Author Archive for M. Toole
Utopia Mart Opening Saturday
(Montrose) A retail outlet promising eternal bliss is slated to open its doors this weekend. Offering consumers everything from dill pickles to breathing machines Utopia Mart expects to control a chunk of the consumer tide in just about a month.
“They even have people that will chew your food for you,” said one credit card enthusiast who has been camped out in the parking lot since June.
“Everything you could ever need to live a full life,” said another unhinged consumer, “and the pharmacy is nothing short of shoplifting…I mean uplifting.”
“There was never a good war or a bad revolution.”
– Edward Abbey
Pope to give away Vatican fortune
(Rome) Pope Francis today broke from a 2000-year tradition with the announcement that he would redistribute the vast wealth of the Vatican. Initial allocations will begin flowing immediately with the primary recipients expected to be practicing Catholics living in poverty. In the spirit of Euchumenicalism other poor people, deemed deserving, could get in on the pay-out by early next year.
At present, most of the wealth is being directed to poor Catholics in South America and Africa where poverty marches hand-in-hand with religious fervor. Guidelines for future compensation to groups such as Native Americans and others who may have suffered due to Vatican imperialism over the centuries have yet to be established. The new liberal policies dictate that money be bestowed without prejudice to hungry sectors through Doctors Without Hoarders.
According to an official statement the Vatican has apologized for banking its fortune while so many people go without the basic necessities.
“We know full well that this deserving constituency in evolving countries often engages in the practice of pagan rituals,” said Cardinal Emilio Zacola who, when the smoke cleared, almost became Pope Zacola last month. “We stole all those traditions and blended them into our own dogma back during the conquest/conversion of the heathens. I say let them have their idols and little gods. What’s it hurting? At least now they’ll have food to put on their table, if indeed they have a table.”
The sum currently residing in Vatican coffers has been estimated at over twelve billion dollars, all of which will be given away according to ranking Cardinals.
The abrupt shift in fiscal policy is expected to benefit the world economy putting more money in circulation. Economists project that the increase in consumer ascendancy will strengthen democracy in developing nations as large segments of the population begin joining the middle class.
“The Master was very clear on the concept of helping the poor,” continued Zacola. “Ancient scripture has always talked about giving and receiving. With the exception of the Divine Right theories and rationalized greed all of the theologies agree. Now maybe all those references to the meek inheriting the earth will be put into practice,” he said. “We’re not implying that the Master was a Socialist but neither did he work on Wall Street or sit on the Trilateral Commission.”
In a related matter the Pontiff had no comment on rumors that the Vatican would pursue the privatization of the Confessional.
“There will be no arbitrary consideration on sins of omission,” he said, “but on Fridays we will run a happy hour special on absolution. It will go cheap. With all of our money gone we should be able to qualify for foreign aid from the industrialized nations.”
– Alfalfa Romero
“It’s simple enough: If you want to sleep with Jane you’re gonna have to swing through some trees.” – Tarzan
STREETS NAMED FOR TERRORISTS NIXED BY VOTE
(Wimpton) Voters here have come out 3 to 1 on the question of whether a local developer can name streets in his subdivision after known terrorists. In a special referendum held here prior to the general vote, 80% voted against the idea.
The creators of Trepidation Terrace, a gated community at 3388227755 1/2 Road, had already engaged in the questionable labeling when several nearby neighbors became alarmed. Soon petitions flowed like irrigation water.
Sources at Catastrophe Realty say they wanted to name the first three streets after Arab terrorists like that Aba Dalla fellow from the Taliban and some of the better known jihad all-stars from Algeria. Terrorists linked to the World Trade Center bombing would be featured on the streets while suspects in the US Embassy explosion in Kenya would be noted on the avenues.
Determining the birth names of many of the terror luminaries was difficult since they don’t generally wear name tags on the job.
“They tend to operate incognito,” said the neighbor.
The second grid would feature the names of gestapo officers which, due to the fascist obsession with record keeping, was an easier task.
“The third tier would be reserved to honor of political dragoons here in the USA,” said one concerned citizen who operates a holistic sugar beet farm across the highway from the project. The entire subdivision resembles the Oklahoma City federal building anyway. They had already set up the signs and were waiting for the cement to dry.”
When it became apparent that the subdivision would run short of appropriate terrorists the developers added tyrants like Joseph Stalin, Pol Pot and Augusto Pinochet.
“Imagine,” he mused, “living on a nice quiet, sapling-lined avenue named Gang of Four Lane or Hitler Court. What would one tell the kids?”
Despite the controversy over 300 fast food concerns have expressed interest in building outlets in and around the Trepidation tract. Knowing that memories are short and that working families no longer sit down for meals together the grease vultures figured to make a killing there.
A spokesman for the US Civil Liabilities Union announced plans to investigate the entire matter to determine if the civil rights of the terrorists had been violated.
Next time: For decades local farmers grew Molotov cocktails the size of bowling balls on the fertile crescent which has now been paved. – Kashmir Horseshoe
“Incompetence is its own reward.” – Special Envoy Brian Hook, who has had the Iranian Portfolio since 2018
EXPIRATION DATES DISCOVERED ON CONGRESSIONAL BOTTOMS
(Washington UPS) Summer interns, desperately filing abandoned bills and tabled legislation in Senate chambers, have uncovered what look to be tiny, barely discernible serial numbers on the bottoms of elected officials. The codes look to contain dates that might well warn of termination, conclusion or closure of some sort.
“Are they are not meant to operate after these dates,” asked one innocently dressed Congressional page. “Is there a safety issue at play here? A health risk?”
As our reader can certainly comprehend many of the pseudo-royalty that inhabit that hollowed workplace are scared to death that they will lose their cushy, benefit-laced jobs. These entitled insiders have bogged down the governing body so that it no longer governs, it just twitches at the polls and spits across the aisle every so often to see if anyone is paying attention.
Unlike the warning dates displayed on grocery items and cleaning products there were no refrigeration or storage instructions on the “overdue” politicians. The number and letter combinations are often scribbled illegibly (almost as an after thought) along the lower extremities, especially under the arms and on the bottoms of the feet. Other dates coincide with the money switch which accepts but doesn’t always record the fiscal benefits that go with the position and personal gifts acquired from admirers and favor seekers.
Some of the coded data even access coin slots that allow a supporter to make a discreet campaign contribution on the run. Others feature a digital date that shows up like a scratch lottery ticket.
“These designations clearly indicate that many Congressmen have overstayed their welcomes,” continued the intern, who shied away from giving his name for fear of reprisals against his family. “It’s no wonder nothing is accomplished. It’s like parking a fleet of old wrecks all over the highway and then wondering why the traffic is backed up.
For centuries lobbyists has attempted to distract from the data by pasting bright labels on otherwise dull packages. Another clever ploy borrowed from the detergent and cereal box marketers: “New” is often employed to mask the same old…same old that follows these “honorable” dinosaurs along to the bank and broker.
And the march of a fragile and teetering contingent of incumbents doesn’t end there. Take the Supreme Court for instance: Clarence “Uncle” Thomas weighs in at 74 years and Samuel Alito Jr., at 72 . Isn’t it high time these people call it quits?
“All members of the judicial and legislative bodies will be examined by medical and tattoo experts just as soon as we are finished running the Congress across the coals,” said Jerry Fuaaa, a former wannabe Representative, turned election saboteur, from the state of Bliss.
“It is not only difficult to find the expiration dates under the long black robes of pomp and circumstance but I tell you they’er there,” he said, raising his voice to be heard over a group of school trip children in Washington to observe the gov’ment in action.
“The allegedly indicting labels are sometimes difficult to decipher even within well-healed, well lit and well-intentioned assemblies. We have discovered a throng of what might be expiration dates adjacent to the imposed morality button, but is often blurred,” according to Fuaaa.
“Term limits have bitten on us the posterior,” said the Bliss boneyard candidate, “It’s like welfare for the undeserving, security for the already wealthy. He then wandered off into further gilded thought – referencing the Spanish Inquisition, even though most of the historically challenged representatives in The House thought that was the name of an insurance company.
-Tommy Middlefinger
“I don’t really want to do anything, I just want to own.”
– Gen. Worthington Bulbous, Military Industrial Complex
HOW TO CLEAN YOUR WOOD FLOORS WITH A DOG AND A CAN OF TENNIS BALLS
Keeping the dust down
If you’re like me you get oh so sick of sweeping, mopping, vacuuming your wood and tile floors only to realize you are simply moving the dirt around. Even if you manage to get it all there is tomorrow’s batch of new dirt and dust poised below your doors and drifting through your windows. At best all that we have achieved is a temporary reprieve from the grit.
Then I noticed my ace in the hole, my canine resource, my overachieving retriever of bouncing objects and saliva who was only too happy to help me complete my cleaning projects with next to no effort on my part. No broom, no dust pan, no bending, no discarding of that fine dust that inhabits these Rocky Mountains.
I had reasonable expectations, logical twinges, hopeful encouragement and a treat or two to sweeten the deal. It was so easy that it didn’t qualify as a bona fide solution but it worked. It was genuine enough, if not an accepted proper method of cleaning. I simply threw a tennis ball across the living room and watched my four-legged associate go to work.
If one is prone to sea sickness or victimized by a weak stomach the results of the first session may be tough to swallow. The tennis ball soon becomes a mass of dirt and debris from your floor*. The grime is held in place, if only for a moment by involuntary dog drool and other spital originating somewhere in the depth of secretion and glandular order.
*It works on wood, linoleum, tile, marble, concrete and yes even non-shag carpet
Since dogs, even corporate robot ones, don’t generally reach out it is the responsibility of the human to make the first move. In most episodes the dog’s reaction will come simultaneously to the first airborne tennis ball.
One helpful tip is to moisten ball before the first round. This allows the mutt oral comfort and keeps the mouth fuzz at a minimum. Then spend a little time tumbling the ball in your hands for even distribution of your scent so your pooch partner knows who is in charge. Trouble shooting, although it looks dandy on the table, is irrelevant since one will clearly see the relativity of success from the kickoff. Projections are worthless. Either the dog has the talent or he does not.
Always keep dishes of water handy, clear of furniture and breakables, limit distractions such as TV and strangers on the playing field. Food should not be an option unless it is in the form of tiny treats which will only set parameters and can be terminated as soon as the canine realizes the fun that can be had simply catching the ball. Seek a balance where everyone is happy and nothing is demolished.
If you’re planning to use an ankle biter to clean the dust off your floors make sure its mouth is large enough to manipulate a regulation tennis ball. A small mouth will never work due to low saliva production per square inch and the inability to snatch the ball out of the air and spit it back to the thrower.
Cooperation is everything. Could Rover or Fluffy make competent homemakers? Unlikely
Can they cook? Not very well. Other talents may emerge structured entirely by attention span
If you are set on employing multiple dogs for big work areas please read my essay on Multiple Canine Dusting, and be sure to pair up dogs that like each other.
And cats? Forget it. Not for work -for ambience, suave and cosmic flow. Just ask one.
With proper application you too can have a cleaner floor and a more meaningful relationship with man’s best friend.
Nascar Shelves Critical Race Theory
Nascar drivers will forgo comment on critical race theory until after the dust settles this fall. Top performers agree that theories and postulates are no substitute for high octane gasoline and an able-bodies pit crew. Fans, they fear would only be confused by new data at this time they say.
