Author Archive for M. Toole

POLICE REPORT

Gunnison police units arrested Enselmo DesPlants, 88, in connection with the theft of a case of “hot” generic picante sauce from a local grocery. The elderly felon was placed in Gunnison County Jail for his own protection. He told officers that he was desperate and that he had been living on dog food and onions since last Cattlemen’s Days. He reportedly absconded with the picante sauce so as to spice up his otherwise drab lifestyle. He will be placed on work release as soon as he comes up with the $45 per day fee.

Zorro DesPlants, a noted Olympic bagpipe artist, was detained early Friday morning suspected of painting mustaches on political billboards throughout Hinsdale County. After 20 minutes of interrogation DesPlants was released on the advice of the arresting officer who felt that the suspect did not have artistic ability enough to have committed the said crime.

Amanda DesPlants was picked up by Montrose County authorities and charged with littering the parking lot at the former Louisiana-Pacific waferboard plant near Olathe. Upon further investigation police discovered a pickup full of organic vegetables allegedly bound for the same location. DesPlants was fined and released after promising never to set foot on the property again. She has vowed to blow up the facility on the 4th of July.

Ruthie Roosterson, (formerly Ruthie DesPlants) was hauled into San Juan County Court Tuesday and charged with over 60 dog-at-large violations. Upon further investigation it was confirmed that the “dog-at-large” was none other than Efram, Roosterson’s foul-mouthed son. The case was dismissed on the grounds that Efram had not done any real damage. He will undergo a series of shots tomorrow as well as a battery of intelligence tests aimed at verifying his exact species.

Police followed up on an anonymous tip and arrived at 21 Bleu Cheese Parkway in Placerville Sunday morning only to observe Impie DesPlants busily at work on his home computer. Officials at the Tri-State Electric Co-op in Montrose may press charges in connection with alleged transferal of bank funds from Tri-State to the 15-year-old boy’s account in Norwood. While in the home, officers repeatedly broke up fist fights between the boy’s parents Ronald and Elsie DesPlants that had apparently started over what television show the family would view next Wednesday night.

Muriel DesPlants of Silverton was fined $25 for entering a hot tub fully clothed. Charged with trespass, general menacing and public nuisance raps, DesPlants has threatened to move her trailer to “the more civilized environs of Hermosa.” More than 80 Silverton residents showed up bright and early the next morning to help her move.

Montrose police nabbed Anwar DesPlants, accusing him of engaging in Peeping Tom activities at Anciano Towers, off West Main Street. DesPlants insists that he was actually looking out of the tall apartment complex when the arrest occurred.

Compiled by Julianne Pettifogger

Pew Poll Robs Peter to Pay Paul

(Montrose) In the most recent Pew Poll, taken at local kneeling places over the weekend, Good holds a narrow margin over Evil. Principals in the polling admit that their survey is not entirely scientific since it targets faithful kneelers who are at least ninety percent within recognized pews.

“People with knees or feet sticking out cannot be counter, nor can people who are standing or sitting,” said one pollster. “Them that stayed in bed or don’t go to church at all have been written off and no consulted at all on these matters.”

Good, generally represented by a Supreme Power netted a 51% approval rating compared to Evil, represented by Demonic Darkness filed a 46% response. A surprising 3% remain undecided as of Monday morning.

“It’s difficult to comprehend how anyone could be undecided with all the publicity and everything,” continued the pollster who conceded that absentee ballots from beyond the grave would not be counted until after next week’s sermon entitled “Exporting Democracy”.

Although the polls have been conducted exclusively in Christian domains researchers insist they are valid.

“Some of the pagans have complained that the choices are far too limited,” said the poll source. “They’d like to see all the Hindu gods represented or maybe the Sun and the Moon as well. I’m just glad the enlightened are masterminding these returns or we’d have anarchy at the altar.”

At present respondents have the choice between God and Lucifer, with the other members of the metaphysical elite taking a back seat. Unless something major goes down between now and the final appraisal experts expect things to remain about the same.

“We’ve got a Supreme, all-powerful being who can’t seem to shake his adversary from the depths while the Evil One is impotent just so long as the Good Guy is on the heavenly throne,” said the pollster. “It’s a constant struggle that takes place in the heart of every human, every day. A stalemate of these proportions is unthinkable yet horns have been locked since First Light. It’s no wonder people are confused.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

“How would I have guessed that during my last hours I would sit on a rock in the starlight in a mountain laurel, explaining sexual hygiene to an apprentice in a propeller factory?” – Allessandro  Giuliani to Nicolo in Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin

One third of deceased roll over in graves

(Chicago) More than 30% of persons buried in over 1000 cemeteries across the country roll over in their graves at least once a year. According to a contingent of funeral directors and graveyard personnel, the habit or practice of rolling is not always due to what’s going on upstairs.

“We think of the deceased as reacting to a situation in our world but often the rolling is simply an attempt to get more comfortable or to readjust focus.

Cynics suggest that the entire matter is ridiculous and that when a person is dead he can no longer move.

“That’s what I thought before I started working in the field,” said Abe Teller, director of maintenance at Elysian Acres on Lake Michigan. “Some nights we can actually listen to the activity which, although subtle, is detectable to the trained ear.”

Teller went on to say that some gravestones actually shake and that the dirt is unsettled while other rolls are slight and leave no evidence of a shift.

The old expression referring to rolling over in the grave has been in use for centuries and is generally employed to describe response to a shocking or contrary action that occurs on earth after the deceased is buried. In the case of cremation these episodes have yet to be  documented.

“This place gets noisy on the weekends,” chuckled Teller, “especially after visits from loved ones.”

– Small Mouth Bess 

The Sporting Life

with Botsie 

Sunday was the first day of spring, captains, and last week I found my first dandelion green on a south-facing slope, so it is time for my yearly column about a dandelion salad. It is not exactly the dandelion season here yet; the best time to dig for dandelions is when the robin starts to dig for worms. But since spring is coming to most of the readers sooner than it comes to Crested Butte, I will do this column now so you readers can get dandelions when they are at their young best.

What you want to get is the real young dandelion greens — almost before they are really green. The best eating dandelions are the little reddish-green or whitefish shoots that you see grow where the snow has just melted from off the ground.

Later on, when the snows are all gone and the dandelions seem to mostly be old dandelions, go to the fields and pastures, and look on the mounds by the gopher holes; there you will usually find little shoots.

Take a knife for getting the greens, make sure you go beneath the soil to get the whole green, as the part just above the roots is the tender part.

When you have got a box or a pan full of dandelion greens, take them home and wash them good to get all the grit off them. Then let them sit overnight if possible in a pan of cold water, to crisp them up. You can treat them just about like lettuce, keep them in your refrigerator crisper if you want.

You eat them just like you would eat an endive lettuce too. I like to salt them real good, and mix them with oil and vinegar, when I want a good fast salad.

If I have a little more time, I make up this special bacon-grease salad dressing. To make it, you cut up a piece of slab bacon into tiny chunks; then you put them in a pan, along with some Mazola-type oil, and let them simmer until the chunks are crisp. Then you take the pan off the stove to cool it off. As soon as it is cool enough so the vinegar does not splatter if it hits the grease, add wine vinegar to suit your taste. Then put the pan back on the stove to keep it warm. When you are ready to serve the salad, pour the bacon grease dressing over the dandelion greens. This is a hard-to-beat salad, captains; I guarantee you will like it with fish and potatoes, or maybe a steak.

Keep the dandelion recipes in mind; this kind of a salad is especially handy if you are going on a camping trip. There is no need to pack along lettuce with the good Lord providing dandelions at every gopher hole or snow bank. But it is also nice even if you are just at home—when you go out to weed the lawn the next time, save the dandelions, and you will have two jobs done at once.

(Our good friend Rudolph Spritzer passed on a few years back but we still communicate almost on a daily basis. This is one of his best columns written in 1974)

More “TOOLE escapes”

continued from previous imagination

and fell through the heavy brush. Toole was then debriefed and deloused then flown to Airububis, in the western corridor of this dirty, sniveling little republic. Unfortunately a malfunction in the bar car of the helicopter caused it to plummet to earth delivering the hapless Toole into the mouths of swarthy cannibals and into the hands of their long-time allies, the British. It was at this time that an English officer backhandedly introduced Toole to the lovely Nubian Princess Irm Peawit, “Mistress of the Nile” and heir to the Oscar Meyer meat fortune. Peawit had run away to Africa after the Cubs lost the play-offs in 1985, and had married several chieftains before falling into slavery in July of 1986. Peawit and Toole immediately began planning their escape.

Upon his arrival to Airububi Toole had noticed a system of microwave towers strategically placed at nondescript intervals throughout the region. If he and his exotic runaway could just reach the first tower undetected they had a chance. It would be all worthwhile if he could deliver the unsuspecting Peawit to her parents in Lake Forest, Illinois and collect a handsome reward of 30,000 pounds of bacon.

(continued on page 67)

Mob Offers Collection Seminar

(Crested Butte) A three-hour seminar relating to bill collection techniques and hands-on debt relief will be presented by visiting gangsters as part of Mafia Ski Week scheduled for the last week in January in 2023. Conducted by experienced collectors, the presentation will introduce such dubious methods as intimidation, destruction of property and garnishment.

The carefully chosen panel features some 200 years of combined debt retrieval experience at all levels of collective bargaining. 

“What is crucial here is to convince the deadbeat that he must prioritize his liability or face punitive action,” said one debt expert who petitioned anonymity. “We are not concerned with how many people are owed only that a specific client is owed. We are not the bank or the credit bureau and we will teach those in attendance to focus as a more direct, one-dimensional entity, one that doesn’t send out bills.

The multi-layered approach to debits and balance sheets, although often extreme, has been documented to be 98% effective according to shadow groups engaged in implementation of traditional means of collection.

“Our success rate speaks for itself,” said the seminar source. “Sure our methods are crude but the bottom line is always in view. Sometimes intense measures are necessary to get the attention of the irresponsible.”

Mafia Ski Week, although not sanctioned by any particular group, is seen as a “reasonable substitute for Evangelical Naked Skiing and controversial Flea Ski programs that have failed to produce needed revenue for the town” according to unreliable sources on the Mountain. 

The concentrated program costs $150. Interested parties are encouraged to pay up front. Lunch will be served.

– Susie Compost

“She also spoke to the baby in French. She was well educated, and those kind of people speak French to their babies.”  – art museum guard to Allisandro in Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin