SAN JUAN SHAVINGS

Local celebrities to give away money

(Telluride) A contingent of recognized celebrities, and some what think they are such, has formulated a strict arrangement that should allow them to rejoin the ranks of mortals. The luminaries currently share space on the planet with the masses and have apparently now turned their illustrious heads toward parity for all.

     The blueprint calls for committed celebrities to leave baskets of cash all over San Miguel and Ouray Counties marked “Please accept this cash donation with best regards”. It is then signed by the donor with either his/her real name or a stage name.

     “For instance Sylvester Stallone might sign his basket `Rambo’ or Dennis Weaver might have written `Chester’ on his offering,” said Melvin Toole, coordinator of the event and the self-professed only honest man left in either county. “Imagine the relief as these notables get rid of the trappings of fame and success. Imagine the happiness these gifts will bring to residents of the San Juans who have just paid income taxes and are waiting to refill coffers after the winter. It’s like a local lottery where someone actually has a chance in hell of winning something,” he sobbed. “It’s beautiful.”

     The celebrity consortium, numbering over 50 people will give away an estimated 4.8 million dollars over the next two months, holding back a few thousand dollars to get them through until the next film or book hits the money machine.

     “It’s really no big deal,” said one renown director. “Easy come…easy go, you know.”

     Some of the rich and famous have not joined in the mass hand outs preferring to keep their booty for themselves. Critics suggest that somewhere down the road these persons will be lost in the shuffle.

     “How will people be able to determine real celebrities from plain old people who just happen to be rich,” suggests Toole. “Talk about buying notoriety. Oh, my. We’ve opened up Pandora’s Box once again.”

     Although no names were named Toole insists that this phenomenon is real and that locals should keep an eye on the mailboxes, be on the lookout for discarded grocery sacks and shoe boxes and leave their car windows open so as to be receptive to abrupt deposits.

RIDGWAY GETS CRIME GRANT

(Tail Town) Ridgway has been named the recipient of a $300,000 grant which seeks to bring the criminal element into town government. The money will be spent to lure low lifes into the town infrastructure so that the town council can rationalize hiring more police officers.

     “It’s a win-win situation here,” says Suzie Compost, director of criminal activities for the council. “It’s simple supply and demand politics in full regalia. We like it.”

     The grant came faster than expected, especially considering that it had to be approved on the state level. First, local police were complaining about nothing to do, nobody to arrest. Second, they (the cops) started hanging out in front of the bars, shadowing revelers. Third, the revelers got mad and complained back to the town council. Fourth, the council decided to shift the heat and petitioned the state to do something.

     “We’re amazed at the speed of the response,” said Compost. “Usually they take longer than that to get their pencils sharpened every day. It’s shocking. We’re not ready to put the plan into action and already strange persons have been arriving in town, some with tattoos. Maybe we’ll just deputize all the newcomers. That could work. Either way, it should be an interesting summer.”

ALIENS TO SKIP ROSWELL UFO REUNION THIS SEASON

(Norwood) Space travelers from distant stars will avoid landing near Roswell, New Mexico this summer due to the presence of some 2,000 cosmos and omniverse campers who have paid $90 for the privilege of camping there. The aliens instead plan a small reunion here. The campers will sleep at the site of a purported spacecraft crash in 1947.

     UFO aficionados will engage in the week-long celebration in early July, commemorating the anniversary of the alleged sighting, called “dubious at best” by the Air Force. Meanwhile the supposed alien clique will gather on Wright’s Mesa.

     Forward agents for the aliens have already booked hotels and the grocery, bars and liquor stores are gearing up for what may be the most lucrative week of the summer.

    “This could be bigger than the Prairie Dog Shoot,” said a Norwood firewater merchant.  “It’s tough to know what to order, though. I don’t know what aliens drink.”

     The aliens reportedly chose Norwood since the town has a reputation for tolerance.

     “We’ve had to tolerate all those refugees from Telluride over the years,” said one resident who asked not to be named. “That’s no simple chore, you know.”

      A rancher near Roswell found debris on July 8, 1947, including some sort of flying disc which the Air Force said was part of a top secret monitoring balloon.

     “The Air Force has been spying on our cows for the past 20 years and they’ve denied that too,” said our chatty source. Now they say there are no UFOs around here despite the fact that everyone has seen them three or four times at the least. Imagine that.”

FEDS RAID HORSESHOE WEB SITE

(Colona) Combined forces of the Federal Bureau of Infestation, the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution and the Newt-Whirled Order carried out an intricate predawn raid of the San Juan Horseshoe Web Site near here. The once secret location was tear gassed,  burned to the ground, its apparatus hauled off to crime laboratories for extensive testing.

     The law enforcement agencies found cellular phones, a laptop computer, an extensive file with the home numbers of local pizza delivery personnel, a Confederate flag, some stale doughnuts, an 800 number, empty beer cans and a clock radio. They think the operators of the web site might have been spying for North Korea, Iran or both. In addition, preliminary data, collected on the spot, suggests a connection with the infamous Colona Mail Order Husband Ring that was brought to its knees, with the help of local informants, in March.

     This is the second successful haymaker delivered by the FBI in as many years. Readers may choose to recall the apprehension of Red McSwill or Log Hill Mesa who, doing business as Red’s Garage, was indicted for tampering with local odometers during the Nixon Presidency. He is currently serving a prison sentence in his mother-in-law’s home at Nucla.

SLEEPING INDIAN PRIMED FOR SNEEZE

(Ridgway) One of the region’s most dominant landmarks, the Sleeping Indian, is scheduled for his 100-year explosion this month. The Native American rock formation’s first recorded sneeze came in 1697 and was witnessed by Fathers Escalante and Dominguez as they traveled through the San Juans searching for a place to build a real estate office. Later in 1797 the chief blew up again, causing the Uncompahgre River to change course. The last time the Sleeping Indian sneezed it was with such force and determination that it effectively destroyed the town of Ridgway and the railroad all the way to the town of Dallas. In fact, the only building left standing was the Little Chef, a sacred location on most Ute topo maps.

     Residents are urged to stay in their homes from June  through August , or until the chief goes off. Ridgway Hardware will be selling folding chairs through May with which to view the sneeze.

     He had not returned our calls as of 3 am.

CAMP BIRD NETS ANCIENT DIRT SAMPLES

(Ouray) Recent excavations at the Camp Bird Mine have some geologists wondering how long rocks have been in the ground. Early samples of dirt and rocks were discovered last summer as far up as Yankee Boy Basin all the way down to Box Canyon.

     “This changes everything,” said local geologist Tim Rosefriar. “It’s now clear that the earth is a hell of a lot older than we thought and so are the people engaged in stupid articles like this one.”

– Uncle Pahgre