Author Archive for M. Toole
Bronco defense requests trade
(The following was penned after the Rams debacle and before a coaching change and a decent performance against the Chiefs).
(Dove Valley) The much beleaguered Denver Bronco defense has requested a trade. The unprecedented petition, delivered en masse Wednesday, did not spell out how the players might be distributed or when the coveted transaction might take place.
Despite a ranking of 5th in team defense, the squad has reportedly grown tired of sharing the sidelines with an offense that rarely moves the ball.
A muffled voice from the Bronco front office suggested that nothing would happen until the end of the current season in January.
“It’s like the offense out there on the field,” he said. “Nothing happens. We ran the ball effectively against Arizona then opened up with passes against the Rams. Who pray tell is writing the script here?”
At present league officials and the players’ union are engaged in tense discussions with one eye on their pocketbooks and the other one on their pocketbooks.
– Syd Fardt
DATA BACKS HOPE OF NIGHTLIFE ON MARS
(Cahone) Initial data sent back to earth from Mars Pathfinder indicates that a nightlife exists on the Red Planet. Martian rover craft, scurrying about the surface, revealed multicolored rocks, craters and other geological features that are much like those in places like Las Vegas, Rio de Janeiro and Bahrain. Weathered ruins of what appear to be neon signs dot the landscape leading scientists to believe that nightclubs once loomed.
One such spot, dubbed Barnacle Bills’ by NASA sources, could have been the kissing cousin of such modern shrines as the Hard Rock Cafe or Señor Frog’s. Gray rock formations, discovered in the shadow of a region dubbed “Twin Peaks”, may well have been the amphitheaters of days gone by. Long whitish stone outcroppings may have been bars, the carefully placed black boulders busy waitron stations.
“The lounges, clearly visible in most of the pictures, suggest that the Martians of past centuries liked to kick up their heels,” said one geologist on the Mars team. “Imagine a landscape that closely resembles Northwest New Mexico or Eastern Colorado. Doesn’t it stand to reason that living in a forsaken spot such as this would create the need to go dancing on the weekends?”
The majority of scientists studying Pathfinder’s contributions feel that Mars had a watery past.
“Scotch and water is not all that far fetched,” said another researcher. “Rocks are scattered around just like the meteor craters in Arizona. We think they functioned as metamorphic bar stools.”
One NASA secret document continually makes reference to a simulated Martian landscape called “the Sandbox”. A spokesman for the aerospace engineers would not comment directly on what this indicates, nor would she respond to questions having to do with prehistoric light shows, go-go cages, happy hours or how a bottle of Polish vodka appeared on Pathfinder when the sun went down.
– Rocky Flats
Pele Passes
Pele, Edson Arantes do Nascimento, one of the greatest athletes to ever lace up his spikes died yesterday in Brasil. His feats on the field and his presence off the field were first-class at every turn. He was 82.
Skates banned from Winter Olympics
(Flagstaff) Competition skates, ones with razor sharp edges for traction and durability, have been banned from future Winter Olympics competition, it was announced today. The potential weapons will be confiscated on-site and at border crossings all over the civilized world.
“If any skater attempts to smuggle skates into the state he/she will be prosecuted under one of our new terrorist acts,” said what appeared to be a rattled bureaucrat from down the hall. “We don’t feel the need to banish items like skis, due to size, or hockey sticks. It’s the skates that we’re concerned about.”
Just last night federal agents arrested three Eastern European skaters who looked suspicious.
“They seemed a bit too nervous when we frisked them and sent carry-ons back through the X-ray machine over and over again,” said one agent. “Then when we asked them to provide further proof of identity they really acted guilty.”
None of the three arrested could speak English but then again, neither could most of the security personnel on the scene.
It is hoped that the skaters will be released before the snow melts.
In a related piece air units attached to the War on Drugs accidentally attacked ground troops operating within the War on Terrorism. Fortunately War on Poverty bombers missed their targets and there were no reported injuries.
COLORADO SKI AREAS EYE AFGHANISTAN
(Kabul) It has mountains and lots of snow. It has an employment pool in place that is used to working for nothing. It offers better housing options than Telluride or Crested Butte. It’s close to European ski population and to evolving markets in Asia. It’s Afghanistan.
Already several ski interests have invested an initial sum of money for an marketing survey and ad campaign under the hype umbrella of “Afghanistan…Where you’ve always wanted to ski!”
According to executives at Vail the terrain, although bleak, cries out for development. Treeless slopes are prime for lifts and runs while now idle militants could be pressed into service as members of the ski patrol.
“Talk about extreme,” said Melvin Toole, of Crested Butte. “Many of us never thought the sport would go over in Utah but good snow proved us wrong. We might not even have to make snow.”
Toole pointed to the existence of one airport in Kabul and the possibility of transforming air bases into mini airports specifically designed to handle large groups.
“Sure, we’ll pump millions into lifts and maintenance but think of the profits from condo sales,” cried Toole. “We’ve already started excavation near Mazur-i-Sharif in the north and down south at Kyber Pass. Several ski resorts in the Hindu Kush could be easily served from Kabul.”
Toole told reporters that already many merchants have expressed interest in getting in on the ground floor.
“You never know how much highgrade heroin can end up in your pie can after a shift,” winked one government source.
“Remember what a dump Steamboat Springs used to be before the ski area opened?” he chided. “Remember Aspen in the age of coal?”
Colorado Ski Country hopes to gain the blessing of leading mullahs in Afghanistan by offering them complimentary season passes and one-on-one instruction.
“This country is perfect for skiing,” added Toole. “Turbans are warm, burkas cut the wind on the face and those cute little papooshes make great telemark boots.”
-Tommy Middlefinger
Christmas Planned Again for 2023
(New York) With the final approval of federal and state funding, it appears that consumers will be thrilled with the holiday season again next year. As recently as one week ago, with the private sector dragging knuckles on promises to match the assets accrued from a system of floating bonds, things looked bleak.
“It’s not about money,” he smiled.
Supporters of Christmas have been accused of using ancient guilt techniques and playing into fears of impending social disorder in the attempt to raise consciousness and, in turn, money toward the goal. They say that since the holiday has been around so long, it would only follow that it should be preserved both from a religious and a secular approach.
“Without the continued assistance of our state and federal bureaucracies, Christmas would be relegated to the status of say, Halloween or Valentine’s Day,” said Ira Elfin, founder and treasurer of Christmas ‘23. “We fully realize that these holidays are important but that economically speaking Christmas consistently kicks butt.”
Elfin explained that the holiday season was not about money yet year after year more money is circulated during the holiday season than on all the other holidays combined.
“Yes, flowers and candy generate substantial dollars, but that figure,” he smiled, “does not even come close to the money spent on worthless junk during the Yuletide. In addition, people will go without fireworks or cranberry sauce but then Christmas rolls around and the same people adopt an oh what the hell attitude and spend money they may not have. They even buy presents for relatives that they don’t like.”
Elfin thanked the credit card companies, the elevator Christmas carol pushers, the tree industry, the makers of an assortment of pine sprays, the weather, the replacement Christmas light bulb concerns, Charles Schultz, the wrapping paper giants, the clever card writers union, Bing Crosby and Belle Elfin, his wife of 133 years, for his recent ascension to greatness in the field of Christmas marketing concepts.
“It’s not about money,” he stressed.
Although the funds needed to pull off Christmas next year has not been estimated , conjecture has it that it is a whole lot more than was needed for Christmas 2022.
“It’s just more expensive to pull off than it was back in the Fifties,” harped Elfin. “Why, insurance on Santa’s sleigh, reindeer rights, elf unions and the type of presents coveted by little kids put the fiscal motion of the celebration into outer space. Do people really think that just because Christmas is sacred that it can side-step reality? It’s a business, son. Nothing more and nothing less, at least from our perspective,” he frowned.
Elfin added that Christmas ’23 would kick off on or about Thanksgiving Weekend and run through December, culminating on December 25, with the following week dedicated to getting over the entire experience in time for a New Year’s celebration.
“We hope to hold New Year’s on January 1 again so as to be in compliance with all the calendars printed in August,” he said.
– Al Kahall
