Ruthie Roosterson Passes

(Wimpton Acres Homestay Obituary Roundup December 4, 2016)

Steadfast proofreader Ruthie Roosterson left this world this morning for greener pastures. The loyal spell checker and grammar stalwart predates all computer programs aimed at achieving perfection on the printed page. The cause of death was determined to be natural and due to complications regarding her age. She was 119.

An avid tennis player up until the end Roosterson knocked back three sets just last Saturday before closing the bars that night. On Sunday she won first-place at the Cedar Creek Demolition Derby and prepared ribs, spuds and corn-on-the-cob for 400 hungry fans at her remote Pea Green worm recovery center.

Roosterson was the first and only proofreader even employed by the Horseshoe, finding an estimated 400,000 typos, misspellings and miscalculations over that span. It was some time during those 40 years that Ruthie lost her sight altogether succumbing to complete blindness in 1987.

“Even stone-blind, the woman missed nothing,” said employer Kashmir Horseshoe. “It was uncanny, even paranormal but she got the job done and still had time to water the plants and take out the trash. They don’t make ‘em like Ruthie anymore.”

The paper now finds itself engaged in finding a replacement but until then readers are asked to do their own proofing. Employees at the Horseshoe will continue to produce mounds of worthless copy in a playful attempt to challenge the potential projected permanent proof person.

“We are looking for somewhat who is literate and younger,” said Horseshoe, acknowledged as The Hero of Bloated Oaks. “We prefer someone with roots in this valley who will stay on longer.”

Roosterson is said to have regularly consumed a case of Mexican beer during her heralded 10-hour work shifts. A high point in her life came as she won $1500 in a slot machine at the palm-infested Moapa Bowl then gave the money to the Nevada Butane Society. A career smoker she puffed away up until her death when the coroner was forced to remove a filter tipped Lucky from her lips before pronouncing her deceased.

Fellow employees who have taken to sleeping with their dictionaries will miss Ruthie’s smile and quick albeit sordid wit. Her ashes will be spread over the local library during cocktail hour on Friday.

– Small Mouth Bess