(Wimpton) The Chapel of the Full-Tilt Reformed Blinding Light Unicorn Salvation and Ante-Coastal Fellowship may forfeit its tax-exempt status due to the opening of a high stakes casino on its 30,000-acre survivalist fortress here.

According to investigating Treasury Department officials excused tax status and gambling don’t mix well.

“Who ever heard of a non-profit black jack table,” said one IRS agent. “It’s virtually impossible even with the watered down games that these jokers have been pushing on their congregation since the Puritans hit the pulpit.”

The fellowship, which operates out of the trunk of a Buick LeSabre registered to a Rev. Phillip Pharisee, plans to appeal whatever decision is handed down on the grounds of religious freedom.

Traditional gambling interests in Las Vegas and Atlantic City have already threatened to align themselves with the church in light of the potential increase in customers.

“If we could crack the Sunday go-to-meeting crowd we might survive the onslaught of riverboat, First American and low stakes shanty casinos that have cropped up in every fishing village, reservation and former mining town across the country,” said one poker-faced spokesman from Nevada. “Imagine the profits/collections from the fish fry/bingo contingent alone.”

Lobbyists for the gambling industry have long sought the relaxation of laws prohibiting children and the mentally ill from wagering paychecks and pumping slot machines.

“Let’s face it,” said the source, “eternal life is a gamble and there’s no better time to start counting cards than the present.”

A decision on the matter is expected Friday. Already Pharisee has threatened to relocate his fortress and his Buick to Russia, “where at least they have religious freedom,” if the IRS forces the issue.

                     Cereal blamed for demise

(Pea Green) Too many choices in the cereal aisle, not overpopulation or pollution, has been blamed for the demise of Western Culture according to a ten-year study completed here this week.

After intense debate by social scientists, soccer moms and academics, urban stress as well as the breakdown of family and overgrazing were listed as major components of the malady. Alcohol and illegal drug abuse, economic disparity, television and the lack of water rounded out the frightening roster.

“We don’t know what this means,” admitted Dr Efram Pennywhistle Dean of Wheat at Pea Green Academy, “which is in keeping with the tabulations of our other tedious studies since the Civil War. We’re not looking to take the gloves off with Tony the Tiger or mix it up with Snap, Crackle and Pop but the results are conclusive,” he burped.

Critics of the academy say participants in the study have sugar-coated statistics with regard to social ills and drown legitimate findings with the aid of the dairy industry.

“They’re all a bunch of flakes,” said Captain Crunch, a retired bore hero who now represents Ralston-Furina. “Are they really including icons like Quaker Oats and Kellog’s Corn Flakes on their hit list?”

Pennywhistle admitted his team may have been caught with egg on their faces with this premature announcement.

“We should have waited until the lunch line died down to release our findings,” he flinched. “Maybe they expected us to spoon feed them on this one.”                                                               – Kashmir Horseshoe

Huey Long Demands Recount

(Baton Rouge) Former Louisiana governor Huey Pierce Long, who was assassinated in 1935, has returned from the grave and is demanding a recount on some municipal election or the other held in Bayou La Fouche or some such place. Saying he was cheated, Long insists that the election was actually a mandate and that he should have been crowned king.

Long was a free-wheeling governor who ran the state in an unorthodox manner until his murder. He may have been a crook but at least he has a bridge named after him which is more than can be said for most folks. He is the first governor from south of the Mason-Dixon Line to come back from the dead (although the 3,028th to demand a recount). Colorado Governor James H. Peabody performed the feat at least three times after his death, once at Vail during a birthday party for then President Gerald Ford and then later while house sitting for Buffalofile Cody, the great-niece of Schuyler Colfax.

It is not known how long Long will be in town.