White Flower Soup

December 11,  2016

Handsome, ambidextrous bagpiper will skirl a tune for weddings, funerals, graduations, mud wrestling competitions, breakfast meetings, alcohol seminars, brandings, shopping sprees, tree plantings, hangings, extra-marital affairs, forced marches, military interventions, homecomings, banishments, bachelor parties, giant slalom events, EMT classes, book burnings, race riots, exorcisms, lingerie modeling, final exams, looting excursions, engine overhauls, fragile tooth extractions, instinctual migrations, wanderlust. Look for our ad in the Jello Pages under Bagpiping.

Skullduggery by the half hour. We have been at it for 50 years and probably knew your father even if you did not. Ophir Wetlands. No strawberry pirates.

Sell Goldfish in Palembang! Unbelievable as it may seem openings exist! A self-degrading career in the magnificent world of tropical fish can be yours by tomorrow! Just mail in the cards from your gov’ment imposed reeducation lecture series #611, marked 3, 17 and 29 (18 and 30 if you are incarcerated). Failure to comply will result in doing time in a hard labor camp pegging lobsters while naked in the dark.

Self-motivated outdoorsman with a sharply pointed head needed for drilling operation in Wyoming. No Mother Frackers. Uniform provided. Must submit to drug tests. No smokers. Mud Pump Drilling, Gillette.

Anyone with information regarding an explosion at the Grizzly Bear Mine on November 2, 1895 is asked to wire the Ouray County’s Sheriff’s Office promptly. Reward adjusted for inflation.

300 effective gum massage techniques over the phone for just pennies a day. Dr. Oral Floss, Ant Farm Vista, Bicuspid Mall. Shopping for a new root canal. Dr Oral was a submariner!

For sale cheap: Cases of Beaujolais Nouveau that survived the Titanic and now the Democratic Convention. Emotional attachments. Bottled under the provisions of the 2016 Platform. High altitude squash and tomatoes too. Corkscrew Sally, Gladstoned.

Remember: Snow inspection is mandatory in Colorado!

Wanted: Hot Mama to view Star Trek reruns this winter. My social calendar is open Captain Schmirk, Starship Enterprise, Moline, IL.