Author Archive for M. Toole

Paper to Aid in DUI Crackdown

The scene outside of Wimpton Billiard Hall clearly illustrates a crime in progress. The cars belong to Melvin Toole of Spring Creek and Gloria “Ruth” Lesse of Olathe. The photo staff of the paper hopes to catch drunks before they can get on the highway this summer.

(photo by Murial Armbruster)

(Montrose) The San Juan Horseshoe will join law enforcement officials in further DUI crackdowns this summer by photographing vehicles parked outside of local bars. The move, dubbed Operation Nab a Drunk, was kicked off Friday despite criticism from civil rights groups and without the approval of anyone in authority.

The scene outside of Excuses Billiard Hall in Manana clearly illustrates a crime in progress. The cars belong to Melvin Toole of Spring Creek and Gloria “Ruth” Lesse of Olathe. The photo staff of the paper hopes to catch drunks before they can get on the highway this summer.

“Why should local police have to hang out near bars and restaurants to arrest  drinkers?” asked publisher Kashmir Horseshoe from the men’s room at the paper. “Certainly they must have other more important duties to perform during their shifts.”

The paper will rely on anonymous tips, rumors and hearsay when determining which hot spots to pinpoint. After initial investigation a staff photographer will be dispatched to the location of impact and a series of shots will be taken as proof of infraction.

“This way the police are not responsible for proof of attendance/occupancy near the particular bucket shop or spirits dispensary,” continued Horseshoe.

The DUI crusade, embraced by the law enforcement estate in the early 90s, has not only been financially profitable but has ruined the lives of countless social drinkers who made the mistake of having one more. Little attempt has been made to distinguish between the chronic drunk and the person who has wine with dinner or stops for a beer on the way home from work.

Meanwhile jail construction continues at a record pace as the US attempts to catch China and Myanmar for the lead in inmate population .

The paper plans to publish the incriminating photos each month until everyone is incarcerated. Free-lance photos will be considered on an individual basis with by-lines rather than fees respected at all times.

– Small Mouth Bess

LOCAL COPS COULD LOSE TV PRIVILEGES

(Gunnison) Police guilty of over-aggressive tactics will be dealt with harshly if House Bill 49993 makes it through the Senate. If passed the bill calls for the suspension of TV viewing by police officers.

“We have a segment of law enforcement personnel who have lost the ability to distinguish between TV cop shows and the day to day reality of our small towns,” said one proponent of the bill. “They think they are fighting crime when what they’re doing is harassing innocent citizens. We need less macho and more serving and protecting. We don’t need a SWAT team to get a cat out of a tree.”

Law makers are concerned that extreme enforcement techniques will only continue to polarize an already shell-shocked populace in small towns. They say overreaction to a potentially explosive situation deprives people of their rights and causes deep resentment toward authority in general. Police should be taught to first attempt to defuse a situation, not just to control.

“Now we are aware that the urban areas are no Mayberrys and that the majority of police are hard-working, well-intentioned civil servants,” continued the source, “but we are convinced that a few bad apples populate cruisers, especially in “safer rural communities”.

While supporters say they have ample votes to write the bill into law, detractors at the state level say an eleventh hour filibuster could be necessary to kill the move. One fence-sitting element stops short of punitive measures suggesting rather that focal points in Constitution are foremost in the regular curriculum at the police academy. – Melvin O’Toole   

Supreme Quart to vote on Dunning vs Kruger this week

(Washington) Continuing analysis revolving around the controversial Dunning-Kruger Effect has pummeled this week’s Supreme Quart into action. The black-robed justices, standing as the highest court in the land are expected to either continue to adhere to stipulations herein or throw the whole mess out the window according to insiders here.

Particularly sensitive to criticism and gaping questions about security as illustrated by leaks on convoluted decisions on Roe vs Wade, the appointed judges will again break trail on the controversial and tenuous  status of Dunning-Kruger in the United States. 

The Dunning–Kruger effect is a highly dependent bias whereby people with low ability at a task overestimate their ability. In short they do not have the skills or intelligence to realize the low level of their thought falls short or nowhere. Some researchers also include in their definition the opposite effect for high  performers: their tendency to underestimate their skills.

The Supreme Quart is focused on this phenomenon due to stark data suggesting the Dunning-Kruger Effect itself is in run-away mode, threatening to sabotage logic, cooperation, restraint and balance in the daily life of the floundering republic that it serves.

“Is it all just a medley of sound bytes with no distinction between truth and lies?” asked a veteran capital vender who has no opinion on politics. “A populace who cannot distinguish between the two is destined to fail no matter who’s on the bench.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

Remember Magh Itha! – battle cry from ancient Ireland

Cigar Smoking Not Hobby

(Moline) The practice or habit of cigar smoking does not deserve hobby status according to the North American Diversion Consortium and marginal Entertainment here. The committee, manned by people with nothing else to do all day, reversed a previous decision made back in March and reported by this newspaper.

During an emotionally charged meeting several proponents of cigar smoking lit up and then stormed out of the hall.

The final vote of 5-0 refused to recognize cigar smoking as a legitimate hobby. In further action the group did a crisp about-face on the status of stamp collecting which was deemed immoral almost three months ago as well. Butterfly mounting was not discussed leading experts to conclude that that some hobbies remain sacred in the face of creeping political correctiveness.

“There is nothing obscene about placing stamps in a scrapbook and then forgetting about them,” said the group. “The problems begin with constant vigils over stamp books and the very way some collectors acquire their goods.”

As expected the announcement skirted comment on the use of airplane glue in close quarters and the raising of dangerous herbs. A harsh response on the part of cigar chompers and the National Brotherhood of Humidors is not expected.

-Pepper Salte

Bingo Treatment Center Opens Today

(Montrose) The region’s first bingo treatment center has scheduled an open house for this afternoon. Located in the abandoned Wal-Mart building on South Townsend Avenue, the diversionary sports/recovery complex has been praised as both a recycling marvel and a boon to urban renewal efforts.  

Encouraging both potential patients and interested parties to attend, the medical staff will present a wide selection of prescribed treatment programs both out-patient and full care. Civic leaders, expected to be in attendance, hope the opening will encourage further growth in compliance with the intricate masterplan for the grandjunctification of the Uncompahgre Valley.

The facility, officially named St. Roscoe’s Bingo Rehabilitation Hub, after the patron saint of bingo and RVs, has been bankrolled with cash confiscated from illegal lottery operations/surplus DUI funds, and thanks to a grant from the Native American Consortium of Gambling Casinos and Golf Courses in Colorado and New Mexico. In addition, addicts on scholarship will sell bingo cards door-to-door here in order to raise additional operating capital for field trips and the like.

Its 40-bed recovery area features a veteran staff made up of medical personnel, sociologists, missionaries, psychologist, many recovering bingo addicts themselves. Shock treatment will take place solely at night and always under the strict supervision of authorized bingo callers. A full time alchemist is slated to be on duty 24 hours per day. Physical therapy, hypnotism and those magic crystals are to be prescribed only in the most chronic cases. 

The help center, in compliance with city ordinances, is non-smoking but a system of sealed off lounges offering bad coffee, grocery check-out periodicals, card tables and ash trays will grace both the B-29 and R-16 suites, where smoking is permitted.

“We want to thank the entire community for supporting this progressive approach to ending bingo guilt and perversion,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, head cardiologist at the clinic. After all, bingo abuse should not be classified as a mental illness. Think of all the money we could save if we stopped punishing addicts as criminals.”

Lackluster says the goal of the center is to provide the community with healthy, motivated bingo players upon release.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

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