Rock Soup

Counterfeit cow licenses, eagle feathers, Havana cigars, Columbine bouquets, marijuana seeds, removed mattress tags, banned assault rifles, bogus hunter safety cards, over-the-counter whiskey on Sunday. Illegal Segal, Guano Boulevard.

Low-income deer and elk can talk to professional taxidermists on Tuesdays through November. Call the DOW.

Need a place to hibernate for a night or two. The Ouray Victorian Inn is now offering deluxe accommodations TWO FOR THE PRICE OF JUAN through November. Call them or just sleep outside.

Desperately seeking ride to Mexico or Canada on Saturday, October 12. Will return in mid-November. Call Lawrence Elk or John Doe at the Uncompahgre Plateau Sinclair. Leave message.

The 90th Annual Psorophaora Mosquito Family Reunion/Swarm will be held at Dengue Town Park on November 28 despite reports of high water. Bring covered fish. Pupae OK. No flies.

Need: Person to weed and mow Rolling Rock Acres Cemetery every Friday through the winter season. Applicant must have good driving record and current driver’s license. No mystics. Simple vision test will be administered to some successful candidates. Demonstrated ability to get along well with the long-term clientele will be considered a plus. Stop by in person and ask for Mr. Curtains.

Hunters: Did you happen to notice a mature marijuana crop out in the National Forest recently? Well, for crying out loud, man, keep it to yourself! We may not be paying taxes on the sale of the stuff but at least we ain’t on the welfare rolls. Western Slope Organic Hemp Coop, Surface Creek Exchange.

College-educated potato peeler needed to give stimulating lectures and prepare truck stop food at local hunting camp. Heavy drinker preferred but will train. Mother’s Guide and Outfitting, 23 Dead End Place, Hardwood Sprangs.

Jake Brake Cologne – The right scent for the over-the-road warrior who hopes to make it down to Ouray before dark. Available at Red’s Mountain Pass, Otto’s and other fine eateries with large parking lots. Bottled under the strict supervision of her majesty, Mother Cline.

Found: Pair of full-figure panty hose near Ophir Loop. To claim please leave description at post office.

Tex-change operations daily at our secret clinic in Taylor Canyon. Guaranteed semi-painless or your deposit cheerfully refunded. References not an obstacle. Millions of delighted customers. Ask for Dr. Snorte.

Public Notice: The circus act “Jungle Jim’s African Lions” will now be doing business as “The African Lions”. Furthermore, the remaining entertainment principals will no longer be responsible for the past exploitations, manipulations and private debts of the late James “Jungle Jim” Tamer (11/5/13).

Goose fertilizer $25 per ton firm. Guaranteed to grow, healthy, strong birds. Tom Collins Farms.

Get paid for not mowing your lawn. Contact a federal government near you.

Afraid to fly? Hey, with all the terrorism, trigger-happy pilots and bad food who wouldn’t be? Now there’s help. We’ll fly for you. Any destination. Any schedule. Hell, we’ll even haul luggage given to us by people we don’t know. Bonus: Sign up today and we will arrange to have people meet you outside the airport or drive you to the nearest bus station. Big Bird Ltd., Antelope Hills.

For sale: Military surplus from much-maligned War on Drugs. Perfect for second home or military bunker system. Federal subsidy available for starter militias. See Mr. Winn at the Sandinista Gun and Tool Show at Jingo Auditorium. Three years ago we couldn’t even spell camouflage and now we are invisible.

Devious drunkard seeks small, beat up trailer for use during the colder months. Will be constantly late on rent and leave the whole shooting match a mess when spring arrives and I go back out to sleep in the woods. References on request. Will also consider caretaker position unless I decide to go to Mexico for the holidays. Warren of Wexley at Apocalypse Liquors, Wimpton Circle.

BUY DEER AND ELK DIRECTLY FROM JAPANESE MARKETS. Contact Jane Honda at the newly remodeled Super Fund Complex.

Will wash your car all winter in return for long distance telephone privileges in your home. Got any sisters? Whitewater Walt. Watch for me in the ditch along Highway 50.

Hunters: Is your blood alcohol higher than your IQ? For complimentary consultation contact the Colorado Highway Patrol before it contacts you.

I retired at six-years-old. So can/should you. Send $25 for kit to Melvin Toole c/o this rattle sheet.

Loose 200 pounds of basic body fat just by watching daytime television. Send $10 to Voodoo Electronics, c/o Toole Belts, Box 615, Gunnison, CO 81230.

Gelded love seat for sale cheap. It didn’t wok out and I’m giving up on men. Wanda Wanna, Placerville. Also for lease: Some dog hair. Sal Dalmatian, General Delivery, Crested Butte.

Want to shoot real big deer and elk right off your porch in a few years? Desperate! Need place to dump 145,000 cubic yards of radioactive waste quickly. All offers considered. No real estate agents please. Send sealed bids to Director of Mutations, Umetco Animals and Minerals, Uravan, CO 81436