Author Archive for M. Toole
LEVITATIONAL PARKING PLANNED AT MT. CRESTED BUTTE
(Gothic) Organically crisp officials at the Crested Butte ski area may have found the solution to chronic parking problems here by way of India. Snow Guru International, a firm of freelance swamis from the nice part of Calcutta, claims the capability of successfully suspending automotive vehicles in thin air! The mystics will go to work next Thanksgiving weekend and continue to ply their gravitational trade until the ski area closes in April.
“We figure we have extended our top occupancy ceiling to about 500,000 cars per day considering predetermined air space and a desire to let the sun shine in,” said a marketing source who asked that she not be included in this story by name. “We don’t know how this applies to skier days or if it will work on heavy powder days.”
Parked car at Mount Crested Butte in early April. Proponents grudgingly admit there will be issues to iron out before next ski season
The source then went on to admit that she had no clue what skier days might be but was quite familiar with powder days.
Across the Elk Mountains, principals in Aspen have been conducting underground tests with levitation and suspension since September. They would not talk to our reporter despite a lot of whining. In Steamboat Springs excess vehicles and skier baggage will be stored on the James Brown Soul Center of the Universe Bridge and skiers will be hauled into town via open-air tuna boats.
Imagine skiing down Jokerville or Twister at Crested Butte and looking up at your car hanging high above the resort silhouetted against the winter sky! What a rush!
“Look mom! It’s our Explorer!”
Parking fees will fluctuate depending on the size and weight of the vehicle with out-of-state skiers getting a sizable break when they purchase a package. Old Volkswagens and beat up pickups (local vehicles) will not qualify for the uplifting since the area is concerned with its image and “does not seek to clutter the horizon with a bunch of decaying jalopies”.
In addition to the parking arrangements the Snow Guru International hopes to provide a top-drawer coat and hat check, bonded baby-sitting, a convenient lost and found and a pretentious cocktail lounge for people waiting for their vehicles to return to earth.
To date there have been only a few accidents involving reentry and “not that many” people have been injured by falling cars to date. One such disaster was narrowly averted as a 3/4-ton GMC pickup was inadvertently dropped through the roof of what once was the Alpenhof Cabana, coming to a complete rest in a somewhat unoccupied men’s room.
The service is restricted to vehicles operated by persons with a valid ski pass. No AARP discount will be extended and motorists driving RVs are asked to leave the same in Almont.
“We’re really excited about this concept, said the secretive marketer. “Now a lot of the tourists will have something else to look at besides themselves parading around in their ski fashions all day. Heck, some might even get motivated and take a few runs or at least a lift ride or two.”
The Crested Butte and Mt. Crested Butte Councils have tentatively approved the plan while BOZO is firmly against, and has always been firmly against, deterring from the laws of nature. Insiders suggest that if CBMR executives will only paint themselves a sweet and sour Victorian purple everything will be alright over at BOZO.
Despite early support by other government agencies, consumers are privately urged to take Alpine Express or town bus up to the mountain until further tests are concluded.
-Barb Wire
CAMPUS KIOSK
with Rex Montaleone
FCEOA Pushes For Ethics Major
The local chapter of Future CEOs of America has petitioned Western State College to include an ethics major in its 2003 curriculum. The course of study, which would fall under the awning of the business department, would be specifically aimed at churning out honest graduates, with strong moral fiber and a sense of right and wrong.
“We feel that a student who is exposed to honor will respond,” said one proponent of the study. More and more corporate interests are beginning to the advantage to doing business on the up and up. Just look at all the corporations that have become environmentally conscious. The days of smoke and pollution are limited, especially since we sent all of our manufacturing south of the border.”
A decision on the matter is expected as early as Tuesday when state regents and faculty advisors return from a trip to Alamosa where they have been trying to squeeze operating funds out of Adams State College for lawn maintenance here at Western.
Missing Class Met with Cane
Students who miss class this fall could be caned, not canned as previously reported. According to Dean of Discipline, Margot Rotweiller, any student who misses class will be denied Taco Bell privileges, weekend passes and access to athletic events. In addition punch cards for use on the high-speed quad train will be revoked. Continued abuse will result in painful caning in front of Taylor Hall.
“We have no intention of canning (expelling) any student,” said Rotweiller, considering all the trouble we went through to get them to come here in the first place. The Horseshoe paper should proofread its stories before publication. Maybe a few whacks in the right direction might get some attention over there as well.”
Rotweiller went on to explain that it is college policy to see that all students, especially freshmen, attend all scheduled classes. She admitted that mandatory laps and standing in the corner had little or no effect on such feckless behavior last semester.
“We consider consciousness to be an integral part of the college experience,” she snapped, “and snoozing will not be tolerated either.”
At present most professors do take roll call and are quite proficient at throwing erasers at and kicking the desk legs of chronic offenders.
Cell phones added to list of banned items
Cell phones, chewing gum, and Catcher in the Rye head the list of items banned on campus this autumn. Joining such long-held taboos on such accessories as grenade launchers and neon signs, the new additions have created quite a controversy.
The annoying phones were prohibited in an unanimous vote by the Academic Interdiction Board last week sending students into a tailspin. Although the phones are forbidden on campus they are quite legal anywhere else in down. Already several cell phone labs have sprouted up where students are offered internet access, faxing and cell phone lounges.
Chewing gum, a culprit since grade school, was added to the banned list when maintenance personnel demanded overtime pay in May. Chewing tobacco or the cud was not effected at press time.Caulfield
It comes as no surprise to anyone that the controversial novel Catcher in the Rye is also on the no-no list. Conservative religious groups and right-wing interests reportedly fear the book because they don’t understand it. They say the main character, Holden Caulfield, is too close to reality and does not provide a good example to students. They suggest a tumble with a classic sociopath like Sebastian Dangerfield in The Gingerman instead.
In closing, there is some good news as reported by the American Civil Liberties Union: The much hated Student Helmet Law has been rescinded and replaced in part with the far less stringent Hip Boots Law, which promises to be quite a boon in such departments as political science and sociology.
History Department Refutes Origin of Cheeseburger
The Western State history department has formally disproved once accepted theories on the origin of the cheeseburger, not of Manifest Destiny as was reported by this newspaper. The academias did not undress controversies related to catsup, mustard or dill pickles as far as we know. It was not clear if the committee would comment on philosophies of national expansion or on rumors that the presence of molybdenum is connected to the high rate of gout in the region.
Bake sale to fund snow removal
(Silverton) A Memorial Day bake sale to help pay for snow removal will be conducted outside the American Legion Hall in Silverton. Specializing in pastries that go down well with domestic beers the organizers of the event hope to raise $1.6 million but will settle for $300. Afterwards all interested participants will travel by train to Durango for a week-long naughty hay ride and forced sing-along. It all starts at 7 am rain or shine.
Bake sale to benefit Tsunami victims
(Norwood) A ten-family ethnic bake sale will be presented on Saturday, May 28 to benefit the survivors of a series of Tsunamis that have again hit Indonesia. Despite the fact that the inhabitants affected are of the Muslim persuasion we still feel they need clean water, food and warm clothes. Toward the end of the sale a contest to determine degrees of patriotism will be held – the winner determined by the number of American flags he/she can display on a Toyota pickup. Be sure not to miss it!
Bake sale to encourage world peace
(Gunnison) A combined bake and gun sale is scheduled for Saturday, May 28 on the campus of Western State College here. Included in the fare will be doughnuts, eclairs, brownies, subversive cookies, strudel, cream puffs, hand-held missile launchers and assault rifles. All profits will be fed back into the social system earmarked for organizations dedicated to world peace. If you know any please bring contact numbers to the sale. Immediately following the sale a seminar entitled Gasoline and War will be presented by the twisted student union.
Bake sale to preserve our traditions
(Montrose) A gala bake sale to save our traditions is slated for May 28 at Lion’s Park. Attending the gathering will be Martha Stewart, James Brown, Hugo Chavez, Miss Snow Princess 2005, Governor Bill Owens, and Senor Pepino, the Sage of Carnival. It is not clear whether the new Pope will make it in time as he has a flat tire on his throne. A replica of the Montrose Wal-Mart will be set ablaze along with several captured developers from Telluride. The sale runs from 8 am to 4 pm. A slide show follows. Look for us on the web at www.goatropersneedlovetoo.com
