Socialist candidate irons own shorts

(Crested Butte) When one is talking authentic grass roots lifestyles, it may be important. It may scream out that this candidate is the real thing in 21^st Century politics. He claims to live and die for the workingman, to be the sentinel perched in the little person’s corner. Supporters say he’s a pit bull when it comes to defending the rights of forgotten groups and the disenfranchised.

     Now they say he irons his own underwear.

     After months of campaigning, the 5^th District candidate for burgermeister Mario Hercules has come clean with reporters, telling them that he would never hire a fellow human to wash his clothes or clean his house, even if he were to be elected President.

     “I even have trouble letting other people drive me around on the bus or packing up my groceries,” he said.

     A vocal proponent of equal rights for all, Hercules supports a fledgling measure that would require all future candidates for town offices prove five-year residency before registering for any election.

     “We must stop this rampant student council/town council perception of town government,” he snapped. “What do new residents know of the issues facing us in northern Gunnison County?”

     Supporters admit that the shorts ironing rap is an attention getting albeit cheap campaign slogan but add that it’s true.

     “Can most members of the hard-pressed middle class afford to have their lawns mowed or their cars washed?

     “Mario has never taken advantage of the less fortunate, enslaving them in domestic duties,” said one starry-eyed party worker. “Why he even walks his own dog.”

      The worker was quick to remind voters that Hercules is focused on creating a more functional job market where everyone can thrive in a positive environment.

     “Critics that accuse him of anti-growth should chew on proposals calling for the nation’s first skier dome, the Bo Bowl and Casino and the completion of an expansion bridge to Irwin,” continued the campaign worker. “These are real jobs that pay real wages and don’t footnote reality by taking in laundry.”

     Hercules supports travel related industries such as food and lodging services, firewood sales and ski mountain personnel chores. Preaching a kinder socialism, one that is compatible with capitalism, he stands firmly in favor of government-subsidized lift tickets.

     “People are happier when they are skiing,” he smiled. “What better way to amalgamate a functional proletariat than by offering them healthy, affordable, green recreation so close to home? Let the bourgeois tourists pay full price!”

     Hercules is currently offering free rides on Elk Avenue (in his 1956 Chrysler New Yorker that he calls his “proletariat chariot”). He favors tax credits for people who ride bikes (rather than cars) around town and has promised to redistribute land to struggling marijuana farmers in the Snodgrass district.

     Local media have him leading the field by as much as 45% of the projected vote.

– Melvin Toole