Author Archive for M. Toole

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“Kite flying, dog racing, pork, pig, pig oil, anything made from human hair, satellite dishes, cinematography, any equipment that produces the joy of music, pool tables, chess, masks, alcohol, tapes, computers, VCRs, televisions, anything that propagates sex and is full of music, wine lobster, nail polish, firecrackers, statues, sewing catelogs, pictures and Christmas cards.”

– list of unclean things banned when the Taliban took over Afghanistan in 1996 from The Looming Tower by Lawrence Wright

Starter Colonies in Cyberspace Anticipated

(Hotchkiss) Scientists attached to the Roger’s Mesa Alien Study Institute at Lazear say they expect starter colonies in cyberspace by 2025. Crowded conditions and the lack of farmland on earth were cited as the major reason for human relocation to the otherwise uncharted terrain.

At present, research indicates that cyberspace is ready to support inhabitants and sustain life forms such as animals and plants. 

“Most of us fall into one of those categories,” laughed Dr. Laura Borealis, Director of the Institute that was established to counsel dogs and monkeys sent into outer space in the 50s.  

According to a host of filed reports cyberspace is endless enough since asphalt, tacky subdivisions and mindless sprawl, are still illegal within those environs. Although oxygen levels fluctuate and gravitational concerns have yet to be undressed, the scientists have given a firm thumbs up to the more than 200 potential homesteaders who have applied for high-speed trip permits and thousands of dotcom caches up to 80 acres.

“Cyberspace pioneers may feel like a one-eyed cat in a henhouse or even a dog on three legs right now,” said Borealis, “but they are a resilient group in search of a better life for their children where clean air and water are the rule and all is in sync with nature. Sure, things are mellow around here but that is not the case on most of the planet.”

Conflicts with the Hotchkiss National Fish Hatchery have been blown out of proportion, according to the director who emphasized that there is a place for trout, as well as kokanee salmon in cyberspace. Principles at the hatchery have repeatedly accused the alien study institute of mollycoddling recovering space travelers and secretly housing refugees from Aspen. 

“I’ve pretty much had it up to the gills with these fishwits,” winked Borealis. We have always been careful not to muddy the water or observe the trout during intimate spawning moments. Any moron can tell you that mixing trout with the aliens, galaxy-challenged chimps, stressed out doggie astronauts and even our technicians is bad medicine.”

Borealis added that the fish hatchery people were simply jealous in that they are not allowed to send clients into space.

In a related development, NASA is calling agricultural experiments on the Martian surface “a dismal failure” in that tomatoes grown and picked green there before shipment to markets on earth taste like plastic.

“Even though they are all shined up and look exactly like tomatoes they taste like cardboard,” said one genetically altered NASA investigator. “They just ain’t maters.” 

– Suzie Compost  

Tin Man to Speak Before House

(Oz) The celebrated Tin Man of the Yellow Brick Road will undress the House of Representatives tomorrow in what is expected to be a plea for compassion. The legislative body has recently passed legislation lambasting the poor while attempting to extend corporate tax breaks.

He is expected to scold House Republicans, then encourage them to have a heart while longtime associate, the Cowardly Lion, will exhort Democrats to stand up to the Trump/Pea Party and the military-industrialists that have all but set policy for the past 70 years.

The Tin Man, himself a recovering politician, has been notably outspoken of late in his attempts to rescue what is left of Republicanism in this country. Admitting that his image has suffered due to links to Dorothy (a flaming liberal) and his continued support for her know-it-all economic advisor known only in dark corridors as The Scarecrow, the Tin Man urged the body to end bi-partisan politics for the good of the nation.

Everyone’s favorite little dog, Toto, the lone intellectual in the group, is slated to host the presentation. It is common knowledge that he terrier-mix has set his sights on the Senate in 2016.

Despite engraved invitations and the promise of a free martini lunch following the talk, only three Congressmen are expected to attend. The other 432 will be out campaigning or playing golf with lobbyists. 

– Xeno Phobichek

Squatters Law Exhumed

(Montrose) Western Slope residents planning to leave town this summer are warned that a remote Homestead Era squatter’s rights ordinance is still on the state books. Until the regulation is amended, local law enforcement personnel have no choice but to follow the letter of the 1870s act.

“We will continue to implement procedures for the protection of the innocent,” said a local deputy sheriff who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We don’t like squatters any more than the next guy (does) but we have sworn to uphold the law.”

What this means is that an empty house is a potential haven for the dispossessed. Often this raggedy element will swoop down onto an entire subdivision legitimately occupying private property while the owners are absent. In some cases it can take 90 to 120 days to have the intruders legally removed.

“This is particularly rough on second home owners in resort areas like Telluride and Crested Butte where part-time residents commonly spend as little as two months a year in their sanitized castles, surrounded by state-of-the-art landscaping and a three-car garage,” said county extraction agent, Suzie Compost. “Are these people expected to actually live in these trophy homes to prevent their seizure at the hands of roving mobs?”

Civilian patrols, alarm systems, guard dogs and even mine fields have as yet not detoured the squatters who often don’t work and thus have plenty of time for impertinent occupations. One home owner, attempting to ward off trespassers dug a large moat around his property only to be informed that he did not possess ample water rights to fill the thing. Another frustrated summer resident successfully chased a band of gypsies out the front door only to discover a contingent of homeless rabble occupying the kitchen and formal dining room.

“They tore down the curtains to make clothing for their naked offspring, cut down Nepalese saplings for firewood and devastated the liquor cabinet,” said victim Jack Spratt, heir to the Tampax fortune whose 73-room home sits at the top of Edith Bunker Mesa, near Colona.

Finally ATF agents raided the place when underage smoking and the presence of unregistered handguns were documented. Spratt estimates the damage to be in the neighborhood of a tax deductible $3.3 million.

“We’re up against the wall until the legislature overturns this archaic statute,” said the quoted police officer. “Considering the danger maybe they will cancel their next recess and stay home.”

Meanwhile residents are encouraged to keep alert.

“If you must leave home for recreation limit outings to day trips or hire a house sitter,” continued the deputy. “Otherwise you may end up with some unwanted roommates.”    

–  Gabby Haze

“His ass is large enough for all to kiss. The ass is large enough. Wait your turn. Please don’t push.” – sign at donations cup at recent GOP Trump rally in Branson, MO. Organizers say it was illegally placed by radicals in Antifasta, Red Chinese spies and godless Socialists.

Toilet Paper Giants Slated to Meet

(Montrose) CEOs from the nation’s ten largest toilet paper manufacturers are slated to meet here next month to discuss the future of the industry. Along with their extended entourage the visitors will bring along over 1000 support personnel. The economic impact is expected to be felt all the way to Colona.

Insiders told the local media that specific topics to be addressed at the summit would not be released and that the group was quite secretive with regards to its business. Preliminary crews should start to roll in by April. 

VACAS LOCALES TODAVÍA EN MÉTRICA

¿Problemas en el paraiso?

(Ridgway) La mayoría de los lectores saben que en abril los bovinos locales adoptaron el sistema métrico y, desde entonces, los rebaños han estado documentando y midiendo tamaños utilizando ese estándar internacional. Desafortunadamente, existe el problema de que los vaqueros todavía se aferran al sistema inglés.

Si bien la situación parece tolerable para el cuerno de hojalata, aquí en el rancho el conflicto crece sin que ninguna de las partes esté dispuesta a hacer concesiones.

“Cuando el ganado está en el pasto o en el establo, realmente no hay ningún problema operativo”, dijo Dutch Butterfly, capataz del rancho X-Bar-None en Cow Creek. “Es cuando tenemos que mover las criaturas cuando las tartas golpean el ventilador”.

Butterfly agregó que marcar y quitar cuernos también son más difíciles, ya que las vacas miden las cosas de una manera y los vaqueros de otra.

“Es del mismo tamaño de marca y la misma cantidad de cuerno que estamos cortando. Simplemente se pierde en la traducción”, escupió. “Hay bastante que hacer tratando de ganarse la vida aquí sin fallas de comunicación”.

En realidad, es bastante fácil convertir de inglés a métrico y viceversa. Por ejemplo: cuando se cambia de millas a kilómetros, uno simplemente multiplica el número de millas por el número de kilómetros que forman una milla. Cuando se pesan pilas de heno, la conversión de libras a kilogramos es igual de fácil.

“Estas vacas son generalmente un lote cooperativo, pero distante”, dijo Butterfly. “No siempre sabemos lo que están pensando ahí afuera rumiando y todo. Es difícil decir lo que les pasa, pero todo comenzó cuando se volvieron métricas. Cada vez que alguien sugiere que regresen al buen viejo estadounidense medición comienzan todos esos gritos y patadas y simplemente no vale la pena la molestia “.

Butterfly dijo que la redada de primavera fue un verdadero desastre en el condado de Ouray con vacas yendo en una dirección y cowpunchers en otra. La hora de comer se convirtió en una lucha ya que las asignaciones diarias estaban sujetas a repetidas preguntas. Incluso las mediciones de agua se confundieron y tuvieron que clasificarse una vaca a la vez.

Después de dos meses de estudio, el Departamento de Matemáticas de la Western State University advirtió que, dado que las vacas eran simplemente ganado, los vaqueros tenían que adaptarse. Eso tampoco le cayó bien.

“Los primates no se inclinan ante los animales domésticos de la manada”, dijo Butterfly. “Simplemente no está bien”.

Otro ranchero veterano, Slim Tinkleholland de Mill Creek, cerca de Gunnison, le dijo a The Horseshoe que si a las vacas se les enseñara el respeto cuando todavía eran terneros, no se sentirían tan orgullosas.

“A nadie aquí le duele el estómago por los deseos de los bovinos / novillas de mejorar. Es solo que durante siglos hemos sido un equipo y ahora quieren ir y cambiar algo bueno”, dijo. “El hecho es que se crían para carne y productos lácteos y hasta que eso cambie, es el vaquero el que manda”.

Tinkleholland reflexionó sobre un día de mayo pasado cuando él y los peones del rancho estaban trasladando una manada de ganado de Mill Creek a Jack’s Cabin.

“La cabeza simplemente no sabía lo que estaba haciendo la cola”, hizo una mueca. Cuando un vaquero gritaba en pulgadas, las vacas mugían en metros. En un momento temimos que los perros y los caballos se amotinaran y adoptaran ese maldito recuento métrico. Cuando terminó la tarde, los Hereford se extendieron desde Almont hasta Baldwin. Que desastre.”

– Bess de Boca Pequeña