IRISH MINERS UNEARTH MASSIVE GUINNESS VEIN

(Allihies, West Cork Eire) Miners digging potatoes on the Beara Peninsula have discovered the largest vein of Guinness Stout known to man or beast. Ascending from the Finn McCool Mine, workers could barely contain themselves with the talk of eternal flows and a return to the good old days when a pint was less than two Irish pounds.

The find, at the foot of the Mashed Potato Mountains, appears to be almost twice the size of a similar discovery registered near Ballyferriter in 1923. The dark ruby liquid found here contains a much higher level of barley, a major ingredient in the porter brewing process.

“The isinglass finings from fish air bladders common to most Guinness samples is absent here,” said Brian O’Sullivan, head mining engineer at McCool.  “That means vegetarians can enjoy a glass. It’s a great day for the thirsty!”

The quiet village of Allihies, at the end of the Beara Peninsula, near the site of the discovery.

O’Sullivan said the mine was not concerned with rampant high grading on the part of workaday miners.

“Even these lads can’t carry out enough to make a dent in the supply,” he smiled.

The first Guinness deposit was revealed during a particularly gruesome hurling match (between Clontarf and River Liffey) by one James “The Gallant” Markey near Dublin in 1869. At the time people here thought it was a gift from the saints. Later it became apparent that these veins were quite rare indeed and common only to Ireland.

The find seems to be intact and after preliminary tapping is expected to flow for decades, glutting the market and driving down the price of a pint here in Ireland. How it will affect the price of Guinness worldwide was not known at present.

The Archdiocese of Cork is calling the discovery a miracle and has petitioned the Pope for recognition.

“Holy Mother the Church can smell a farthing from across the continent. Everybody wants in on the action,” said O’Sullivan, of nearby Healy Pass. “Our family has been making poteen with hickory, ash and oak fires , down in a hole under what is now my brother’s house since 1792 and the Vatican hasn’t once been by for a visit. Meanwhile the local vicar, has developed quite a taste for our single pot whiskey. He says it helps him write his fiery sermons.”

Once assayed, the “ore” will be shipped to Dublin for further pasteurizing and then drained carefully into kegs for safekeeping. Most of the stout will be stored in kegs and quite a bit of it will remain underground where it now resides at perfect the temperature for sipping.

“It’s like winning the Lotto,” said one bystander, glass in hand. “We haven’t seen anything like this since the Vikings came for tea.”

– Suzie Compost