STUDENT KIOSK

Gunnison, CO  December 29, 2016

The Western State Journalism Department will once again offer Home Letter Writing 101 on Thursday nights this fall according to “volunteer” instructor George Sibley. “This is in no way meant to be a review of the alphabet but more an attempt to motivate kids to write home to their parents,” said Sibley, “since that seems to be the source of the funding that keeps silly classes like this one afloat.”

Students and faculty alike are warned that a flood of Ernest Money has been circulating campus on since September 5. The counterfeit currency in question, a five-dollar Ernest Goes to Camp bill and several other denominations featuring Ernest Goes to Allepo and Ernest Goes to Free Community College are being passed to unsuspecting consumers as we speak. Luckily, more dangerous bills such as Ernest Gets a Hernia and an assortment of crisp new Gomer Pyle Joins the Marines bucks have disappeared in the vicinity of Webster Hall. Local police insist that either the bad bills have already been hauled out of town or that they have broken the largest counter- counterfeiting operation in history.

Students wishing to have their bikes stolen this fall are asked to park them in specially designated bike theft racks which are accessible to all local thieves who own a screwdriver or an ax. The bike racks are located at the entrance to all campus buildings and at major intersections throughout the city of Gunnison.

Director of the Hotel Management Department, Alan Cox, has announced a plan that would provide for the personal needs of students at WSC. Along with consultants Jerry and Dani Weinberg, Cox has perfected a new breed of hound which has a life expectancy of just 134 days. “This way students and ski vagabonds can have the companionship of a pet and not the responsibility of dealing with same at the end of their particular season.” Cox, owner of the Nordic Inn at Mount Crested Butte is not a rookie when it comes to the inventing racket. In 1978 he developed the first doggy dialysis system in which individual aid stations resembled fire hydrants.

An unnamed Western State student is in fair to stable condition Friday after consuming most of a 1959 Buick LeSabre. Melvin Toole, 22, of Lakewood reportedly ate the car as part of a bet. He is currently being held at St. Roscoe’s Hospital here and is expected to be released as soon as a succeessful oil change can be performed next week.

– Attila Diggins