Our man Toole has recently returned from Europe after a month long holiday. He files this report:

French Oysters Bred With Pull Tabs

(Kinsale, Republic of Ireland) A way out across the Celtic Sea Frenchmen are making it easier to eat shellfish. According to a piece in The Cork Examiner they’re doing it by breeding a new, more resilient oyster which is larger and comes with a handy pull tab.

For centuries humans have struggled opening oysters, a highly edible bivalve mollusk, before devouring the delicacy. Rubber gloves, blades and bandages have all been part of the salty entourage. Now, thanks to notable French chefs, these days appear to be ending.

“Although my sensibilities are rubbed the wrong way I suppose there’s nothing to do now but grab some baguettes and horseradish sauce,” said Gilles Clamette, author of A Duck Is Not A Pigeon and hundreds of other gourmet cooking anthologies.

Although the impact of these developments is expected to be significant, the story has appeared only in Irish newspapers, which are considered the final source on murky maritime matters in Northern Europe.

“It’s not like an Irishman to twist the truth, or embellish an important breakthrough with deceptive or wheedling statements,” said Clamette. “Besides, just how far can rational mankind stretch an oyster.”

ITALY ON CRASH DIET

(Naples) The Italian government continues to encourage its people to diet so as to overcome the perception that many Italians are obsessed with food. Since 1990, leaders in Rome have been praising healthy eating habits and applauding the practice of eating light.

A government endorsed light luncheon would be comprised of a Caesar salad, a bowl of minestrone, steamed clams, sardines, antipasto, formaggio (cheeses) bread in olive oil, frito misto (a mixed grill of seafood or liver, artichokes and cauliflower), scallopine al marsala and pollo al cacciatora over a bed of spaghetti or vermicelli. Of course a bottle of wine or two is traditional, as is a helping of neopolitan ice cream and fruit followed by a cup of espresso.

“If people would simply embrace the concept of eating light they would soon reap a veritable cornucopia of benefits,” said a government decree. “We not asking anyone to starve himself here.”

IRISH PUBS TO STAY OPEN LATER

(County Sligo) Irish pubs will remain open later than the legal time next year thanks to a government finding that no one pays attention to the law anyway. The pubs, center of social life in this culture are, by law, to be opened at 10 am and closed at 11:30 pm. The new regulation allows for an extra hour of operation.

“What a relief, said a barman at Hargadon Brothers on O’Connell Street. “Now we won’t have to wind the clock.”

An independent study recently concluded that it is quite rare to find a pub that ever closed at the prescribed time anyway. In some cases the doors were locked at around midnight with the patrons stuck to their stools, suspended in time, but even that was unlikely.

What are the gardai going to do, shut us down?” asked a publican at McLaughlin’s over on Market Street “Mind you, how would they buy a pint when they’re off duty?”

Euros Upsetting Goats

(Healy Pass, County Cork)) Wherever one goes in Ireland he is bound to run into Angora goats. They’re everywhere, standing out with their long hair and curious punk-like brands. Before the Euro began replacing the Irish pound as the acceptable means of currency these animals were quite docile, happy to send their days grazing in the green rolling hills or the sparsely vegetated cliffs of their homeland.

Now all that has changed.

“They just can’t get the hang of it,” said Dan O’Sullivan, a sheepman from nearby Castletownbere. “It was tough enough on the poor creatures when all those French arrived with their francs, then the Germans with their marks and the Brits with their sterling. Later the Americans showed up with their dollars. My sheep, God bless ’em, didn’t have a clue as to exchange rates and the like,” he explained. “Then they bring on this Euro currency, supposed to unite the European community and all…What it’s done is put my flock into outer space, fiscally speaking.”

O’Sullivan went on to say that he now spends hours upon hours helping his charges adjust to the new currency.

“I just want to make sure they don’t get ripped off, especially with winter coming on and all the tourists about.”

Russian Leaders Constipated

(Moscow) Decades after Glasnost many former Communist leaders remain constipated, according to reports circulating Red Square. Despite efforts on the part of many world health organizations the situation has become chronic and could affect world peace in the future.

Blamed in part on diet, or the lack of such, the monumental problem rears its head from St. Petersburg to the Caucasus. Russian experts fear that a constipated Politburo member, or Potato Head as detractors lovingly call them, is more apt to be cranky and lethargic.

     Historically, when Russian leaders fall into this state, they are more difficult to budge when it comes to changes to a free market economy and in negotiations with the West.

     Doctors prescribe more fruit and vegetables and less sausage and vodka.