Author Archive for M. Toole

FOOD

Arepas likely not served at Last Supper 

(Jardin, Colombia) Despite the insistence of Archbishop Ramiro Innocence “Pepe” Calderon of Bogota,(Colombia) a Final Vatican Council has cast doubt that arepas were part of the fare at the Last Supper. The Pope Francis, the Argentine pontiff who was unable to play the full 18-hole golf/retreat due to a knee injury concurred, saying that he would like to think that  they served beans and rice although the crops were not cultivated in Palestine at the time. 

“Yerba mate and Uruguayan dulce de leche from Uruguay were likely on the card.” . The wine was clearly a kosher Malbec from Mendoza,” said the Francis flexing his infallibility from the chair. Dead Sea scholars agree that it is quite likely that mate found a place at the sacred table and other fare common to the poor.

After dessert the diners split up into two teams and played football despite the finality of the group’s assemblage and clarity as to fiscal spiritual endeavors and forays into Palestinian regional cuisine.

-Maribelle Archette

Slivovitz wins moonshine laurels

Outdistancing Greco-suma  Lao Lao  Smokey Mountains’ White Lghtning  and Irish poteen, Czech slivovitz has again been voted Best Moonshine on Earth by Lunar Distillers International and more than 20 foreign embassies. 

“They did a damn nice job on the batch,” said one appreciative slurper. “The hint of plum is quite a plus.”

 

Alliteration of the week:

“We cannot allow the Western Balcans to become a playground for Putin’s pernicious pursuits,”

– Boris Johnson

Many who attacked Capitol ate wads of raw cookie dough as kids says report

Indicted or not, suspects filmed/interviewed by Captal Police and FBI have one thing in common. They all ate was of raw cookie dough as children. The data emerged as sociologists attempted to string together behavior stats on indicted rioters and prosecutors try to determine where to go next in what are often unchartered waters. 

The cookie dough thing is just one of those odd bit of information that elbows its way into the conversation. Whether this indicates a lack of parental supervision was not clear.

Doctors have issued the stupid warning about consuming cookie dough. They insist that  wolfing raw cookie dough as a child leads to unresolved conflicts and anger issues later in life. (See Chunker gluttons.) 

Counseling is available by people who think they are not crazy too.

“They tapped the anger cask, the hate keg”, said Ellie Ladyfinger. “I think there are other deeper issues than raw flour.” 

Related: The unorthodox and highly inconsequential, even irrelevant manner of gathering information represented a classic good cop – bad cop approach with an eye on stimulating dialogue. Several silly questions about first pets, favorite sports teams, and what they had for breakfast were meant to relax the suspect before the more meaty cross-examination about personal relationships, starting fires and preferred video games reared their heads.

FIRST FOURTH OF JULY BARBECUE A REAL BASH

by Ripple Van Winkle, whose ancestors never agreed to sign anything

“I may never attend another tea party as long as I live”

       – King George III of  England, in response to protests in Boston Harbor, 1773.

“Who brought the potato salad?”

– Josiah Bartlett, of New Hampshire, about an hour after the approval of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

The tradition of the Fourth of July barbecue has been with us for damn near 250 years. Appropriately enough, the first one was celebrated while the ink was still wet on a noted document that declared the independence of the Thirteen American Colonies from Great Britain.* 

Since the end of the French and Indian War tension between the British Crown and the Colonies had increased significantly. The conflict in America had left the  royal treasury depleted. The British were real estate poor and needed cash run the empire. The solution? Raise taxes in the Colonies and tighten customs controls. After all, in the eye of the Crown, the Americans had benefited most from the French defeat and somebody had to pay the caddie.

Many of the Colonists responded by harassing tax and custom officials and blood was shed. In Boston, in 1770 British redcoats opened up on protesters over on King Street, killing five. Spoiling for a fight, the Sons of Liberty jumped on the propaganda bandwagon, dubbing the bumbling incident a massacre, calling it The Shot Heard Round the World. Actually, according to ear-witnesses, the shot was heard only about as far as Concord but that little truth would not have allowed for the impact on potential supporters.

In 1773 angry Colonists hosted the Boston Tea Party and in the spring of 1775 at Lexington the fighting erupted between Yankee farmers and British regulars.

The next year, on July Fourth, with hostilities in full swing, all of the Colonies except New York voted in favor of the now completed Declaration of Independence. New York adopted it on July 11, one week after a barbecue thrown by the Continental Congress. Historians still cannot agree as to whether the New Yorkers brought the slaw or a three-bean salad but despite an afternoon of candid, often controversial exchanges the the Tory-infested colony joined the rebellion.

We eavesdrop on that fateful July 4, at about 2:30 in the afternoon: A group of revolutionaries including Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Samuel Chase, John Hancock, William Whipple and Francis Lightfoot Lee are standing around a large pit where turkeys, venison and sausage were being cooked. The accents range from Yankee twang to southern drawl. 

The severe differences of opinion herein that brought on civil war 85 years later,

threatens the harmony of our nation today.

Whipple: …I don’t know Tom, I’m all for this all men are created equal business but I’m afraid we could be in for one ass kickin.

Jefferson: You worry too much, Bill, the  British are far too busy with the French to pay us any mind. Besides, we’re half a world away.  After a few months King George’s redcoats will be in full flight, tails between their legs.

Adams: That may be wishful thinking, Tom. King George seems obsessed. He calls us a mob of insolent, petty lawyers. His doctors have even warned him about getting too excited about planning the war. I don’t expect him to back off. Our spies say he’s already hired regiments of Hessians to do his bidding.

Chase: Damn! Hessians would be nothing! Will those green horseflies give us no peace? I knew it was a mistake to rent this hall across from the livery stable!

Lee: Miserable creatures akin to British tax assessors.

Hancock: How are those ribs coming, Sam? All this prime scuttlebutt has made me quite hungry.

Chase: I’m just about to add the sauce, John. It was concocted by one of my slaves. The sausages are just about ready. Hand me the spatula and I’ll turn them again.

Franklin: Has anyone seen George Washington? He said he’d make the trip down from New York today.

Lee:  He’s probably still busy watching the British fleet come up the Hudson. Have we established an official position on his expense account yet? It’s nice that he’s agreed to run this whole shooting match without a salary but somebody had better keep an eye on his taste for the good life. His sherry bill alone could put us all in the poor house before we put a bonafide army in the field.

Whipple: Speaking of money, we really don’t have the authority to spend a penny nor to levy taxes to fight a war. We were lucky to raise money for this barbecue.

Franklin: All things in good time.  My dealings with the French have opened new doors. It is our sacred duty to continue the struggle against tyranny with empty pocketbooks if necessary. The will of a free people is powerful.

Hancock: Just who are we including on this holy roster, Doctor Franklin? What about the Indians? What about the slaves? I don’t see any women among our group of eager signers.

Lee: Now see here, John, up in Massachusetts, you’ve got a slew of hot headed ideas. You’ve also got a slew of indentured servants running around while, out of the other side of your mouth, you condemn slavery in the South. Slavery is just a matter of economics, boy. It’s nothing personal. Let’s kick the Brits out first, then we’ll deal with domestic matters.

Jefferson: It does sound a bit hypocritical now that you mention it, but the revolution will not survive without the support of the slave owners. Maybe we could change the wording in the first paragraph. How does some men are created equal grab you?

Whipple: It’s too late. Our declaration is already at the printers. Besides, most of the fringe element cannot read anyway.

Franklin: Either way I think we have defined a set of timeless democratic principles…

Adams: That’s nice, Doctor, but let’s get back to this “all men being created equal matter. Is that everybody or just white males who read and write and own land?

Franklin: It’s not just everyone who’s here now. It includes all the people who will come to these shores in the future.

Whipple: Immigrants? I never considered that a break with the Empire will open us up to hordes of the tired and poor. Do you want a bunch of ragamuffin foreigners roaming the streets of Philadelphia, Doctor Franklin?

Franklin: I don’t see that we have a choice. We have to include everyone.

Lee: Nonsense. We have to keep the lid on or we will become the minority in our own land. 

Jefferson: It may appear to some that we have acted hastily and that reconciliation with the Crown is the logical outcome of our efforts…

Franklin: Reconciliation is no part of anyone’s plan. It’s submission or the sword. Our only alternative to independence is slavery.

Adams: Slavery for who?

Chase: Slavery for slaves, John. You Yankees just can’t seem to get a grip, can you.

Jefferson: Gentlemen, let’s not argue over issues yet to be addressed. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Adams: And then what happens when we want to get to the other side?

Lee: Gentlemen, please, let’s not let politics get in the way of our stomachs. Looks like the table is prepared. Let’s eat.

Hancock: Not so fast, Francis. I think my esteemed colleague from Massachusetts is on to something. Surely the French will be laughing up their silk sleeves at our brashness. I think we had better decide the slavery issue now.

Chase: Your food’s getting cold, John. First we have to send King George packing, then we can talk this over. I’m sure we’ll come to the right conclusions. After all, we are honorable men. Try some of these ribs. They’re delicious, and the eagle’s not half bad either.

-Kashmir Horseshoe 

*The actual signing of the declaration didn’t take place until August 2  but here, for the convenience of all, the author ascends to the divine right of historical embellishment . In addition, it is virtually impossible to determine if everyone holds a barbecue on that date.

    

Growing Number of Elvis Impersonators Flood Kremlin

(Moscow) What amounted to a few hundred Elvis impersonators in Red Square yesterday has quickly morphed to thousands, distracting potato head supporters of the war in Ukraine and leaving Vladimir Putin’s masterplan exposed to yet another setback.

Yes, Muscovites awoke this morning to more than a stumblebum war and a crippled economy. Looking out onto Red Square many expressed alarm as the place was jam- packed with people dressed as the late American singer icon, Elvis Presley.

Where all of the Elvises came from is anyone’s guess especially in a country that grows more closed by the day. Although police arrested over 2000 Elvises this morning alone by the afternoon their numbers had snowballed, surging beyond police barricades augmented by pleasant summer weather.   

“Some jumped from planes, others arrived by bus from unidentified border crossings,” 

according to a segment on the popular TV show Czarist Living. “Most wore sequin and had that sneer, you know the one, with the hips swaying and the crooning. Who wouldn’t take notice? 

At present no Elvis has leveled sanctions on any oligarchs.

EU officials expressed hope that the absurd nature of this development might overflow into ongoing negotiations marred by the flow of emigrants from the pariah nation to nearby countries and the resilience of many to continue the embrace of a classic peasantry

“Our jails are filled with Elvises,” maintains one Putin loyalist. “There is no room for the drunks!”

-Fred Zeppelin

VISITING ALIENS WILL TALK ONLY TO THE IRISH

(Dublin) In the hubbub ash of recently alleged Chinese-Alien messaging, one preference is clear. Extraterrestrials favor communicating exclusively with the Irish. According to astronomers and telescope cowboys all over the Emerald Isle that only stands to reason.

Ireland’s remote rocky Atlantic may be less threatening than continental Europe and more accessible than more southern and western cores of civilization according to sources at NASA and Roskosmos, the Russian Federal Space Agency.

“The landscape may be attractive, landing zones more plentiful, the populace more accepting and customs more familiar,” said Eamon Leap, of West Cork Observatory in Union Hall. “Irish is classified as none of the more difficult languages while the music is the easiest to embrace.”

Leap said many in his village believed that leprechauns still lived in the middle earth and that the banshee visits the dying while tinkers and tenors roamed free, walking amid the stars above.

“The jump to accepting extraterrestrials in our sky is not a formidable one,” winked Leap.

As most of our readers no doubt already know the claim by the Chinese that they had direct contact with alien beings was dismissed by “knowledgable sources” who contend that the recorded chatter and strained sounds came from humans mucking up the radar with their microwave ovens and hair dryers.

Many too are skeptical of the flashy Sky Eye Fast Telescope, the pride of China Manned Space Agency, that they say picks up only artificial signals on aging cryogenic receivers.

“The Chinese are rookies,” said a combative spokesman from SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence). “They have no business being up here with the planets. The suggestion that advanced beings would seek out Beijing is laughable and potentially harmful to sensitive contacts that happen everyday. We are on it. The Chinese are not,” he rammed.

Meanwhile in Connemara, a mysterious, yet official-looking memo discovered in Westport Town suggests some sort of soiree of fiddler’s proportions should be arranged for mid-September. What might be Hiberno-Martian scribbling could be referring to 1916 and Bana Strand welcoming parties who, despite 4 kegs of Guinness and 40 Loaves and Fishes managed to spoil another uprising against the King. A small plow and star are said to have appeared in the sky over Sligo moments after the memo from “Friends in the Ballyheigue Galaxies”.

“If the extraterrestrials want to chat the Irish make the best talkers on the planet,” continued Leap. “Throw in a little Druid, some bogland, a few Vikings, green mountains, seafood, the finest sailing, good whiskey and the people and it’s no surprise we were first pick.”

Hopes that a meeting could be arranged on Stevens Green or Trinity College were shattered when the prospective date turned out to be a bank holiday, one of many days off for a large chunk of the population.

Despite a mute Dahl many others share opinions and reactions in Wexford.

“It took us 700 years to get rid of the last intruders from over across the water,” said one man. “Let’s not be so naive to think these marauders are just coming for tea.”

Several men at the bar at Doyle’s Bar echoed similar sentiments saying that the economy didn’t need anymore outsiders on the public dole.

A man walking on the Liffey welcomed the space travelers.

“We can all live together just so long as the rashers hold out,” he said.

Meanwhile the final word coming down from the shawlies on the Shannon suggests that there is very little we can do about who sails into our harbors, either from the sea or the skies.

“So why worry now?” they asked.

“The Irish stand the best chance of communicating and appreciating the tasks of space wanderers considering Diaspora of that group and tendency toward articulate if not lavish grammar and a sense of the big picture…Looking out into the Atlantic may provide lots of visual.”

“We know the Norsemen and Danes built Galway, Waterford and Cork but did creatures from other planets really build all these pubs?” 

-Finbar Lug

Rhino Redeployment in Africa Sheds Light on Hippo Time Bomb in Colombia

(Doradal, Colombia) Thanks to a late Colombian drug pin, feral hippos (Hippopotamus amphibious) continue to roam the waterways of this South American country. The often aggressive mammals were once part of an elaborate zoo created by the infamous Pablo Escobar. 

When a majority of the other animal residents were adopted by zoos these monsters proved to be too difficult to handle and were left to fend for themselves. Biologists thought the hippos would eventually die out, solving the problem.

Now the government in Bogota is trying desperately to rid the country of the thriving beasts.  Although consistently aggressive toward humans, they are seen as victims, an anomaly of the first degree in a culture that appreciates anomalies. The “cocaine hippos”, as they are called, are an ecological disaster, yet most Colombians are against killing them.

An adult hippopotamus can weight in at 5 tons and live for up to 70 years in a climate like that of the Colombian river valleys. Their impact on fish and other wildlife is horrible according to sources here. It is believed that as many as 120 live in Colombia where no natural predators reside. Short of elimination, blueprints call for a severe culling of the non-native species.

“Hippo castrations are dangerous business,” said Pedro Valasquez, a veterinarian from Bolombolo. “That should be clear enough to anyone with a brain. We’ve tried chemicals, darts with Gonacon contraception and strategic hamlets. One missionary from Oklahoma even tried preaching abstention. So far we report chaos.

Another more cynical approach would be to smuggle the hippos to Miami where they could be processed, ground up, distributed and snorted by druggies, creating an overnight demand and more opportunity for struggling campesinos here.   

– Kashmir Horseshoe 

Starbucks Purchases Ethiopia

(Addis Ababa) The Starbucks Corporation has raised the ante in the ongoing coffee wars with the acqusition of the African country of Ethiopia. The buy, for an undisclosed sum, is expected to give the coffee giant a distinct advantage over competitors around the world since a majority of the company’s beans currently come from that region.

The acquisition of Ethiopia is expected to give Starbucks direct access to at least 30% of the world’s coffee resources without the middle man. Lower cost for commodities should translate into more choices for the consumer at cheaper prices. This is the first time an international corporation has legally purchased an entire country*

What all this means for Ethiopia is anyone’s guess.

“We expect to put everyone to work producing coffee for our customers which in turn should improve the economy here,” said Sarah Bin- Latte of Starbucks.

The actual takeover will come as early as next month and, despite no announcement to relocate corporate offices, the coffee maker is realigning priorities and will establish a strong presence in Northeast Africa.

Crowds massed in Haile Selassie Square shouted slogans and burned coffee beans in protest of what they call an invasion of their homeland and the decimation of their culture by the foreigners.

“With the short exception of the Italian occupation prior to World War II, we have never been on the selling block,” said Anwar Saladin, a professor at Addis Ababa University and leading critic of the buy-out. “We were not colonized by Rome or by Napoleon and we damn sure won’t stand for this takeover by a bunch of sun-deprived yuppie executives from Seattle. It’s one thing for Starbucks to embrace fair trade agreements in the light of day and quite another to swallow up our country in the shadows of late afternoon,” he rasped.

Bin-Latte concedes that the transfer will involve some getting used to but that Starbucks is dedicated to preserving the local culture and political infrastructure.

“We are not Crusaders! We are not the Knights Templar. We don’t want to run the country. We just want to export the coffee,” she said. “We are not colonizers, only businessmen. We fully expect that everyone in Ethiopia will benefit from this full, rich experience. Let’s face it: There aren’t a lot of people eating real well here now and our presence may help relieve these social and economic ills. The investment alone should jack up the economy and we will not allow the quality of our product to be compromised simply because we have been subsequently thrust into the political arena.” 

Latte would not comment when asked if Ethiopians would soon man the thousands of Starbucks outlets worldwide.

“I cannot comment on that possibility at this time but I will say we have no agenda for lay-offs in the industrialized sector.”

Ethiopia currently ranks right up there with Colombia, Brazil, Sumatra and Vietnam as growing the tastiest coffee on earth.

Radical elements here have threatened to either destroy Starbuck installations or wait a few years and nationalize the operation. Violence toward Starbuck personnel is not expected. 

Aging financier, Daddy Starbucks could not be reached for comment regarding moves by Ethiopian dairy cows to sabotage the deal by refusing to give milk until Starbucks bails out. This morning sugar cane workers have threatened a walk-out so as to show solidarity with Saladin’s group.  

In a related development, the much publicized seizure of neighboring Somalia by Bill Gates and friends has been put on the back burner until the actual landlords/owners (if any) can be located. Warlord second and third lien holders have been the bugaboo in that potential agreement. Coastal Somalia, known to be rich in high quality, bonanza soft chips, has been coveted by computer nerds since the early Nineties. They hope to extract the micro elements through a breakthrough laser mining process that can be conducted by satellite.

– Rex Montaleone

*clandestine control of domestic economies by corporate interests has been common in emerging countries, especially in Central America and Southeast Asia, since the dawn of the 19th Century.