Author Archive for M. Toole
Bake sale to save the environment
(Ridgway) The annual Save the Environment Bake Sale will be held on Saturday May 28 in Ridgway Park from 9 am to 5 pm. Pastries will be provided by the Ladies’ Native Planet Legume Auxiliary and the event administered by the Agency for Homophobia Security. All snails final. All proceeds go toward filling in the hole in the ozone, banning the use of plastic bags and ending fossil fuel use by November. Sponsored by the Young Anarchists of Ouray County. Come enjoy!
American Cheese Slice Survives 100 Years
(Crested Butte) An individually wrapped American cheese slice has passed another decade in a local man’s refrigerator it was disclosed today. Longtime resident Herb Ditchwater, although reluctant to disturb the cheese, has agreed to present what is technically an antique to interested parties at the Croatian Club on Friday afternoon.
“It was in there behind the frozen dog chewies, the simulated macaroni strips and the dehydrated snails,” laughed Ditchwater, who is hoping for some a nominal cash prize for his startling discovery.
Analysts say this kind of over-processed cheese is synonymous with the mindless tailings of our right now American culture. While countries like France, Ireland, Greece and even Costa Rica produce delicious gourmet cheeses the United States still continues to settle for the plastic chemical variety. More and more consumers are comfortable consuming foods, and other products, that only look like the real thing.
“Yeah, but I’ll bet my cheese could last 100 years,” said Ditchwater who plans to present the preserved slice to the Smithsonian as a classic example of American culture.
According to the undisclosed maker of the cheese it’s all a matter of supply and demand.
“Americans prefer convenience to quality. Just look at our electoral process,” said one cheese executive who dabbles in politics. If people don’t like the fare here in the U.S. maybe they should go somewhere else for dinner.”
– Jolly Pena
“Maybe a convoy is going to come together in Algeciras (and) spend the winter in Africa, the hot sun on your bony little pagan arses. Lovely.” – Charlie Redmond in Night Boat to Tangiers by Kevin Barry
TECHIES CLONE BUCKET OF WATER
(Gothic) Scientists at the Rocky Mountain Biological Lab here have successfully cloned a pail of water. Working around the clock since last June, these cutting edge researchers confirm that water was created, albeit in small proportions, after combining genetic cells of several indigenous species with captured moisture and a residue of hydrogen and oxygen molecules.
Other than that they aren’t talking.
Overshadowed for years by projects aimed at cloning everything from chickens to people, the water creation came about with little federal funding, the operations budget evolving from alternative sources and dry humor.
Many of the day to day expenses were covered by local environmental groups with the remainder of the research money coming from state and local water boards, militant ditch riders and ranching interests.
“Most water boards, especially on the Confront Range, made their contributions anonymously or under the umbrella of hastily contrived public corporations,” said Oral Waters, executive director of RMBL. “They didn’t want anyone to connect them to this innovative approach in case it failed and the whole place went up like a wild flower.
The cloned water is on display at the aforementioned museum through February 30, when it will be shipped to Denver for analysis. Already conservationists have filed a lawsuit to prevent the water from being adjudicated for suburbs and golf corpses in the Denver metro area. They say that once the phenomenon reaches the heavily populated areas to the east the Western Slope will never get it back.
Meanwhile scientists here contend they can clone even larger amounts of water just as soon as they gain
Research scientist poses with archaic desalination apparatus moments before successfully cloning a bucket of water at Gothic, Colorado. Investors here hope the discovery will ease water shortages and allow humans to continue to abuse the life sustaining element.
approval from regulatory boards and someone’s federal government.
“They want to make sure that the excess water does not adversely affect the price of existing water,” continued Waters. “It’s like oil, milk or many other liquid forms. An abundance of water could cause prices to drop and result in a negative impact on the market.”
Many local watchdogs warn that the price of water has always been in the bargain basement and that any new water in this valley would be welcome news.
Acknowledged as the breakthrough of the century, the creation of abundant water supplies will change everything, they say. Meanwhile related offices have been flooded with phone calls since the weekend.
“What the rest of the Rocky Mountain concerns do with this new found treasure is still not clear,” said one environmentalist. “Soon we may see more green fields, experiments with high yield crops, more trees, less desert and, yes, more golf corpses. We have skirted the issue for far too long thinking that new sources of the life liquid would be found. Now we appear to be on the threshold of ice-cold discovery.”
Physicians, set on pathological career advancement and fame associated with medical breakthroughs, have focused on cloning living things for decades. Despite condemnation from the government and religious groups they have blindly followed task, the medical hierarchy smiling in approval.
“For no other reason than the earth’s overpopulation this research must be terminated,” said Waters. “We don’t need any more people. But we do need a lot more water!”
Moments after the announcement a host of corporate interests were on the scene attempting to file patents, carve out deals and make claims of the new water. They seek to control the cloned substance and thus sell it to consumers at exorbitant prices.
“It’s the American way,” said one real estate executive who seeks to gain rights for a 10,000-home suburb east of Denver. “We have no water now but we have to keep feeding the monster that we have created or he’ll turn on us. Look at the pharmaceutical companies. They get away with whatever they like. If the people ever rise up and take back what is theirs we’ll all be on the chopping block.”
Waters would not comment when asked if his research would lead to the cloning of snow. He did say, however that the RMBL needed storage containers, cisterns, troughs and a backhoe so as to continue to clone the wet gold.
“What good is anything without water,” he pontificated. “So what if we drill for a million barrels of oil? It can’t keep people from their thirst. What good is a pickup load of gold if the driver is parched? We envision two men. One has a bag of gold, the other a cup of water. When push comes to shove which one would best benefit from an even trade?”
Scientists went on to assure supporters that his water was of the finest quality and tasted just like all the other water in the region.
“It’s fresh, clear and bountiful…and best when served cold,” he quipped. “The first thing on our extended agenda is to return the rivers of this country to their original state, then I myself plan to take a long, hot shower.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Drywall Museum Gets Nod
(Montrose) A workingman’s museum to honor the region’s dry-wallers has gotten the nod from County Commissioners and will now be returned to the mayor’s desk a final go-ahead signature.
According to civic sources two of the three current County Commissioners fell asleep during the hearings with the remaining commissioner, a former building inspector, abstaining due to conflict of interest. The measure passed nevertheless and the innovative site moved that much closer to a reality.
The cost of the construction is estimated to be in the $500,000 range. When completed it is expected that over 14 tourists per day will tour the facility.
– Gabby Haze
Anchor found at bottom of Irwin
(Crested Butte) A long forgotten television news anchor has been salvaged from the bottom of Lake Irwin this morning according to local police divers. The discovery, which interrupted a national ice fishing competition for three hours, brought throngs of interested onlookers from as far away as Lake City.
A phony smile plastered to the anchor’s face provided some comic relief in what was otherwise a solemn, chilling scene.
Although no positive identification has been made, authorities are quite sure the anchor is the infamous Theodore Head, who had been missing from Denver’s KBOP-TV since 1999. Although he did not survive the incident, his hair was still perfectly in place at the time of the recovery.
Head disappeared moments before 2022 after predicting that the world would end before the late news that evening.
Link: And like Maurice Hearne so eloquently explains in Night Boat to Tangiers it was “as though he was laid out for the deadhouse.” (mortuary)
Hemorrhoids Go With Territory For Talking Heads
(Denver) TV news and sports broadcasters are plagued by the highest incidence of hemorrhoids in the nation. Experts say the cause is obvious, yet few (besides former athletes) have taken to reading the news while standing up.
Besides all the sitting, sports announcers specifically suffer from a condition known within medical circles as anal-hype, a malady that surfaces after undue pressure is exerted on the sit-downer. The condition is further irritated by the constant attempts to embrace or sanction the sporting events at hand as meaningful.
Ham-handed wimps come off as macho on the screen. Lumbering robots follow the long-established patterns of Red Barber, Howard Casual and Harry Caray.
Until a few years back doctors remained where the sun don’t shine as to associated symptoms. They didn’t verbal diarrhea to anal and therefore could not treat the duel condition. Up until last year analysts ignored the painful link between hemorrhoids and camera angles for instance.
“We were prescribing everything from anti-depressants to muscle relaxers and yet statistics relating to the chronic ailment skyrocketed, scorching the chart,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, of St. Roscoe’s Pneumatic Clinic here. “It’s like treating a fever as a separate entity from a cold. How stupid of us. Think of the money we lost.”
Many of these wounded blabbermouths are seeking less conventional means to solve this annoying, and yes, career threatening problem. Often labeled truck driver syndrome it is particularly ironic that more and more TV personalities are looking to the long haulers for help.
At first we thought the sessions at the local truck drivers academy were ridiculous but then the results came out. 84% of the sufferers claimed substantial relief in about a month, most without surgery. The situation was at a crisis point, but success broke down apprehension and also created a lucrative income for the trucking industry.
The treatment is simple enough. When the afflicted arrives he is immediately gagged. Most of the time it is duct tape, but sometimes an old rag will do the trick. Second, the patient is shown absurd news footage (right from last night’s broadcast) and asked to give an appraisal of the delivery. Since they can’t talk they write it down. Then, in what appears to be the secret panacea, truck driver interns mess up the patron’s hair. It drives them nuts since it the only real link with credibility.
“We realize that anger and despair will be the result of the hair ruffling but it’s absolutely necessary to cure the victim,” explained Slim Harahan, Executive Hemorrhoid Surgeon at Greater Gallup’s Wheel-In Trucker’s Paradise and Water Park. “We need to break them down to build them up. Very rarely do we have to perform tongue extractions.”
The happy ending goes something like this for most former sufferers: Most change jobs finding new careers in radio, where one can walk about the room while giving the news and sports. Others embrace government positions, some of the more seriously addicted flirt with recurring danger as taxi drivers and astronauts.
– Melvin O’Toole
