Highway Patrol, Handing Out Souvenirs of Colorado

Colorado Highway Patrol officers will be handing out expensive souvenirs of the Rocky Mountain State into the fall, it was disclosed today. The mementos, with a street value of up to $16,000, are commemorative of alcohol levels and bad decisions.

Motorists deemed to be under the influence of alcohol can purchase these custom keepsakes out on the highway or at any police station. They can often get their tickets punches simply by slamming a few beers then driving around. The mementos (often called DUIs) are locally produced and authentic replicas of the justice system that is in place to protect us from ourselves.

Visitors wishing to obtain a souvenir of this type are reminded that a long, continual relationship may be forged with local police and their computers. Consumer advocates strongly suggest that guests show some smarts and purchase a nice T-shirt or a photo of elk mating forgoing the more committal packages available on our roadways.

– Tommy Middlefinger