Everyone will be 7 feet tall by 2050

Vertical Grant Allows Study

(Tiny Town) Researchers here insist that they have uncovered evolutionary patterns that will result in a much taller populace by the middle of the next century. Tracing their methodology to the ancient ones who once roamed this canyon, and submerging it with the tendency of children to tower over their parents, the scientists predict an average height of about 7 to 8 ft. tall.

“This will change everything,” said Melvin Toole, professor emeritus at the conveniently located Littleton Academy of Applied Genealogy. “Everything, from basketball hoops to door jams will have to be jacked up. The compact cars of the Nineties will give way to the colossal automotive dinosaurs of the Fifties and Sixties,” he stressed. “Basketball players will have to be more than tall to demand the incredible salaries of today, while second story windows will have to be raised to insure the privacy of dwellers. Mountains will look smaller to visitors and the tourism industry will suffer.”

Although Toole and his colleagues have been firing off projections like arrogant drunks at a side-show shooting gallery, they have offered no evidence that any tests have been conducted regarding this pressing matter. Upon examination, reporters found only mounds of empty pizza boxes and beer cans in what Toole referred to as his laboratory. One small room was crammed full of five and 10 dollar bills, apparently rat-holed from government grants. Outside of a ramshackle bunkhouse, where Toole’s support team is supposedly housed, stands a rough sculpture of two men. One is disproportionately tall and the other appears to be a dwarf. Toole refused to comment on the sculpture, saying it was “part of his secretive research and a matter of national security.”

    “Any implication that federal funds have been misappropriated here in Tiny Town is an affront to the entire scientific community here in Jefferson County,” gasped Toole. “You might just as well accuse our boys over at Rocky Flats of lying about contamination levels, or the brave men and women at the Fed Center of stretching their daily coffee breaks!”

Most of the people invited to tour the research facility seemed confused as to what was being accomplished here. Many reporters simply laughed, shook their syndicated heads and drove back to Denver unable to file a story at all.

“You’ll all be sorry!” screamed Toole at the top of his lungs as the last of the press vehicles peeled out of his paltry parking lot. “They didn’t believe Marconi…or Copernicus either! And those boys were operating on their own money!”

 -Yankee Doodle

“My country right or wrong: if right, to be kept right; and if wrong , to be set right.” 

– Senator Carl Schurtz, of Missouri, 1876