ANOTHER GROPPO APOLOGY

We have grown tired of extending post-seasonal apologies to Groppo the Elf and his battery of attorneys but in the spirit of the extended holidays we will reach deep and try to delouse a few feathers once more. First of all let us set the record straight. The short piece appearing on our December website regarding Groppo’s heritage was, admittedly in bad taste.

Moreover we really didn’t have photographs of the elf with local livestock even though we were assured that they could be easily procured. With the prints somewhere out in cyberspace we were forced to substitute a story about the much maligned Spar City “Holidays on the Rocks” and some color pictures of local cheerleaders hanging Christmas lights at our many private prisons.

Repeated references to Groppo’s alcohol abuse were presented out of context so as not to endanger the reputations of local citizens who, in most cases, seem to be able to handle their rum without incident. Implications that Groppo’s physical stature and mental capacity are the result of his diet of bombardier beetle ribs, Twinkies and swamp grass is fact. This accusation can be verified by speaking to the elf’s dietitian.

 Furthermore attempts at collecting damages from this publication by the family of Groppo are curtailed by executive privilege. We did not say that his immediate family was comprised of drug addicts, only that the current inhabitants of his family tree were junkies and substance abusers. We never said they were alcoholics either since most are reputedly closet drunks and their public behavior, although suspect, cannot be chronicled.

Never mind all that. Let’s shake hands and part as friends, Groppo. After all you’re really no worse than most of us, especially when viewed through the rose-colored filter of the Yuletide.

– Editor