Author Archive for M. Toole

Americans Spend Too Much Time on Throne Says Pence

(Seattle) Former Vice President Mike Pence today insisted that Americans spend too many hours in the bathroom. This latest statement was an apparent attempt to clarify accusations made Friday that his countrymen are not fully behind the GOP in the areas of foreign policy, the economy and personal hygiene.

“Imagine 250,000,000 people idling away the morning,” he lashed out, “when they could be out fighting the War on Terror and volunteering for the invasion of North Korea or maybe France! It’s disappointing.”

Pence, who has never experienced a bowl movement,  was in town to oversee the sale of some 40,000 Boeing F-17 porta-johns to Poland in return for future draft choices and an undisclosed amount of cash.

When confronted regarding a rat in the cornmeal, Pence denied that the move reeked of corporate welfare even though the United States loaned Poland the money to buy the porta-potties in the first place.

“Our NATO ally, Poland needs this technology to defend its sovereign borders from the Red Menace to the east,” he barked.

In a related development, the United States government announced the closing of yet another embassy, this time in Wyoming, due to anti-US demonstrations raging there.

“Once one of these rogue nations closes our embassy we simply put them on a list,” said Pence. “Once you get on the list it’s almost impossible to get off, especially if you’re a foreigner . Then,” he continued, “if you stay on the list we hook you up with one of our axis of evil clusters and you get bombed.”

Pence refused comment when asked how this policy would be applied to rogue nations who already possess nuclear weapons. 

     “I’ve got other fish to fry on the matter of national security,” he concluded.     

– Rufus Maxwell     

I take good care of myself generally, but maybe I shouldn’t have gotten a nipple ring installed in the parking lot of the Medellin bus station…But hey, the guy was wearing a Calvin Klein t-shirt.”   

                                     – Melvin Toole on the high road to Bolombolo, Colombia February, 2023

DOW Out of Fish

“Could have happend to anyone,” 

(Golden) The Colorado Division of Wildlife has admitted this morning that the agency is fresh out of fish. The shortage, which includes all varieties of trout, salmon, perch, bass and northern pike, is reportedly the result of a failure to reorder a sufficient supply to last through the winter months.

     “There are no rainbow, native, brown or cutthroat,” said a DOW release, “ and the next fish delivery day isn’t until next March.”

     Normally around 2500 fish are kept in reserve and, as ponds and steams are stocked, the supply is adjusted and sent to the areas most in need. Fish counters expressed surprise at the news since they say there were plenty of cold-blooded clients as recently as December.

     “We do have some nice catfish today,” smiled Herb Ditchwater, a recognized fish head for the agency. Tomorrow we are sending a crack fly team over the frontier into Wyoming to secure enough fish to last for the week.”

     Summer is the busiest time for fish and fishermen and DOW sources say that with the economic times more people are fishing to eat and not just fishing for sport. They add that license violations are way up since June. Fishermen have been complaining of chronic bad luck syndrome since early May, which is said to have prompted the embarrassing DOW admission.

     This is the first documented client/ward shortage since 1989 when the same agency had run out of elk. As I turned out, rogue agents had lost many of the animals in a poker game with the Department of Energy. Others, it was said, had been in New Mexico for a long weekend which negatively affected the statistics.

     “I don’t want to cast doubts here. This is nothing,” said Ditchwater. “We all realize that it is far easier to catch a mess of trout than a mess of elk. We’ll have everything back to normal before long,” he promised from his desk at a secret trout farm in Jefferson County.

– Rocky Flats

Child-Proof Condoms Approved by Feds

     Doctors at St Roscoe’s Community Clinic say that a host of federal agencies have given final approval to a new breed of child-proof condoms that are set for release this week. The breakthrough product is expected to revolutionize irresponsible sex and could be a major bone of contention with population peacocks and reproduction power brokers.

     The OK came despite the rantings of consumer groups which say the condoms are still often too difficult to negotiate in the dark. One proponent of the commodity praised “the progressive nature of these developments” adding that it was about time we did something to protect our children from potentially dangerous technology.

     The safer condoms are expected to be available in drugstores and groceries soon. They will be packaged in discreet brown paper so as to not cause suspicion. Buyers should expect to show appropriate identification upon purchase.

My Night on Camp Bird Road

by Ima Bear

     It was a dark and stormy night or maybe it was the perfect summer evening. I really don’t remember. All I know is that I was hungry, that being redundant since I am a healthy, five-year-old, 300 pound black bear. The heavy rains have netted lots of berries but how many berries does it take to fill the stomach of a bear as big as me? Every so often I need something more substantial, something that sticks to the ribs, as they say.

     Wait, there’s a cabin at the end of this lane and no light on. I wonder if anyone’s home? I wonder if the door is locked? It doesn’t matter since I am a bear and doors mean very little, even though we  bruins know full well how to open them. Maybe I should break through a window and check out the provisions. It could be trouble but no one’s around and I am big and hairy.

     I approach from the wooded side of the cabin and get up on my hind legs to have a sniff around. Boy, someone should firm up this porch. It barely holds my weight. I peek into the kitchen and notice that the furniture looks rough. The couch looks like second-hand but I don’t plan to take a nap. I plan to eat! These humans could really use a decorator.

     If I exert just the right amount of pressure on the glass it will give in. A light push…There…with a little crash I’m inside.

     Now to the important part without further delay. I wonder what kind of grub these absent humans have stashed in the cupboards. The fools always leave something around in case of a big snow. Dispensing with formalities I tear off the cupboard door. Cheerios! I love Cheerios. The only thing better than cheerios is Sugar Crisps. They always have a bear cub on the front of the package. 

     Now where have they hidden the honey? These kind of humans always have honey around in one of those plastic bear jars for some reason that escapes me. They should have plastic bee jars. The jars are always real sticky and it’s hard to get the lid off without any thumbs on my paw. Here it is in a small cereal bowl. Real easy to eat. Now I have a feast and there are some grapes in the refrigerator too. I think I’ll go back out on the porch and chow down. Ahhhhh….

     Moments after eating I hear a rustling in the bushes. What? It’s one of those humans with a cooking pot and spoon in her hand. Now she’s banging the pot with the spoon. What’s she trying to do? Wake up the whole neighborhood? If she thinks I’m going to run off because she’s banging around, she’s nuts.

     Now she’s staring at me. Doesn’t she know how dangerous it can be to make eye contact with a bear. And why isn’t she wearing bells? Didn’t she read the little books that the rangers give out at the cute little campsites?

     I stand and give her my best growl. Usually this works. Now she’s gone into the house. Maybe there are a few more boxes of cereal inside. I crawl back through the broken window taking care not to scrape myself on the jagged glass. Look, there’s cans of soup but no opener. There’re marshmallows. And what’s this? Coffee? Bears don’t usually like to eat coffee but we eat garbage. I’ll try anything once. Now I hear the human upstairs on the phone talking about me. She’s telling someone on the other end of the line that there is a bear in her kitchen.

     In a mater of moments a mob of these funny creatures is at the gate. One has a gun. They all look mad. I hope he’s not stupid enough to fire that thing near the house. Someone could get shot. Apparently he does not realize how dangerous firearms can be in the hands of a human. Now he’s aiming the gun in my direction. He lifts it and fires into the air. I charge without hesitation. I’m a bear, you know.

     Despite their sophisticated technology the humans scatter. The bluff worked. I knew they weren’t really a threat. I quickly scamper across the yard and into the black timber and up the hill to safety. I’ll have to go back another night to finish the rest of the groceries. It’s nice to know they are there.

     That was fun.

RIDGWAY NOTES

compiled by Uncle Pahgre

River Road Named to Who’s Who

     The 12-mile stretch known to locos as the River Road was named to The Who’s Who of Dirt Roads last night in Los Angeles. The honor, a rare accolade for roads outside the Hollywood realm, comes with a trophy and a small cash allowance.

     “Generally we see by-ways such as Penny Lane and Thunder Road walking away with the prizes,” said Dusty Washboarder, coordinator of the ceremony. “We’re happy to have the more remote roads included too. It makes for a more valid recognition.”

     A celebration to honor the River Road will be held at Black Lake on September 31. Ignore the private property signs and park wherever you like. For a detailed map check this week’s Brawl-Mart brochure. No hogs or glass cans please. 

Piggly Wiggly Eyeballs Ridgway

     A representative for the supermarket giant, Piggly Wiggly, was in town yesterday checking out potential sites for a new store. Inside sources say the spot is somewhere between Catastrophe Realty and Tail Town. Despite the fact that a supermarket already exists in the town, and the fact that residents there fought off a similar scheme by City Market five years ago, the Piggly Wiggly folks seem intent on going forward.

     “If they come in we boycott,” said Melvin Toolini, a former skeleton cleaner and veteran of the Abyssinian Campaign. “We don’t buy so much as a can of beans. This is where we draw the line or we’ll have every damn chain known to man breathing down our shorts.”

     Toolini went on to plead that residents support the existing store and refrain from doing business with chains like Piggly Wiggly, which carries with it a questionable human rights record and uses inferior shopping cart technologies.

     Plans to assassinate principles at the corporate level where tabled until further information becomes available.

TOWN TO SPRAY FOR BUDDING COUNCILMEN

     Voters in Ridgway have voted 5-1 to allow spraying for a sudden plague of budding town councilmen (buttus controlus burdockus), a dangerous weed which threatens to consume the traditional ecosystem in field and pasture here. The thistle-like plant is defined as a plant that is troublesome and worthless in the place where it is growing. Budding town councilmen can be identified due to its desire to dominate the public arena despite the fact that it has just arrived in the neighborhood. It is often irrational and transient in nature.

     “The perennials did not relocate here to assimilate with other plants,” said Estelle Marmotbreath an award-winning wattle orchid grower from Miller Mesa. “They come here and bring all their big city pollen counts with them. They think they are here to save us, but we don’t need to be fertilized. They want to do things the way they did them back in their last pasture, which if memory serves me, now lies fallow due to poor farming practices. We never had this problem when the weather was colder.”

     The systematic eradication will begin as early as healthy town leaders can be properly covered. Next week voters will again head to the polls expected to ratify a proposed ordinance that prohibits budding town councilpersons from running for public office until they have resided in the community for at least one year.

*******************

To bellhop after the fact…lessons in sensibility

First: Never ever forget the name of a beautiful woman.

Second: Never forget the name of a beautiful woman.

Third: All women are beautiful.

-Melvin B. Toole, Barrio Laureles , Medellin Colombia, December 30, 2022

SILVER CAMP NOTES

“Death went a prospecting

And he was no fool.

Here he struck Faithful Pete

The emigrant mule.”

– grave marker outside Ohio City, 1893

Alpine Tunnel Crews Wreck Pitkin

(Pitkin –1880) Steam-blowing railroad workers destroyed most of downtown Pitkin last night during a weekly Saturday night riot Brought on by lots of alcohol and little to do according to the local magistrate the disturbance caused broken windows, shattered street lamps and a fire at the local livery stables.

For years a love-hate relationship between the railroad workers, engaged in the construction of the Alpine Tunnel, and the town’s 1200 residents, has festered. Merchants in the town appreciate the workers’ silver but resent the noise and occasional violence. The workers, who camp at Alpine all week, look forward to sojourns into Pitkin, a town which boasts saloons, a bank and live women.

According to The Pitkin Independent “We predict that the population of our town will double by next year thanks to the excellent grade of ore from mines like Tycoon, Terrible and Little Addie Addie. In 1882 when the Denver and South Park Railroad reaches us we can expect continued growth. Just look at Quartz,” it continued. “Only months ago it was no more than placer claims and tin shacks near the summit of Cumberland Pass, and now it has a smelter and now there’s more gold dust than elk scat!”

The paper then challenged residents to put an end to the rabble rousing and turn from a mining camp to a fine city, one which might rival other booms towns like Lake City and Eureka in the San Juans, even Leadville.

Masterson Hired by Silverton Council

(Silverton — 1879) In an attempt to keep the lid on notorious Blair Street the Silverton Town Council has hired Bat Masterson as sheriff. The drastic action comes on the heels of an increase in murders and shootings, often resulting from claim jumping and gambling arguments. Blair Street is said to attract some of the top gamblers and prostitutes in the West. It is feared that this unsavory element will control the town.

“We’re pulling more silver out of these mines than anyone could have imagined prior to the Brunot Treaty,” said one leading citizen whose strike up Arrastra Gulch made him rich overnight. “Why should we let these low-lifes jeopardize our future successes? The troupes of preachers and soulful crusaders have had little affect. We’ve got 5 churches and 40 saloons. It’s time the community came together, some of them with their boots on if necessary.

Critics of the move say that despite his savvy, Masterson and his deputies may not want to see the demise of Blair Street. 

“These peace officer have far more in common with the ruffians on Blair Street than they do with any legitimate social activity. I’ve seen them cruising the gaming dens and parlor houses on Saturday nights, but I’ve never seen them in church on Sunday.”

GRANT VISITS GOTHIC

Special from The Gothic Bonanza

(Gothic–1880) After weeks of sipping his way across Colorado General Grant arrived in Gothic tonight much to the delight of residents here. Gothic, settled primarily by former Unionists and war veterans, pulled out all the stops in an effort to outdo other boom camps such as Crested Butte and Irwin, who hosted the former President over the last weekend.

A great parade escorted the general into town and he gave a short speech from atop the local barber shop, paying his respects to the more righteous element of the town, then disappearing with local rowdies to sample the region’s poteen. 

During his stay he attended several horse races and witnessed a series of terrible snow slides. Before leaving he settled several political disputes and visited the town’s largest sawmill.

Grant served two terms as President from 1879-1877 and due to alleged scandals and fraud within his administration he was not given the nomination in 1876. Republicans, concerned with accusations by the Democrats chose Rutherford B Hayes, who some said was “the most honest man they could find”.

The famous guest was accompanied to Gothic by William T Sherman, former general and Secretary of War and Zachariah Chandler, former Interior Secretary.

Earlier this month Grant visited Schofield, just south of Sonofabitch Basin, where he reportedly rode into town on a white mule accompanied by ex-Colorado governor John Long Routt. The townspeople were so exited that they rolled out a barrel of their best whiskey.* One eccentric resident, Old Lady Jack, presented the general with a freshly washed cat.

*Editor’s note: The order of historical events has never been clarified here. Did Grant first rode the white mule or first sample the whiskey? The answer is buried with the town’s mediocre ores. 

Mineralist Population on Rise in State

(Crested Butte) They are people who eat only minerals. They are often wide-eyed purists, discarding animal flesh, dairy foods, fruits and vegetables in favor of carbon, copper, marble, sulfer, platinum, and/or coal with a side of Malachite or Rhodonite. Although Spartan, the diet is inexpensive, easily attainable and low in cholesterol.

“The fat content is nil but mineralists have given up flavor and simple digestion, at least at first,” said a prominent Ouray geologist who has written several papers on the sub-culture. “Fortunately, these confused souls are allowed water and maybe a little mercury on the weekends.”

Except for these two liquids all other minerals are solids in their natural state. Due to their homogeneous nature every part of the mineral is like every other part.

“There’s not a lot of variety at the dinner table,” adds the local rock source.

The mineralists started showing up in Colorado back in the Fifties during the last mining boom. At first there were conflicts with miners who did not appreciate these hungry, often longhaired flatlanders eating up the profits. Then, realizing that these newcomers could never make a dent in the mineral supply, the mining companies allowed them to settle here. The miners stopped burning out the mineralists and the mineralists agreed not to eat gold and silver.

“Nothing reminds me of the old days like one of these beggars ascending from the shaft at the Big Mine with a mouth full of Anthracite coal,” said the late Whitey Sporcich, whose family once owned all the coal, water and sagebrush in Gunnison County.”

– Paula Parvenue

Words of a true revolutionary

“I have myself been called a madman, because I was acting in a way that was not pleasing to England. The longer I live, the more I come to believe that Irishmen will have to go a little mad my way before they go the right way to get any freedom for Ireland.

And why shouldn’t an Irishman be mad; when he grows up face to face with the plunderers of his land and race, and sees them looking down upon him as if he were a mere thing of loathing and contempt! They strip him of all that belongs to him and made him a pauper and not only that, but they teach him to look upon the robbers as gentlemen, as beings entirely superior to him. They are called “the nobility,” “the quality”; his people are called the “riffraff—the dregs of society.”

— Jeremiah O’Donovan Rossa, Rossa Recollections, 1898

Did God Clock Out on Creation Sunday?

from “Be Good Or We’ll Kill You” 

with Rev Phil Pharisee

The other afternoon a faithful contributor asked me if Creation Sunday was a holiday anywhere in the world and if the following Monday might net a day off from the grind. Coming from someone who only works Sundays the answer was an easy one: God does not have a time clock or even a rudimentary hourglass. He is all-knowing and tells time by looking at the sky.

She just looked at me with that saved soul in the headlights gaze, smiled and went back to gossiping and fear. I thought about the query and had a few further thoughts that I’d like to share in this column. My final; summation is that it really doesn’t matter. The world is here either way. People who toe the line will go to heaven while the non-believers will spend their “golden years” roasting in hell.

But let’s get down to the sacred numbers in that proverbial collection plate in the sky.

Imagine the virtual overtime amassed since the beginning of Biblical time. That figure alone could break every bank between Bangor and Bakersfield. 

What if God could collect retroactive pay. Who would play him? Maybe the Vatican or another of the sterling icons of various Christian-Judo guilt and revenge clubs? Maybe John Locke? Maybe Billy Graham Junior? Maybe Hank Williams Junior?

Since there is no record as to any clear indication of hours logged or much solid evidence as to what may have gone down the case would probably wallow in the courts until the next Testament is written. What if space aliens show up in the front pew demanding tribute? Do they have the inside on all of this or do they default to their own gods and priests?

There were, no doubt, very few witnesses other than a few bad angels and self-absorbed archangels on the scene that fateful Sunday a long time ago. That makes it tough to cut through the mustard of creation and the catsup of heavenly warfare yet to come.

“If a god created the world he made a mess that has yet to be eradicated. If one of us humans had done this we’d be drawn and quartered or at least docked on our paychecks. Maybe he or she was bored and hurried through all the fundamentals then went fly fishing or snowboarding at an undisclosed locale in the cosmos. 

For more on this stimulating discussion see Creation: salary arbitration, waived incentives and no trade clauses.