Nancy Reagan Opium War Atrocities Cited

(Santa Barbara — Boxer Blues — May 30, 2016)

With a full disclosure pending, a spokesman for the late Nancy Reagan has conducted a tight-lipped denial of involvement in the Opium War, fought between Britain and China in the 1840s. Reagan, who had not been believed to be that old, was allegedly up to her neck in the transportation of opium, despite later distinguishing herself with the phrase “Just Say No.”

That was about the time a young, now deceased, Ronald Reagan began his decades-long romance with Laudanum. The connection here seems clear enough. Whether either of the Reagans knew about or actively participated in any battles was never established.

Attorneys for the former President and First Lady confirmed that they would address grievances adding that any Chinese resident who could prove he or she as alive and affected 150 years ago would be given a Gold Gucci credit card, compliments of Reagan Estate.

(The details in this story are not true but printed anyway as has become the fashion of the modern media. In short, if Faux News can broadcast hateful lies about living persons we can print ridiculous lies about the deceased.)