Archaeologists Stumble Onto Ruins of Ancient Kegger

(Godin Tepe) Archaeologists digging around the Zagros Mountains in Western Iran have unearthed the remains of a Sumerian kegger probably held millenniums ago. Sumerian art has long depicted people standing around a large vessel, drinking something out of it, with long straws. Up till now archaeologists, headquartered at Texas A & M and Baylor universities believed the liquid substance was either iced tea or Dr. Pepper.

These same researchers were shocked to find that ancient Sumerians were drinking a fermented beverage back in 3500 BC while they, the modern scholars, are unable to procure anything stronger than mineral water in their own counties.

Beer, wine and spirits are also illegal in present day Iran, another progressive redoubt, and site of the discovery.

The archaeologists made no mention of evidence that the ancient Sumerians drank concoctions such as Crown Royal and Coke or Jim Beam and 7-Up, two drinks popular in wetter locales in the evolved Lone Star state.

“As one might imagine the clearing where the kegger was held was quite trashed and the smell from certain residues was overwhelming after almost 4000 years,” said Sibyl Marmotbreath, Director of the Zagros Mountain Excavation.

“There were chairs and tables knocked over and a few plants upturned. One fellow appears to have gone off and left his britches behind. It’s a good thing these party animals hadn’t discovered tobacco yet or the place would have had to be immediately sealed back up.”

Marmotbreath went on to explain that the incredible morning stink associated with reckless beer drinking the night before is due to stale beer in part, but more so to cigarette butts lingering in ashtrays and often to body odor exaggerated by the ingestion of large quantities of alcohol.

An organic chemist at the Van Brewski Museum in Milwaukee, Marmotbreath earned her graduate degree in Yeast Management from the University of Augsburg in 1967. Her doctoral thesis examined related social phenomenon such as pickled eggs, brand loyalty and 3.2 beer.

After scrutinizing the recently unearthed artifacts it seems clear that the Sumerians were big boozers/party animals in the classic sense, according to Marmotbreath who contends that the ancient complex, and literate society of prospering city states emerged as part of a ploy to score large stores of malt, hops and barley from more temperate cultures nearby.

“In short, the Sumerians didn’t mind traveling great distances just to have a few beers,” laughed Marmotbreath, who concluded that the entire discovery had left her and her colleagues quite parched.

   -Kashmir Horseshoe