GOP Candidates Warned on Plagiarism

(Las Vegas, NV — City of Fool’s Gold — May 29, 2016)

The four leading Republican camps have been accused of using Know Nothing Party speeches from the 1850s and passing them off as their own work. The Trump, Cruz, Rubio and Bush headquarters were warned after “clear evidence was unearthed” before the weekend.

The content of each speech was allegedly “cherry-picked from the ideological scrolls of the Know Nothing Party”, according to committee historians, linguistic watchdogs and academic sources. An offshoot of the Whig Party that flourished in the 1850s, the Know Nothings were so named for the members’ coined reply when asked about party activities*.

The passages in question follow a similar pattern of political exclusionism, racism and xenophobia. They flow exactly as the words flowed back in the “good old days”. In most cases the pentameter is identical. In many cases the words are the same.”

The Know Nothings Party, a portion of whose membership helped rejuvenate the Ku Klux Klan in the 1920s, were led by men such as Nathaniel Banks and Lewis Levin. They were seriously concerned with the arrival of so many Irish and German Catholics over a short span of time, fearing it would lead to Papist politics and destroy the country.

Although there has been little response from the Republican candidates, who were preoccupied arguing about oil reserves and birthplaces, Democrats are calling for transparency (secret words and all if they got ‘em) and a full disclosure as to the origin of the speeches.

“No, I didn’t say Origin of the Species,” laughed one Congressman when asked if he thought the governing body had evolved at all since the time of the Know Nothings.

*The all-inclusive ”I know nothing” response was revisited when uttered at the slightest provocation by Sergeant Hans Schultz in the TV program Hogan’s Heroes.