Author Archive for M. Toole
Trout Shortages Linger
(Montrose) Despite the rain and the efforts of the federals, a chronic shortage of trout continues to plague Western Colorado. While dwindling numbers continue to chafe the fannies of DOW personnel, local anglers appear content with the sybaritic properties inherent to the ancient relationship between man and fish.
“What’s all that about?” asked Al Pescadante, a spokesman for our raging bucolic paradise. “These are hard times for trout. For generations we’ve watched as the older fish retire at a rapid pace and the younger ones, victims of the fiscal current, head off to make their fortune in the city. The thinning ranks of production are aggravated by demands on social services while idle fish hang out under rocks. Sure, some of the younger fish return but by then all the good bait has been eaten.
Although purely hypothetical, many attest the theory of destructive humus fungi in the streams. Others feel the fish themselves should bear the brunt of reconciliation with their environs.
“We’re sick of these trout standing around with their hands out,” said Wanda Wanna, a blind fillet advocate who once tied more than 1300 flies in less than a week. “You don’t see kokanee on welfare, do you? For decades I’ve listened to trout whine about their predicament. Why don’t they pull themselves up by the boot straps like other fish?”
Some relief is expected following an extensive contract signed by Mountain Valley Fish and Oyster and the San Juan Horseshoe last month. In short the agreement calls for more career opportunities of fish in return for in-cooler/on-shore packaging considerations.
“Our goal is to get these fish back on track. Trout were much happier back in the Seventies,” said one fish market architect, “or at least they seemed to be.”
– Small Mouth Bess
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ANSWERS TO PARADOX VALLEY SEPTEMBER KNOWLEDGE BOWL
1. Knives do tend to get dull faster over 8,000 feet. To decelerate this erosion simply wrap in old sweat sox soaked in vinegar…
2. Yes, it appears to be really stupid for baseball players to congregate inside a dugout during a pandemic.
3. Yes it was much like when the virus shut down our favorite machete bar in Andes and all the troublemakers moved to Bolambolo .(SP)
4. No. One cannot customize his Congressional Cardboard Cut-Out with body cameras/taping devices and prompts right there in the gallery.
5. gaudy plumage fades with age
6. Schadenfreude in High German episodes
7. People not bright enough to digest the nightly news or read their Bibles on their own = problems in the world = they need a news analyst or a preacher to wipe their their feigning intellect. These people should not be voting until they understand the issues.
8. My own teakwood fandango and a view of the sea
9. A foxhole is an asshole that digests FOX News
10. according to unreliable sources across the street at the bar
11. As far as we know a soul may not bring guns into heaven.
12. Books are bad. We have television now.
13. God loves the United States more than other countries because Jesus went to Harvard with Ted Cruz.
Letters to the Pea Green Answer Man
Dear Pea Green the Answer Man
Do cows sweat?
Prairie, Gunnison
Dear Prairie
Cows do sweat. Perspiration in cattle, however, is not so noticeable as in horses and some other animals. In the case of the horse the sweat glands are distributed widely over the skin and the animal sweats freely all over the body. But in the ox sweat glands are less abundant and are most completely developed on the muzzle. Consequently a cow will sweat freely on the end of her nose, while what perspiration appears on her body is usually slight and almost imperceptible.
Dear Pea Green the Answer Man
Where are the eyes of the horsefly located?
Chris, Montrose
Dear Chris
The large compound eyes of the horsefly are located conspicuously on the head. Many people believe that the eyes of this insect consist of small yellowish specks or scales on tiny stems under the wings. This, it is said, is proved by the fact that when these club-like appendages are removed the horsefly loses its equilibrium and flies abnormally. As a matter of fact, these specks or scales represent aborted underwings. Entomologists call them calypters or squamce. Naturally, the removal of the calyptras affects the flight of the fly because they are intimately related to the wings proper. Similar phenomena occur in other insects.
Dear Pea Green the Answer Man
What is the harvest moon?
Meadow, Paonia
Dear Meadow,
Harvest moon is the popular name given in northern temperate latitudes to the full moon that occurs about harvest time. Astronomers usually regard the full moon nearest in date to the autumnal equinox as the harvest moon. This is, roughly speaking, between the 15th and 20th of September. Country people however are more likely to regard the next full moon as the harvest moon; namely, the full moon which occurs about the middle of October. At this season the path of the moon, especially in high latitudes, passes quite closely above and below the horizon at the time of the full moon, causing it to rise merely at sunset for several nights in succession. Thus the harvest moon prolongs the natural twilight and permits tardy farmers, so it is said, to complete their belated harvesting before the coming of frost and winter. In south temperate latitudes this phenomenon occurs in late March or early April. The moon which follows the harvest moon and which has similar characteristics is called the hunter’s moon.
Dear Pea Green the Answer Man
Why is a horse called a dobbin?
Jack, Ouray
Dear Jack
Dobbin is a general or familiar name for any horse, especially an ordinary draft or farm horse. The name Dobbin was so widely used in England as a pet name for horses that it became a general nickname for the entire equine species. It was a familiar name for a horse already in the time of Shakespeare. In the Merchant of Venice, which was first printed in 1596, Old Gobo says to Lancelot: “Thou hast got more hair on thy chin, the Dobbin my philhorse has on his taile.” Dobbin is a diminutive of the proper name Dob, which is a variation of Robin and Rob, which in turn are variations for the proper name Robert.
Dear Pea Green the Answer Man
What is meant by a pig in a poke?
Frank, Crested Butte Colorado
Poke is an old word meaning a bag, pouch or sack. Our word pocket is a diminutive of poke. A pig in a poke is a blind bargain, something purchased without examination, or any goods bought and paid for without knowing their quality or value. The expression is said to have reference to an old trick pulled off on English market days. Pigs were often taken to market in pokes or sacks. Frequently shrewd countrymen would try to palm off on a greenhorn or cat for a sucking pig. If the buyer opened the poke he let the cat out of the bag and the trick was disclosed. Whether or not anybody was ever fool enough to buy a pig in a bag without looking at it, it is probable that the expression pig in a pike refers to the old custom of taking pigs to market in a sack.
California Spanky Law Plays to Mixed Reviews
Proposals now on the docket calling for fines and jail time for parents who spank their kids in California appears likely to pass in the next session. In an attempt to clarify the situation, we contacted Spanky, the sponsor of the bill and Alfalfa, a strong opponent to the potential legislation.
Horseshoe: Good morning Mr. Spanky. Can you tell us why you have sponsored such a controversial bill? It seems that with the country at war, in environmental chaos, in economic turmoil, in dire need of analysis and unable to effectively police its own borders we continue to focus on gay marriage, legalizing marijuana and now a spanking law. Why is that?
Spanky: Because we can’t do anything about the real problems facing the nation but there are plenty of Americans out there that we can control just by-passing new laws.
Horseshoe: So, it’s a control thing..
Spanky: Isn’t everything?
Horseshoe: What about all the illegal immigrants in California? Can they legally spank their children?
Spanky: Who cares? Most don’t have a visible income. How can the indigent be expected to pay for therapy, meetings, fines and court costs?
Horseshoe: So, the focus is more on people with an income, property, something to lose.
Spanky: Right. They are the ones that are the easiest to control. They have made an investment and must protect it.
(Enter Alfalfa)
Horseshoe: Hello Mr. Alfalfa and thanks for coming to talk to us this morning.
Alfalfa: Wouldn’t miss it.
Horseshoe: Spanky here thinks his proposed legislation will pass in the California House. What do you think?
Alfalfa: First of all I am an Alfalfa Male and Alfalfa Males do not need to abuse those weaker than themselves. I don’t spank my kids and I never have.
Horseshoe: Then you support the bill?
Alfalfa: Aww contrary. I firmly oppose it just like I opposed keeping girls like Carla out of the men’s club!
Horseshoe: Can you elaborate?
Alfalfa: If this no spanking law goes through, we may as well start building more wings on San Quentin and reopen Alcatraz. We’ll need the room with all the newly emerging criminals who never had parameters at home. Is the state willing to pay for that? These kinds of laws, like DUI laws and seat belt laws, are not created due to any remote concern over public safety. They are all about revenue. Let’s restrict the people who already pay taxes so that social workers and psychologists can milk a little more money out of them. It will not rid society of abuse. Just because some ass hole like Spanky thinks he can better the situation by writing it into our legal system does not mean the problem is fixed. The entire machine is a dismal failure and the sooner we scrap it, eat the rich and redistribute the wealth we will never see the light of day.
Spanky: Communist!
Alfalfa: No just an Alfalfa Male trying to make sense of it all.
Horseshoe: Let’s get back to the discussion on the table. What if the parents simply drove their children over to Nevada or up to Oregon and spanked them there?
Spanky: That might work.
Alfalfa: I have no problem with that.
Horseshoe: Well, now we have some common ground. What about step-children? Are they to be protected from spankings…
(Continued page 45)
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