Author Archive for M. Toole
Plan to create more land gets commissioner approval
(Almont) A sweeping new blueprint which would effectively create more land in Gunnison County got by a major stumbling block Thursday as the Gunnison Board of Commissioners voted unanimously to give the plan a go.
The concept, brainchild of Tiera Tiera Tiera, a Denver geophysical consulting firm, calls for the expansion of current acreage some 10% each year over the next few years resulting in an additional 145,000 acres at the end of the program, which is expected to be concluded before 2030.
At first cold to the idea the commissioners warmed up when told that the expansion would be comprised of 40% wetlands and another 35% dark timber contemporary, comparable to the Ohio Pass region and lands above Crested Butte. The remaining 25% of the new land would be alpine and sub-alpine tundra.
Environmentalists reportedly have reserved final comments until a public hearing, slated for early 2022. Although cynical at first, many seem to have adopted the idea from a custodial standpoint allowing potential conservation measures to overcome preliminary fantasies and physical laws.
“We can envision acres of greenbelt, surrounded by Nature Conservatory parcels dotting the landscape,” said one High Country Citizens Alliance source. “We know what these people are up to and it has to do with feeding the building boom. Sure, we can tolerate a few more trophy homes just so long as at least half of the land is protected from development for all time.
If the land expansion goes as proposed, Gunnison County officials will be hard pressed to find enough wildlife to fill the newly created vacuum. Expanding the current deer and elk herds won’t be much of a chore but attracting the right kind of predators, more trout and twice the eagle population could take decades. All parties agree that preserving the food chain remains a top priority.
“People take the elements of living here for granted,” said one commissioner. “Do they think all of these animals just showed up last night? And what of the trees and plants? It took generations for these intricate elements to meld as one ecosystem. If we are going to pursue this exiting experiment with space we want to do things right. Rushing into a poorly conceived notion at this point will spell trouble down the road.”
Already the largest county in Colorado, the newly emerging landscape could, in a few years, represent a mass larger than several New England states and the District of Columbia.
“We’re not map snobs,” said a spokesman for Tiera Tiera Tiera, “or megalomaniacs intent on expanding our reality for the sake of power or profit. We just want to offer rural counties the option of positive growth beneficial to everyone…you know, more elbow room. When the first pioneers arrived they didn’t have to deal with land use codes, covenants or easements. Why? Because there was more than enough room for everyone, except of course uncooperative residents like the grizzly bear and the people who already called the place home.”
Whether the existing population centers will expand has not been discussed at press time nor was the necessary construction of new roads connecting old land with new. Percentages of vertical to horizontal parcels likewise has not been undressed.
“We’d like to see more people able to buy land, more animals grazing, more water, said one commissioner, “and, yes, even more sagebrush. Let’s not forget the sagebrush.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“You will never find peace with these fascists
You’ll never find friends such as we
So remember that valley of Jarama
And the people that’ll set that valley free.
From this valley they say we are going
Do not hasten to bid us adieu
Even though we lost the battle at Jarama
We’ll set this valley before we’re through.
All this world is like this valley called Jarama
So green and so bright and so fair
No fascists can dwell in our valley
Nor breathe in our new freedoms air.”
All Cars to Be Same Color by ’30
(Detroit) According to the nation’s big three auto makers all cars manufactured after 2025 will be the same color. This will hold true with cars and trucks made in the U.S. as well as those produced by other major players such as Japan, Germany, Russia and Great Britain.
According to an auto industry spokesperson there is no utilitarian purpose for all the colors, which were only an enticement aimed at getting people to buy cars that they thought would make a statement such as the red Corvette, the black Dakota or the silver Land Rover.
“We think today’s driver is brighter and wants to save on unnecessary frills,” clutched a high industry source. “What is red anyway but a mixture of orange and black? And what of canary yellow, or blue opal? It’s all but an illusion.”
At present every car will be painted desert tan, as it comes off the assembly line, but marketing departments are scurrying to come up with a more exciting sounding name than desert tan.
“It’s kind of a screened prune color or maybe even a rose adobe or shrouded copper, I don’t know,” he said. “I’m sure our people will come up with something nice even if it makes no logical sense at all.”
Consumer reaction was mixed with some saying color is one of the major factors to consider when purchasing a vehicle and others saying you can’t tell the difference between a Cadillac and a Mercedes anymore anyway.
“They might as well all be the same color,” quipped one potential buyer. “I’d just like to meet the person who sold them all that paint.”
– Gabby Haze
If you put enough words, ideas, characters and conclusions in one end a story is bound to come out the other. It’s physics, or chemistry, or prune juice. I don’t know.” – Melvin Bedwetter O’Toole, on the anniversary and recognition of formula novel writing, chain bookstores and payola publishing in America.
Heavy Hiker Survives Month in Woods
(Ouray) When Maxwell Belino went into the San Juans for a short hike in May he weighed in at just over 280 pounds. Today he’s slimmed down by almost one hundred pounds, shed during his curious excursion. Armed with only fishing gear and a cheap tent Belino somehow managed to survive for almost 30 days in the bush, successfully enduring late season snows, freezing nighttime temperatures and grumpy black bears waking from their hibernation.
According to rescue team sources the ragged Belino will recover in short order and although he has suffered from dehydration is in pretty good shape. Family members expressed relief at his deliverance.
“For a flatlander the guy showed a lot of common sense,” said one rescuer. “He learned to live off the land and never panicked even when the crows ate his tent and he ran out of salmon eggs.”
Belino lived on a diet of tree bark and salmon eggs for the first two weeks and then, craving protein he fashioned primitive weapons with which to hunt for prey. Perhaps the happiest day of that otherwise dark period came when he knocked two crows out of the sky with one rock from his sling-shot.
“We don’t call them (salmon eggs) Rocky Mountain caviar for nothing,” said an attending physician praising the nutritional value of fish products. “Along with the eggs our patient made soup from bark, salads from leaves and munched on unsuspecting insects. Oddly enough he seems to have leaned on all the food groups. The fat free diet afforded him the opportunity to drop down to a more manageable weight class.”
According to family members Belino’s biggest problem was the lack of reading material to help him through the long nights up high. The sun was relentless during the day and the winds picked up at night making adequate shelter a main concern.
“I wandered around during the daylight hours looking for a sign, a path, some sense of my past life,” said Belino. “Often I got lost again and could not always be sure I’d find another cave or rock outcropping in which to sleep. Suddenly I realized I had been going in circles and that, most likely, after two weeks, the search had been called off. That’s when I chose life over death and began making it a priority to find comfort in the wilds.”
Then on May 12 Belino managed to signal a hang glider who called police and the now skinny hiker was plucked from the forest. At the time of the rescue, he was only 2 miles from Highway 550 in the vicinity of Corkscrew Pass.
“If I’d only kept walking I might have been able to flag down a trucker or snowplow,” he said, “but I was all turned around. I knew east from west all right but I couldn’t determine exactly where I was at a given time so I just kept walking.”
Already his Alpine Diet has received rave reviews and at least three major publishers have made lucrative offers for Belino’s story. In addition, the local media has pegged him a bonafide hero. He plans to write a combination mountaineering/cookbook as well as produce a series of maps highlighting his trek.
“It’s a sad state of affairs when stupidity of this type is so heavily rewarded,” said one officer on the scene. “If he would have stayed home watching TV like a normal person none of this would have happened.”
– Uncle Pahgre
Interview with Muffy Hollandaise
Ms. Hollandaise, outspoken on everything from leash laws to HIV, lives in her Bear Creek condominium purchased with McDonald-Douglas stock. Although a flame-throwing liberal she supports Israel and thinks the guys and gals down at the World Bank would be fun on a date. We caught up to her in the Montrose Wal-Mart parking lot.
Horseshoe: Good day. I see that you like Taco Bell. You have lived in Western Colorado for almost a year. What do you think of all sprawl south of Montrose?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: That’s nice. You wear your activism well. Do you think there is any solution to global warming?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Yeah but it’s part of the greater whole. Are you afraid of terrorists?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about the trade deficit and the growing competition with China?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Where is China?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about the Mideast, the private contractor abuses, the costs of maintaining an army there and the perception of the Arab people as to our goals in the Mideast?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about the movement in South America to rid themselves of World Bank and IMF extortion on that continent?
Muffy:” I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Who will win the Democratic nomination for President in 2024?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Do you think the US needs a firm policy concerning illegal aliens coming into the country?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Are there UFOs flying around up there?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Is the world coming to an end?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about all of the starving people all over the planet?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What would you do if your bank burned down?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What if Sawpit was washed away in a flood?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What if someone developed a feedlot adjacent to the Valley Floor and established a tuna canning plant on Bear Creek?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What do you do to make the world a better place?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What if, all of a sudden there was no more gasoline to buy?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about the prospect of total annihilation due to nuclear warfare or an accident like Three Mile Island or Chernobyl?
Muffy: I live in Telluride
Horseshoe: Where do you live?
Muffy: I beg your pardon. That’s getting very personal.
How Willie Mays Learned to Handle Pitchers
Early in his career while playing for the Black Barons in Birmingham, Willie Mays hit a home run off Chet Brewer. The next time up the veteran pitcher drilled him in the arm with a fastball. No ball had ever hit him so hard. Mays crumpled to the ground and began to cry.
When he looked up Barons’ player-coach Piper Davis was glowering over him and kicked him.
“Skip, they’re throwing at me, Mays said.
“Boy, you see first base?” said Davis
“Yes, sir.”
“Point to it.”
“It’s right down there,” said Mays, motioning down the line.
“Then get up and go down there, and the first chance you get you steal second, then third.”
Davis then turned and walked back to the dugout and Mays trotted down to first.
He stole second and then third and scored on a fly ball.
Back in the dugout, Davis said, “That’s how you handle a pitcher.”
From Willie Mays, The life and Legend by James S Hirsch
Old Negro League Standings 1946
National
New York Cubans
Baltimore Elite Giants
Newark Eagles
Pittsburgh Homestead Grays
Philadelphia Stars
New York Black Yankees
American
Cleveland Buckeyes
Kansas City Monarchs
Birmingham Black Barons (Willie Mays played for them)
Memphis Red Sox
Chicago American Giants
Indianapolis Clowns (Hank Aaron played for them)
