Author Archive for M. Toole

Vagrant Strike Brings Denver Area To Its Knees

The Denver metro area is faltering in the second week of a strike called by vagrants and panhandlers. Busy intersections throughout the city are besieged by derelicts holding signs saying such things as “panhandler on strike,” “will not work for food,” or Viet vet now housed, please don’t help out.” Denver leaders have called the strike “the worst crisis for this city since Arenado left.” 

Both Denver and Bpulder are reeling with concerns that the strike will expand to include the entire Confront Range before spring.

Boulder mayor Antonne Sockette called the begging stoppage “devastating to the Pearl Street Mall and the biggest threat to the diverse fabric of our community since the demise of Tom’s Tavern.”

Liquor stores and bars in the underbelly metro area are particularly hard hit and are requesting federal disaster funding.

Spokesmen for the striking vagrants explain the strike was called by local 22565 of the Amalgamated Vagrants International Union after panhandlers became disgusted with the meager amount of handouts being collected in the Denver area. Said one panhandler, “I can stand all afternoon at a busy interchange and only collect $50. Hell, for that kind of money I would be just as well off working.” 

Another vagrant explained, “It’s no picnic standing out in all types of weather holding that stupid sign. People obviously don’t appreciate the lengths we go to to make them feel better.”

Meanwhile federal arbitrators are negotiating with commuter representatives in an effort to avoid the regimen of mandatory handouts for beggars demanded by the union With no settlement on the horizon its looking like a long, hot autumn in Denver.

Chiva ride from Jardin to Rio Sucio, Antioquia, Colombia

Three hour trip takes the traveler into the high country of the Andes. It is spectacular and is the only road south from the town of Jardin.

Three friends enjoying the sun on the plaza in Jardin, Colombia

Colombia’s most beautiful plaza welcomes a sunny day in February

Zombie infrastructure in deplorable condition once again

(Denver) Authorities posing as consultants to the state’s growing zombie population confirmed today that scanty infrastructure ceded to that robotic sect was clearly in ruins.

Despite sparkling new amenities, exhumed last November, little is still functioning. What’s most unsettling is that the zombies, or undead corporeal revenants as they are defined, don’t appear to give a tinker’s damn. Advocates, themselves a shrinking group, agree that the half dead have always been less than attentive and often destructive when it comes to maintenance and application of basic necessities.

“They are motivated by one thing and one thing only,” said Paula Parvenu, a sociologist who ran out of other crusades in 2010. “Whatever that may be, they cannot be expected to act as legitimate and responsible beings.”

Others insist the zombies have had it too good.*

“They get everything and pay for nothing,” according to a former zombie litigator, “while others work for their fare. People here have had quite enough of this pampering. I myself can barely stand the sight of them.”

“Give a zombie a fish and he’ll stare at it,” added one self-proclaimed friend of the zombies from Adams County. “Give a zombie a fishing pole and he will stare at it,” he stressed.

A spokesperson for the living dead had no comment when asked to elaborate on undercurrents within the mythical group. She simply wandered off, muttering banal chiches, and following a likeminded procession of hellish proportions.

This is not a seasonal problem.– The government gave them new roads and bridges, new zombie outfits, zombie furniture, even tickets to Rockies-Dodgers games but it’s as if they are asleep, stupid, distracted or just don’t care.”

“They have another agenda,” said Parvenu, “and often keep to the woods, swimming streams wandering in large threatening packs. So why do we keep laying our morals on the poor beggars? I say leave them along, but keep a pitchfork handy just in case.”

While more and more people are acquiescing and jumping onto the zombie bandwagon a handful of the creepy sleepwalkers say they have been misunderstood for centuries. They say the majority of their number are responsible and lead normal lives within an oppressive society. They contend that sabotage by humans rather than laxness on the part of zombies is to blame for the destruction and loss of face.

“I’m a zombie and I vote,” quacked one.

If you are a zombie, or think you might be,  talk to your contemporaries. Be aware that many Coloradoans are tired of bailing you out. The chips are down and pitchfork sales are up.

*In addition to basic roads and bridges as well as reliable transportation and free energy, all of their zombie accessories, zombie toiletries and counseling services have been provided for them. State Democrats favor continuing this welfare while Republicans favor shooting them or deporting them to other Blue States.

– Suzie Compost

Culinary college resents feeder designation

(Crested Butte) Lawrence of Oregano Culinary Academy has filed a domestic libel suit claiming misrepresentation and reckless endangerment on the part of POX News and a bevy of subsidiaries. 

The academy, named for a popular restaurant located here in the early 70s, says the use of the term feeder is inappropriate and damaging to “a business image that has been evolving off the grid for over a decade.

“These talking Freds have referred to our school as a feeder institution for too long,” said head chef Susanne “Sous” Fry, recognized as the innovator of vertical food architecture, among a throng of other accolades.

“These hacks eat out of can. They wouldn’t last a lunch shift in the real world,” added Fry. “They’d burn the biscuits. They’d foul the flambe. They’d misspell the roux.”

She went on to question just exactly how or what her restaurant was feeding in that the college has been ranked in the top three foodie domains since its inception.

“Our students have already arrived, unlike the phonies at POX,” she said.

Attorneys for the academy expressed hope that the matter would be settled out of a quart rather than further bog down the ongoing county legal process.

“It’s a hot potato here, a real pressure cooker, especially at the height of ski season,” said Adolf Cromwell, of Parlin’s Cromwell, Calvin and Quisling group, currently representing the academy. 

“We are not looking for a pound of flesh, said Crowell. ”We seek a simple retraction and legal fees. We see no sense in egging anyone on.”

–Kashmir Horseshoe

Nyuk, Whoop, Hey Moe recognized by Websters

Standards created by the Three Stooges Nyuk Nyuck Nyuck, Whoop-whoop-whoop, and Hey Moe, Hey Moe have been accepted by Webster. Nyuck…Nyuck…Nyuck was recognized as a viable breath of Americana while Whoop-whoop-whoop had to be reclassified as colloquial to qualify for the ranking. Hey Moe…Hey Moe, the only honor bestowed on what are are actually words and not just sounds made the cut to the surprise of the grammar gods. Barking in various modes as well as the famous shuffle made popular by Curly could not be classified as verbs or nouns and were thus discarded. Some sort of muddled or frenzied reception is planned for an undisclosed location.

Toole slapped with franchise tag

(Eldridge, CO) Long-winded scribe, Melvin Toole, has been slapped with a franchise tag here according to a testament released this morning. The statement, peppered with scant, illusive data and mumbled information said only that the tag was a surprise.

“It was just a flesh wound,” chided the 112-year-old who refuses to retire, or change his underwear regularly.

“It didn’t hurt but what should I do now,” he plead.

The recipient, speaking from the shaded deck at First Light Liquors here had no further comment and did not field questions.

Toole is the author of more than 200 books on the inner ear.

“He is the kind of person that slices his burger in half before he eats it.” said one close friend. “These little side trips without at least basic micro-dosing often cause a lot of chaos, even some violent episodes. In one case it required 4 large men to subdue the 117-pound Toole and that’s before he started hitting the weight room  twice a day