(Jack’s Cabin) A brand new calendar based on peanut butter, hot dogs and skier days will offer extra weekend time and a summer season that stretches from April through November according sources around and about here.

The timepiece, dubbed the Alpha Snowboarder Calendar will offer an extra Saturday each month and promises that the luxurious Rocky Mountain summer will be extended beyond our wildest imagination.

We have manipulated the universe so as to nail down at least six months of real summer,” said Al Earthy, a snowboarder and part-time prep cook/thief. “We’re not throwing around a lot verbiage here either,” added Earthy. “We’re talking about six months where the daytime temperatures will hang in there at the 75-degree range.”

Persons interested in adopting such a calendar should show up at the Crested Butte Town Hall on April 3 with all of their old calendars in tow.

“We’ll be accepting old calendars in trade up through May 1 and then we’ll have to start charging minimal fees for the new ones at that time,” said Earthy.

Bronco Tickets No Longer Covered

(Denver)Most health insurance programs no longer cover the cost of season or single Bronco tickets. According to the American Association of Insurance Brokers, distractions of this type while healthy enough on their own cannot be considered medical treatment and therefore are excluded from almost all policies.

“One could probably arrange for a policy that would cover sports entertainment costs,” said Sam Spleene, a former tobacco lobbyists who now heads up Mortality Mutual, a multi-billion dollar insurance and investment firm which serves breakfast Tuesdays through Fridays. Headquartered behind Spleene’s Auto Salvage, a known scalpers’ haven, Mortality Mutual has offered Bronco and Rockies tickets as sales incentives for the past two years.

Insurance spokesman say the tougher restrictions were part of a general crackdown on abuses within the industry.

Hillbillies Hijack Plane

(Owensboro, KY) Two known hillbillies have reportedly pirated a twin-engine Cessna while in flight from Lexington to Louisville. The two suspects, identified as twin brothers Delbert and Regis MacBrowne, of Bowling Green, apparently grabbed the wheel of the aircraft as it lifted off earlier this morning.

In a statement released just moments ago, the two hijackers assured reporters that the plane’s passengers were in no danger and that they would land as soon as they ran out of fuel. FBI and FAA officials, working together on the caper, fear that the two will seek refuge in Alabama where they have already petitioned for political asylum.

Readers may recall that the MacBrowne brothers were linked to the theft of bass boats, buses, U-haul trailers, and a small helicopter over the past decade. Although spit-shine indicted, neither has spent time behind bars due to chronic crowding and bogged-down courts. Regis is currently wanted in North Carolina for illegal farm sausage making and nude sun bathing while his older, and purportedly better-looking, brother recently escaped from a maximum security holding tank by floating the Tennessee River on a piece of aluminum siding wearing nothing but a child’s snorkel and his familiar Chew Red Man cap. He had been serving consecutive sentences of five years for moon shining and insider trading at the local feed mill.

Authorities have had no success in contacting cousins of the men who live somewhere in jerkwater West Virginia and have, over the years, gained the trust and confidence of the two air pirates. Locals in the Mountain State say the MacBrowns will listen to kin and police hope that the infusion of a little common sense might bring the matter to a swift conclusion.

“These people are stubborn and if we’re ever going to get them to land they must think it’s their idea,” said one FAA official. “It appears clear that the other passengers are in no jeopardy, in fact they seem to be enjoying the incident.  During our last communication we could overhear Delbert leading them in a rendition of the popular Tammy Wynette classic, “Stand By Your Man” followed up by several Minnie Pearl, Little Richard, Burl Ives, Bob Marley combos. From all indications the craft’s small service bar is open.”

An FBI spokesman today confirmed reports that the two had indeed taken themselves hostage and that demands for gourmet breakfast meats and clean socks would be considered only after arrangements for the safe return of plane and passengers had been finalized.

“You’re dealing with two desperate briar hoppers* here,” said Elda MacBrowne, Eastern Kentucky soothsayer and ex-wife of Regis. “Back up here in the hollow we don’t cotton to a lot of airplanes flying around. They scare the chickens. I don’t know how the boys learned to fly. Must have been in jail. Delbert has problems riding a bicycle. We just hope that their message, whatever it could be, is spelled properly and reaches the right sets of ears.”

The MacBrowne woman then suggested that if the authorities just sit tight the brothers would sooner of later return to earth.

“I know for certain that Regis can’t be away from his dog for long periods of time and that Delbert gets air sick,” she smiled. “Besides that squirrel season opens Monday and they haven’t missed an opening day in 35 years.”                                                                                 – Herb Ditchwater

* term of extreme endearment

“The script sits. The writer’s translated into ink what is in his spirit and his soul and his mind. Boom. I come along, I pick it up, and the ink goes into my eyes, into my mind, into my body, flows around and that part starts to inhabit me. And I know a good part when I see one.” — Peter O’Toole”