Author Archive for M. Toole
Bequeath your ski pass to the poor gaining steam.
(Ski Dallas) In what appears to be a softening toward the less privileged, many affluent skiers are giving away their annual downhill passes to the poor. The surprising behavior is peripherally linked to accusations that the sport has become the haunt of the wealthy, cutting out middle and lower income groups.
“An initial reluctance has morphed into a sort of snow white caring or so it appears,” said a spokesman for Colorado Ski Country.
“It’s quite trendy these days for liberals to talk about one’s generosity at cocktail parties and even on the lifts. Many of the enablers here are quite comfortable and can donate their passes only to purchase another without leaving their bubbles as the season goes on.”
The more conservative element on the slopes has been slower yet less verbal in their commitments to ski access although many in both groups expressed concerns with crowding especially on weekends near urban areas.
“We don’t mind helping out a few low-op people just so long as they follow the rules and the etiquette inherent in the sport,” said one retired skier who expected the daily pass rates to explode to make up for skyrocketing expenses at most major resorts.
Person wishing to participate in the fledgling exercise should apply at gimmealift.com. Lessons and ski rentals are not included.
-Fred Zeppelin
Deadline for hibernation permits draws near
(Bland Valley) Residents who wish to hibernate this winter have until Thursday to obtain official Colorado Hibernation Permits. The procedure is simple enough, as applicants must only stop by the nearest Division of Caves and Bunkers office to pick up the needed forms.
“We have begun to closely monitor hibernation since more and more people have expressed interest in this winter diversion,” said Melvin Bedwetter Toole, Director of Latent Dormancy for the Western Slope.
“This, combined with the population explosion here, has made cave space a premium and has threatened to disrupt the peace and quiet enjoyed for centuries by innocent fur-bearing animals.”
In addition to a small handling fee, persons wishing to enter this torpid state must also undergo a hibernation safety course, which is offered on Saturdays until January. The cost of the class is $125.
“In effect, this is an extended deadline,” smiled someone familiar with these kinds of things, “and we hope participants will be kind to our clerks when registering. We know you’re tired but getting testy with our people will only make matters worse.”
“Again with the Hunter Biden laptop! Give it a rest! You don’t hear anyone obsessing over the former president’s son’s laptop. And Eric’s got a good one — it’s made by Fisher-Price, and it can tell you what sound a cow makes.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Absenteeism No Longer Tolerated in Congress
(Washington) Chronic Congressional absenteeism may finally be undressed with bold new restrictions and guidelines expected to impact the way our elected officials do business.
Despite the fact that these often privileged elite received swollen pensions and amplified health insurance for life we have far too many of these clowns playing hooky. Where are they? Do their constituencies know what they do all day?
Starting in January all Congressmen absent without a legitimate excuse (very amicable at press time) will receive three whacks on the posterior with a hickory cane once thought to be the property of Andrew Jackson. Further malingering will result in senators and representatives forcibly inhabiting small rooms (cells) with the very people with which they disagree.
A third digression could result in deportation and a loss of all lucrative benefits granted to the nation’s “leaders”.
“Many of the more vocal mouthpieces are too busy grandstanding and spewing hate to show up for work,” said a veteran newsman who covers the governing body.
“If that was your average worker he would be fired and would have to start over without anything to fall back on,” he continued. “The rich make the rules.”
A new poll conducted by justiceforall.com strongly suggests a growing resentment within the electorate. Some 72% of Americans say the system is broken while another 20% favor a work/legislate program that has worked well in Latvia and Taiwan.
“Imagine a world without politicians,” he laughed.
-Fred Zeppelin
In Oregon voters approved a change to the state Constitution that will disqualify lawmakers from re-election if they have 10 unexcused absences from legislative sessions, The Associated Press reported. Republicans had in recent years walked out of the Legislature to prevent the Democratic majority from advancing key bills.
Dump Trump Not Ukraine
Meanwhile many Republicans are insisting we betray Ukraine due to the bottom line. These soulless zombies don’t deserve to be on the same planet with the exemplary Ukrainians.
The US screwed the Kurds, abandoned the Vietnamese, conducted a “war on drugs” that has resulted in millions of peasants living in urban poverty, kissed Saudi ass, created an even more volatile Somalia and continue to crucify Cuba. When will we show some integrity?
The Ukrainians are fighting our fight against totalitarianism. They re fighting for real freedom not just the word. This freedom is not the kind one finds plastered on idiot campaign signs. Most of the pampered politicians on both sides of the aisle would not know this.
It is blood and guts freedom. Willing to die freedom. If we abandon Ukraine we abandon faith, hope and future. These plastic, magic Christian GOP devils in our midst the will then inch that much closer to stealing our republic.
“Royals are Irrelevant – The King is a Bozo.” – Finn McCool
“The Royals are irrelevant.” – Yogi Berra, Hall-of-Fame baseball great.
World Scheduled to End Friday
(Hades-on-Hathaway) The world, which includes all known space and time, is slated to terminate itself sometime Friday afternoon according to seismologists and charlatan magicians living in tin and cardboard shacks up and down the Sugar Loaf.
Although life goes on, as of the middle of the week a growing number of humans have begun taking precautions such as buying lottery tickets, stockpiling groceries and putting the car in the garage. According to practicing sociologists, there has been a particularly strong run on luxury items and marriage proposals over the past month.
MORE ON THIS WHEN IT HAPPENS
East Colfax Added to Wolf Reintroduction Locales
Projected wolf reintroduction deployment regions include wilderness around Aspen, Gunnison, Montrose, Glenwood Springs and now East Colfax Avenue said a spokesperson for the Colorado Division of Wildlife this morning.
Early projections suggest the expansion is in response to voter behavior a few years back where Front Range residents voted to reintroduce wolves and the smaller population on the Western Slope voted against the plan.
“It’s all rather absurd when one considers that the wolves will be dropped on the westside,” said an architect of the East Colfax experiment.
DOW officials would not comment when asked if there were not packs of wolves already living west of the Continental Divide. Scientists say the animals have a far reaching orbit and that they will drift into New Mexico and Wyoming as well as the Beehive State (Utah).
“None appear to have maps or GPS and travel on instinct and because they can,” said one zoologist.
The reintroduction is part of a combined effort with a Colorado Department of Transportation strategy to release of thousands of skunks on Highway 550 before spring. 
“The presence of so many skunks should cut down on the traffic,” said an asphalt bureaucrat digesting a work order on his computer in Denver. “It’s cheaper than bringing the highway up to modern standards.
The artery, often called I-550 by commuters, has become quite dangerous even without considering weather and migrating animals. CDOT has built more than 60 miles of guardrails from south from Montrose. Are they meant to be a preventative or simply quick clean up? No one knows.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Trump Not Elvis says DNA Test
(Mar-de-Lardo) Final DNA tests, denied as fake news by remaining insiders, prove that Donald Trump is not now and has never been Elvis Presley. Although the ex-President never made clear claims that he was Elvis, family members admitted that he had embraced the fantasy for decades.
“When Uncle Donald took a trip to Tupelo, Mississippi as part of a Ku Kux Klan camp in 1959 he imagined himself to be Presley,” said a distant cousin who has written a book on Trump.
“He saw that Elvis was the center of attention and therefore concluded that he must be the hip-swaying singer. It was all too clear to him.”
The recent DNA tests show no biological or ancestral link between Trump and Presley although hair styles maintain a slight resemblance. Even though Elvis sang an occasional gospel tune and Trump quoted the Christian Bible when it suited him, the study found both men to be “low spirited and agnostic.”
“They both adhered to religion only when it propped up their bank accounts,” added the cousin. “Their frightened followers ate it up.”
With this final appraisal the Presley estate now plans to file a lawsuit claiming copyright infringement and brand violation on the part of the defamed politician.
Supporters abandoning Trump say the Elvis fraud is far more serious than tax evasion and inciting a riot, two charges lingering in the Trump bubble. Some 88% says they would still vote for Trump/Elvis if he runs in 2024.
– Gabby Haze
