US News

Indiana KKK still using Aunt Jemima products 

(Indianapolis) Five persons were indicted today charged with hate crimes relating to the continued use of Aunt Jemima products despite a national ban on such behavior .

“The benevolent and protective government has recently declared the end of racism in America in accordance with the disappearance of Aunt Jemima pancake flour,” said Lorena Huckaboo. “We solved this problem in Arkansas by ignoring it.”

In embracing critical space theory, the feds hope to alleviate outward signs of discrimination within these borders. Secret breakfast meetings allegedly include butter and Aunt Jemima pancake syrup leftover from Chickamauga.

Schools Will Receive 3.6 million in artificial intelligence

(Bland Valley))  Tons of artificial intelligence were dumped at over 40 institutes of learning this week with more expected by May. The expansive data has been distributed based on immediate need and the size of student population.

“We can’t open the boxes yet,” said one principle. “It has to steep, wallow and gel before start of fall classes.”

Some on GOP right flank deny 2023 exists

(Washington) In yet another departure from responsible governing, some fringe members of the Grand Old Party have questioned the existence of 2023. Amid yelling and stomping, 10 elected officials say 2022 was stolen and thus 2023 is invalid.

“We do not recognize the smooth transfer of power from 2022 to 2023 and therefore it is still 2022,” said Rep. Flora Babbit, of Colorado. Months were missing from the official register due to calendar miscalculations and blatant theft of weeks at a time when no one was looking.

Critics of the announcement say that their twisted colleagues often do not know what day it is and that most are still living in the Dark Ages, making their accusations “weak and silly”. 

McDonald, Burger King, Wendy Honored as Gay Pioneers

(Confront Range) Three stalwarts of the chemical food industry were honored as gay pioneers by the Denver City Council this morning. Then following the civil ceremony they were awarded the Cross of Merit today for their part in creating a climate of mindless as well as unhealthy eating practices.

“Without the efforts of people like these we would still have to maneuver through the often confusing and murky depths of choice and varied distinction that once defined Americana,” said the Lord Mayor from a prepared statement. 

Several gay consortiums have criticized the efforts of the local government to associate them with the demise of a culture that, until recently excluded so many minorities.

“Now they want to link us to fast food icons,” said one woman, “while tiny brains stew waiting for another helping of fries.”

Labor Department Suggests Stupid Days

(Washington) A new federal program, aimed at relieving work-related stress and decreasing employee absenteeism, will be implemented by 2024 if the U.S. Department of Labor has its way.

     The project, dubbed The Stupid Agenda, calls for the assignment of five stupid days per year per employee. The plan will be tested next month at more than 200 factories and mills throughout the country and a final approach will be determined by summer.

     “If I guy wakes up in the morning and he can’t get it together he can just call in stupid,” said one human behavior analyst. “It’s like calling in sick but you don’t have to lie.”

     The analyst went on to say that several industries already honor mental health days and vacation days but pointed out that these excuses leave a lot of gray area unexplored.

     “Of course we expect that some employees will take advantage of the new program and take their stupid days in a row,” he sighed. “Many go on stupid cruises or go to stupid Las Vegas. It will be up to the individual business to police its own shop and regulate the extension of stupid days to people who really don’t deserve them.

     According to unconfirmed sources here the federal government has been engaged in a secret stupid day exchange since about 1902. Frighteningly enough, most major decisions made since then were formulated by top level officials who had called in stupid.

     “It’s about time we caste off the yoke that tells us we were put on earth to labor,” explained the government spokesman. “The concept of stupid days serves as a reminder that when it really comes down to it, life is rather silly at best.”

                                                                           -Dinty Moore 

“Blame who you will. Point the Yankee finger. But the drug problem begins at the end of the nose of the United States. Sure, I’ll grow corn instead of coca and watch as my children starve.”

– Emilio Chinchina, Colombian farmer.

US ships Trump to North Korea

(Warshington) The United States has sent former President Donald Trump to North Korea for kimchi futures, vague promises of aid, and players to be named later.

Insiders say there was also an under-the-table cash payment undisclosed at the time of the ballbuster trade.

The move, concluded just moments before the spring trade, deadline aligns Trump with his former batty roach Kim Jong-un and promises to deliver more than a few surprises during the coming season.

Officials would not comment on rumors that fireballer Jared Kushner and base stealing threat Marjorie Taylor Greene would break into the opening day lineup and accompany Trump to Pyongyang. 

“He has been a divisive element in the outfield here here in the United States since 2012 and is expected to act as designated hater in his new Asian home.

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Humans spending 12% of day charging devices

(Omaha Towers) People obsessed with cellphones, laptops and tablets are investing larger chunks of their day keeping the things charged. The robo-chore has dramatically increased with the addition of expanded technology according to watchdog groups.

There are over 550 cell phone companies here in Nebraska alone. That’s thirty times the number of sheep and forty times greater than the number of antelope the otherwise less than stimulating region.

In addition to the on-average time spent actually charging, they spend another 4 minutes thinking about where to charge and a further 2.5 minutes thinking about what they will do while their devices are charging.

-Judy Sockett

Ask Doctor Ed

Dear Doctor Ed:

I am lonely but I hate people. What should I do?

Bridget

Dear Bridget:

Get a plant.  

Doctor Ed

“Michael… Michael O’Sullivan, are you a millionaire?

Now, Jackie, would I spend me time sitting on this old beach if I was a millionaire?

Jackie: “I believe you would.”  

                                  – fromthe film Waking Ned Devine 

Hermit Study Nets Little

(Gunnison) A ultra-census attempt to interview and catalogue the region’s hermits has been declared a dismal failure by bureaucrats who “already cashed the check”.

     Of the more than 100 hermits contacted at their homes between December and February only one would talk to researchers.

     “And he wanted to bum a smoke,” said one dejected staff member. “Most of these persons would not even come to the door if they had one.”

     Hermits who were cornered often stared back aimlessly when questioned by staff social scientists and nutritionists. Many only looked at their pretend wristwatches in apprehension of the meeting’s closure.

     “They were up to their coy little hermit tricks, but we’re wise to that action,” said Lolly Zippee, herself a recovering hermit. “They are not dealing with idiots here!”

     Many hermits reportedly work nights and were not welcoming at their place of residence during business hours. Most do not have phones or social media.

     “I was surprised how nice they dressed,” said an intern. “One generally thinks of a hermit as someone with a long beard, a staff and a sack cloth, whatever that is.

     An After Hours mixer is slated for later in the summer. Organizers hope it might lure the hermits out to meet other hermits.

     “If this doesn’t get their attention we’ll subpoena them,” laughed Zippee. 

-Tommy Middlefinger

“Men gave flowers, chocolates and perfume. They often paid 60 or 70 marks for a dinner in an expensive restaurant. They did not know how much happier you would be if they paid 20 marks for the dinner and 40 marks in cash.” (to their companion)

-Sybil in The Oppermanns

Vatican Pulls Rug Out On Quasi-Sainted Gibbon

(Oldtowne Wazoo) When Betsy the gibbon turned up pregnant nobody was talking. She had been in the seclusion of her cage for months with no contact with male gibbons, or so it was surmised.

Yet she was with ape…An immaculate conception? A virgin birth? A miracle? Rome first said yes, but now it is backpedaling on the blessed designation since it appears that her neighbor, Roscoe, (aka the Milkman) had access through a small hole between their cages.

“That Roscoe is quite the rascal, heh,” asked one zookeeper beaming with pride at the virility of his charge. “The 34-year-old primate sure showed his stuff.”

Zoological sources told The Horseshoe that the adjacent cages (apartamamus gibbonos) were thought to be secure, adding that the expected offspring was an excellent turn of events since gibbons are endangered.

“These things happen,” said one veterinarian. “After all, they lounged around every day doing nothing and in scent of each other. That would make anyone horny.”

Officials here say they plan to call the new gibbon Gibson.

-Melvin Toolini

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”   – Mark Twain