Post Office Boxes Triple in Value

(Ouray) The appraised worth of the average post office box here has tripled in less than a year sending investors scurrying and leaving the average Joe more than a little confused.

     According to a filed assay computed over the past ten months, acquiring one of the unassuming little boxes has become a symbol of status to the Cadillac and caviar set. The correspondence receptacles, especially those with combination locks, have become quite desirable by the out-of-state elite driving the price up and making availability less and less. The published value has increased about three times faster than the appraisal listed on Victorians that litter the market here.

     “We have some months around here where there are more seekers than boxes,” said Lacy Tinkleholland, a postal spokesman here. “For years we couldn’t even give the things away and now the demand for them has exceeded our wildest dreams. It’s becoming obsessive with many of the box holders receiving a trickle of mail every week or so. If it weren’t for junk mail considerations we would repossess the boxes and reissue them to legitimate mail receivers.”

     Although plans are on the table to build 1000 new post office boxes construction costs are high and space is limited.

     “We can’t find suitable space that both allows easy year-round access and adheres to local covenants,” continued the source. “Our capacities are taxed beyond all tolerance. If this posture continues we will see the federal gov’ment stepping in and confiscating everyone’s mail.”

     Many people have taken to blaming what they call box pimps, people who encourage the transfer of postal boxes so as to earn a high commission on the transaction. Although quite legal these business arrangements have clearly driven up prices and left many a local out in the snow.

     “It’s bad enough that these newcomers insist on tying up all our boxes but now we’re dealing with zip code snobbery too,” added Tinkleholland who chronicled a stretch over the holidays where some 300 people applied for 81427 zip code access. “What’s wrong with 81432 or 81433? They are high altitude zips too. We’re far too busy handling mail to worry about these petty needs. Last week a part timer from Oklahoma became enraged when one of our people suggested she settle for 81423 or 81402!”

     It appears that post office boxes in Ouray will continue to shoot up in value with even the no-frills variety gobbled up as they hit the market. Some of the wealthier seekers have taken to hiring agents to hang out and watch the stock exchange/transaction board on a daily basis.

     Persons who have successfully sold post office boxes in other upscale communities are not the least bit put off by the spiraling prices that, like a demented corkscrew, have all but eliminated the working class as it jacks lives out of proportion in the name of elitism.

     Although downplayed in the lap-dog press, explosions and related sabotage believed to be the work of local anarchist groups, has become a daily ritual in such sleepy spots as Pea Green and Colona. Despite heightened security and  severe penalties for tampering these radicals appear intent on disrupting the services exploited by absentee owners and the downright squatters of venture landlordism.

     One longtime resident of Ouray says she doesn’t give a tinker’s damn about who holds postal boxes here.

     “What bothers me is all the older men standing around pretending to sort their mail when I bend over to open my box. Maybe I should apply for a larger, more private compartment that’s not so close to the floor,” she said. 

– Tommy Middlefinger

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