded and, dare I say it, even a bit intellectual — because those are attributes that help win wars.

Unfortunately, they are also attributes the modern G.O.P. finds intolerable.

So something like the attack on Milley was inevitable. Right-wingers have gone all in on ignorance, so they were bound to come into conflict with every institution — including the U.S. military — that is trying to cultivate knowledge.

Explicación de las zonas de barbacoa designadas

(Montrose) En un intento por reducir las emisiones de carbón vegetal en el Valle Uncompahgre, se ha formulado un diseño estricto para los días de barbacoa designados para el bien de todos. El sistema se implementó para controlar la contaminación por humo y fomentar la seguridad general alrededor de la parrilla este verano.

Así funciona:

Los residentes y visitantes cuyos nombres comiencen con las letras A – L podrán hacer barbacoas legalmente los lunes, miércoles y sábados, mientras que las personas cuyos nombres comiencen con las letras M – Z estarán restringidas a cocinar los martes, jueves y viernes. Los domingos son fechas abiertas en las que todos pueden hacer barbacoas, ya que ese día hay una menor contaminación de los vehículos comerciales y la industria en este frágil valle. Los patrocinadores de esta legislación reconocieron que el programa limita el disfrute culinario del aire libre, pero sienten que se producirá un aire más limpio.

“Sugerimos que la ciudadanía elabore un cuadro simple que defina claramente los días legales para cocinar al aire libre”, dijo Evelyn White-Fumo, del Consorcio de Aire Limpio de Colorado en Boulder. “Si las fechas están marcadas en rojo, no debería haber motivo de confusión. Incluso tenemos bolígrafos rojos para regalar con nuestro logo y un número de emergencia en caso de problemas ”.

El plan, llamado innovador por los proponentes y estúpido por los detractores, está siendo promulgado a pesar del fracaso de otros programas similares. El concepto de zona piloto ha funcionado bien en las llanuras, pero nunca despegó realmente en altitudes más altas.

“Es una cuestión cultural”, continuó White-Fumo, “ya que la temporada aquí es más corta y la gente siente la necesidad de aprovechar la corta temporada de verano”.

– Sergio Tinkleholland

Turnip Cart Mishaps Down Significantly

Turnip cart accidents in Southwestern Colorado are way down in 2021 although related agricultural incidents continue to plague safety inspectors in most red states. The Left Coast and the Canadian badlands have all but eradicated the calamities due to heavy rains and erosion that have made root vegetable cart use impractical, even socially undesirable.

This news arrives on the heels of a startling announcement that Sicilian scientists have successfully extracted blood out of turnips and even some cooperative rutabagas. 

“This is welcome news to many of the members of the mustard family,” according to one scientist who has engaged in what many call “mindless research” for almost 50 years. Exhibiting muted frustration over what he referred to as knuckle draggers blocking progress, he sweetened his criticism, saying only that “Presently academia is not prepared to delve into parsnips or kohlrabi but that day is coming.”  

“This is a marvelous breakthrough that could save millions of turnips from the killing floor.” he said. “It makes me giddy even to think about the breakthrough.”

The earth-shaking development comes just as the US appeared poised to embrace the Onion Standard in 2023. Shallots and red onions are safe investments for now but garlic and leeks are not inherently valuable according to the often-reliable North American Garden and Loan Coalition. 

Venture capitalists and financiers are refined that after 2024 it will be illegal to cultivate onions without the approval of the US Treasury.

– Barb Wyre

“May you live as long as you want to, and then pass smilingly into the darkness.” 

– Ambrose Bierce

Driving privileges on Hwy 550 regulated by first ever state lottery

The Colorado Surname Alphabetic Highway Lottery has been implemented any day now due to motoring chaos on the antiquated byway of Highway 550, that runs from Montrose south to Bernalillo, New Mexico. 

Persons wishing to use the road must do so only on the day stipulated by the first letter of their surname. At present names that start with A-F will be permitted on the highway while G-K will have to wait until Tuesday. Names beginning with letter L-P are looking at Wednesday travel and names that start with Q-S can drive on Thursday. Friday will see a smaller contingent of drivers whose names begin with T-Z.

Weekend jaunts will be determined by letters too but registered by the time of the day. For example, if one’s name begin with A-F he will have to travel between 7am and 9am while a special raffle will limit the T-Z grouping to 6 pm – 8 pm. Two-way drives and return trips will follow these guidelines as well. Hyphenated names and persons using aliases should ask their insurance provider before venturing out on their own.

CDOT computers on Confront Range, often determine traffic flow and illogical passing zones with no discernible geographic familiarity. Most, like so many from east of the Divide, never make it past Salida. Tourists, leagues of working persons and a burgeoning population of new denizens rely on the skinny road to get from place to place. Local residents in pursuit of services, not always available to them in their smaller burghs, join the parade, bringing about further consequences minus solutions.

“Even though it appears to be an intrusion of personal rights, state highway experts insist that in time it will create a much more pleasant experience for all motorists and fewer accidents and fatalities,” said Grendle Grasse, of CDOT and sponsors within the Western Slope salvage industry.

“It has come to this,” she added promising that the “sweepstakes” will run through Labor Day.

Of particular concern are speed traps at Dexter Creek and the Poor Farm, and the four-lane stretch along Colona’s skyline. Curves east of Eldridge and along the Uncompahgre northwest of Spud Hill.

“Many of our summer visitors are city dwellers used to four-lane roads,” added the above source. “They have trouble with our hick highways often becoming frustrated and making bad decisions. People are generally ass holes when they get behind the wheel so we must tailor our route to accommodate anti-social behavior and recreational vehicles too.”

A winter break in the action on Red Mountain Pass

“Used to be just Red Mountain, Molas and Coal Bank that presented classic fears but now it’s the whole shooting’ match,” barked one commuter who drives from Whitewater to Telluride five days a week for work.

Expanded law enforcement squads will be issuing summonses to anyone illegally driving on days other than his designated day. This includes bicycles and RVs but not horses or gelded and self-contained ORVs.

Persons who do not know their last names or have yet to master the alphabet can verify their status at one of the many checkpoints riveting the mountains and mesas of Region Zen. Bring your checkbook.

Sadly, many of the same persons who refuse to be vaccinated against Covid say they will not adhere to the restrictions in that it intrudes into their personal freedom.

Meanwhile rants emanating from the State House could be heard all the way to Silverton.

“Hey, it’s our damn highway and we’ll do what we want on or near it. If we can condemn land, reroute traffic, blow up canyons, lay meth chloride and patch spring chuckholes with black toothpaste then we can surely reserve the right to refuse service to anyone who is acting inappropriately —driving when it isn’t his day to drive.” said a canned statement in reference to priority criticism regarding the construction in Blue Creek Canyon in Gunnison County.

-Tommy Middlefinger

Gunnison’s rebranding as tropical paradise in hamper

(Ohio Park) Gunnison is a lot of things but one of them is not tropical. That’s what civic leaders here have discovered despite attempts to convince the public otherwise. Heavenly summer temperatures, indigenous trees and the threat of snow has taken the community out of the running for a tropical paradise.

Most people on North Main Street like it that way.

“We’ll never trade our summer weather and the winter really isn’t that cold anymore,” said a lifelong resident standing in the gourmet lunch line at Firebrand Deli. “Fall is perfect and spring den really sucks but we’re all right with the outdoor life.”

Gunnison’s Jorgensen Park in tropical attire. Who’s kidding who?

Attempts of fill in the often-lurking shoulder season may have been commendable but would never fly. Even the tourists can read a thermometer.

“This tropical business jockeying doesn’t even work in July,” said one rancher north of town. It just stresses out the cows.”

Sources in the travel industry agreed with the results of failed rebranding, reinforcing the stark reality that Gunnison does not have a beach, monkeys or even one palm. Mangos do not grow here and a person can get stuck in the snow all 12 months of the year.

“We have a nice town here and don’t savvy all these changes,” continued the rancher. “And there’s a ski area 30 miles away.”

– Estelle Marmotbreath

“Not only do these people not look at the big picture, they don’t even know there is a big picture.”              – Melvin B Toole, on the subject of “those people”.

Solar Energy Spill Cripples Pacific Coast

(Waldport, OR) Still sketchy reports describe a massacre of petroleum proportions when a hoard of generally docile windmills, ambivalent as to the black and white of their very existence, revolted against overseers and finally the entire coastal garrison, blowing several pipers and a drummer boy into faraway Utah.

Police have cordoned off parts of the Alsea River and beaches from Yachats to Wakonda in apprehension of followup tremors and possible jerkquakes and sandslides. Tourists are urged to wear lots of sunscreen, and stay in the town’s many bars until the system passes into the interior. Crabs are encouraged to come out of their shells only after dark. Consuming massive quantities of bluegill and crappie has been lauded as the most responsible response at this time.

The spill will take the snap of a finger and no money to clean up.

Area affected by solar spill

“We’ve warned the American people of these kinds of disasters if we fall away from our dependence on fossil fuels, meat and broken promises,” said one former congressman now a lobbyist for two oil conglomerates (or is it three?).

Speaking under the duplicitous veil of anonymity, the source added that he had “three or four Congressmen and one Senator in his back pocket and was expecting a little more action since the bank has “now reopened”. 

“If this keeps up I’m gonna have to get more pockets,” he laughed.

 – Pepper Salte

“We hauled these marmots in here!”

– Melvin Bedwetter Toole, 1977