ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT MISSING FUNDS

(Gunnison) The general accounting department at Western State College cannot account for more than $1.4 million dollars collected from a dorm bake sale in August.

“This is embarrassing,” said one faculty advisor. “What kind of an example are we setting for these kids. I’m sure it’s just an oversight but nobody needs publicity like this.”

According to administration source the money turned up missing after a dinner honoring 119-year-old alumnus Ernest Walpole, credited with designing the first recreational vehicle.

It is surmised that the funds were simply switched with the $23 collected at the honorarium. Maybe.

“All those cigar boxes look alike,” said one clerk who wished to remain unnamed. “How can we watch every penny?”

The district attorney is looking into charges that the funds were lost in a poker game with the Adams State debate team on Wednesday.

Meanwhile students are expected to reject a referendum that would allow Taco Bell and Sonic Burger 24-hour access to the turn-of-the-century chemistry lab. In a hotly contested campaign the fast food franchises had offered gold passes to prospective supporters. Hopped-up thugs continue to roam the campus this morning looking to prevent a high voter turnout.

– Rocky Flats

“The comfort of the rich rests upon an abundance of the poor.” – Voltaire