Skis Must Include Warning Label

(Crested Butte) All skis and snowboards manufactured after 2013 must display a mandatory label notifying winter sports enthusiasts of the potential hazards intrinsic to the employment of the athletic devices. The ruling came down after  an upsurge in lawsuits claiming that manufacturers were acting irresponsibly by not informing patrons of dangers inherent to regular use of their products.

“The age of common sense has once again eluded us,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA), sponsor of the legislation. “It is surely sad that people can’t police themselves on the slopes or standing in a bucket of water in body armor while playing with electrical outlets. Natural selection has gone the way of the buffalo but unlike the recovery of that great mammal it has yet to make a comeback. Precedent has been set. Idiots have been awarded millions of dollars due to their own stupidity and we don’t want to see the struggling ski industry be further tapped. Insurance premiums are high enough.”

The warning signs must be prominently displayed on the front of both skis. Federal inspectors will begin random checks in January. It is still not clear if boots and poles will be included in the restrictive measures.

“We have all seen the harm that can result after a day spent in tight ski boots,” continued Noise, “and the damage inflicted with ski poles can be devastating. Ski rental shops take full responsibility with regards to bindings but nobody is undressing the chronic problem of boards on the snow. This is when your gov’ment must step in and protect you. Thank your lucky stars for the gov’ment, heh?”

Already rules and regulations have been plastered on every lift and lift ticket in an attempt to insulate against legal actions. Cautions as to skiing out of bounds and or changing weather conditions have become routine since the early days of ski areas.

“Caveats have been rendered and now it’s up to the people and snowboarders to embrace accountability,” said the senator.

In a related story Congress has issued new guidelines leavened with statutes relevant to mattresses and dog owners. As of next year all bed manufacturers must display a caution tag informing sleepers that getting out of bed can be dangerous. In the canine sector, all dogs must exhibit collar warnings as to the  possibility of bites, gluttony or jumping up on an unsuspecting bystander.

“This goes beyond the traditional mattress removal laws and humane society recommendations,” he spat. “Shall the police visit the boudoir? Shall inspections be concurrent with doggy’s morning ritual?

According to preliminary canons, parties who fail to fully cooperate with government directives will be shot.

– Avery Gallant