Pentagon to Release Cartoon Show

(Arlington, VA) What ever happened to the refined violence common to Sylvester the Cat and Tweety Pie? Wasn’t the punch of Mighty Mouse enough to inspire primitive instincts in children? Apparently not.

     This morning the Pentagon has announced the completion of its first cartoon pilot entitled Bazooka Joe and Friends. It will air this weekend.

     The cartoon, which features military tactics that would impress the likes of Napoleon, is the brainchild of General Worthington Bulbous, the 300-pound war horse/animator who has given himself so many battlefield commendations (right there from his desk drawer) that he can barely stand. He even wears the medals to bed. Aides say its’ the shear weight of his accomplishments, and not the Old Forester from the night before, that causes him to be so difficult in the morning. Either way…

     The cartoon cast, all of them volunteers, reside in the endless system of Pentagon tunnels (even more than the Idarado) attempting to evade the alien oil creatures from the planet Opaque, who seek to pacify them. If the story line isn’t original the level of violence certainly is, leading to concerns on the part of parents and teachers that the show is destructive.

     “Bazooka Joe sends the wrong message to our kids,” said Patsy Paste-Smith, a principal at Lee Harvey Oswald Junior High, in suburban Virginia. These cartoons are far too life-like and far to itchy to pull the nuclear trigger.”

     Sources at the Pentagon defend the program in that it may work well as a recruiting tool and gives the military a safe place to test weaponry.

     “Bazooka Joe is the perfect recruiter,” said Bulbous. “Just watch his tear-jerking plea convincing the other cartoons to get up and fight! We want to educate the kids as to the advantages of war while they’re still young enough to enjoy it in its purist form. Explosions, dematerializing and capitulation to fire power are part of their sacred legacy here in these United States,” said the general.

     A stunning cameo by Uncle Scam himself will highlight the first episode while the inventive neutron bomb ring and decoder will be featured by the third episode.

     All profits from the broadcast will be used to paint the Pentagon camouflage as a defense against the imagined incursions of guerrillas operating out of the Zoological Gardens across the Potomac. 

-Suzie Compost

“They were, all of them, lost to a narrative untethered to anything (I) recognized as true. Their mad conception of Mr. Lincoln as some kind of cloven hoofed devil’s scion, their complete disregard–denial– of the humanity of the enslaved, their fabulous notions of what evils the Federal government intended for them should their cause fail. All of it was engrained so deep, beyond the reach of reasonable dialogue or evidence. Most, too poor to afford slaves themeselves, fight a war to secure the wealth of the rich.”*

– Union surgeon after repeated failures to engage Confederate patients in dialogue, 1863. In Horse by Geraldine Brooks

*Little has changed to this day: Racism, ignorance and Trump fueld now by television. 

Filed Under: Hard News


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