Artificial Intelligence

Be careful what you wish for

The other day I had to be taught how to open a newly acquired umbrella here in my cloud forest winter home. I had hardly ever used one, in fact had rarely even seen one since I’ve spent the majority of my life in the parched highlands of Western Colorado.

This inability to embrace and comprehend new technology will stand as exhibit one if anyone out there wishes to analyze the level of my cognitive processing.

Hey, I’m open to change when it is beneficial and valid. I do not embrace mindless digital beeping or scanning codes to order my lunch (with built in tipping suggestions to boot) I will not use auto checkouts at the grocery (for even a stalk of celery) since these “time saver” devices are another lunge in the attempts by Big Corp to eliminate jobs. I don’t care about the new McDonald’s menu or how Wal-Mart is saving me money since I have never consumed one or been in one, respectively.

While it may be true that I conduct business with cash and take the slow, back roads to town, I am not against change. Admittedly I don’t get all that excited about indoor plumbing unless it is a particularly cold day, and it is true that I did not sleep for weeks after the National League adopted the designated hitter rule.

Some see these conveniences as progress. I see them as anti-human. Artificial Intelligence arrives at the door in an era when society already offers too much that is artificial.

From my initial investigation AI falls into the much ado about nothing category. Does this allegedly new power dynamic simply duplicate Google or enhance GPS? Does it allow machines to think like people or encourage people to think like machines? I guess in systems analysis and rapid data collection it is a breakthrough but for most people it seems just another intrusion.

AI cannot feel, create, adapt or engage in moral reasoning. It has no heart and no soul. But maybe modern humanity places no value on these faculties.

AI has no scent, so dogs cannot detect it and cats can’t sleep in it on the window sill. Bees can’t pollinate it. Horses can’t eat it and birds can’t target it. We have yet to determine how it is received by fish or lower primates.

It methodically tracks, even stalks us too. Case in point: I told my bank I was going to be out of the country for three months and I wanted to make sure there were no geographic glitches in my debit card use. They told me not to worry “AI knows where you are.”

If there is a god of artificial intelligence he/she must be petitioned now!

Thank goodness satirical writing is reportedly not on the firing line with AI, but will our newly empowered humans be capable of digesting this and other art forms in the near future?

-Fred Zeppelin

Next month: “How I made my first million with AI”