Wily Bruin Suspect in ATV Disappearances

(White Pine  Over There News  October 26, 2016)

Local authorities here have come to believe that a series of ATV thefts is the work of an illusive ring of black bears who live in the vicinity. Surprising though it may sound, considering the low crime in the region, police here have changed tactics in an attempt to apprehend the criminals saying that catching bears is a “whole ‘nuther hive of honey” than catching human crooks.

With yet another report of the loss of a new Honda four-wheeler last night, state wildlife biologists may be called in to firm up the ongoing investigation.

“At this point we think it’s just one bear acting alone in these crimes,” said Marshal Everett Pewter, “but he might have an accomplice or two for the bigger jobs. We found tracks and fur and scat all around the spot of the alleged theft. What slobs!”
The latest victims, three Kansas hunters, were forced to walk 15 miles to Highway 50 from the spot where they had left their vehicle on Friday.

According to one motorcycle/sports vehicle dealer the thefts are not all that odd.

“Bears have been walking off with everything from mail boxes to lawn furniture since I was a kid,” said Adam Griffith of Sun Sports in Gunnison. “What worries us is that now they’ve stepped it up a notch, grabbing dirt bikes and more sophisticated motorized vehicles. It’s enough to keep a person out of the woods.”

Griffith went on to say that he expected the stolen ATVs to turn up as chopped versions and clones of the real thing even though the bear were not that good with tools and had problems digesting service manuals.

As of press time there have been no reports of RVs or weapons missing.

“That’s good news for the people of White Pine who have always tried to live in harmony with their hairy neighbors,” said Pewter.

– Dinty Moore

“It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you often get it.”
– Somerset Maughm