700-pound woman falls from tree

(Manana) A large unidentified woman crashed to the ground here yesterday, ejecting from a small aspen tree that promised to support her mass no more. Although there were no serious injuries reported, a large crater, estimated to be as large as downtown Olathe, represented the residue of the incident.

People reported feeling the repercussions as far away as Peach Valley. How the subject managed to climb the tree was not clear. Police suspect she might have done it at night under the cover of darkness.

“We see far more of these incidents this time of the year since fewer people climb trees in winter and fall,” said one officer on the scene. We have filed charges of reckless endangerment and operating a vehicle without proper paperwork.”

Already groups in solidarity with the weight disadvantaged have pledged to protest the criminal charges. They suggest that the owner of the tree should have placed warnings on and around the aspen.

“Someone could really get hurt,” said Wardine Schmelte, an advocate of the chubby. “We hope to make an example out of this irresponsible disregard for public safety.”

The victim of the fall attributes her weight to hours of television, mounds of fast food and over 45 diet pops reputedly consumed each day.

“It’s not easy being 500 pounds overweight,” said a eyewitness. “But the next time she should at least get clearance from local air traffic controllers.”

Police admit that the use of a safety belt may not have made any difference in the calamity. The tree is in stable condition this morning at the Montrose Memorial Nursery.

The woman’s name will not be released until the hole is filled.

–       Fred Zeppelin