New $10,000 bills exclude poorer Americans

Business News

(Fort Knocks) The newly minted and much publicized $10,000 bill will not be available to the general public it was announced today. Excluding the impoverished and the dwindling middle class from the upgrade, the move once again stacks the deck in favor of those who already have all the money.

One affluent and well insulated inequality pioneer sneered at the prospect of sharing the wealth with those fiscally beneath him.

Saying that poor Americans “would only hurt themselves with the swollen currency”, billionaire, Invidious T. Morganthau, told us: “Only the well- heeled will have the money to buy these and use the currency properly,” he sniffed? “It’s a non-issue.”

The author of the rarely reviewed Caucasians at the Racetrack continued, insisting that the bills would swiftly cease to be a premium or even fall out of circulation if the poor had access to them.

“They would get them dirty,” he said, “whereas the rich would keep them in their safes and take them out only clean them and to show off down at the country club,” he explained.

“Imagine these valuable bills circulating depressed neighborhoods. They’d be either spent on drugs or stolen,” he continued. Think of the counterfeiting that would go on in back alleys and crack houses.”

“And what would the great unwashed have to put up for collateral anyway?” he mused. “Dangerous thinking of this type needs to be eradicated before our big, beautiful feudalistic with freedom for all system is obliterated. Moat or no moat, private armies or not, brain washing be damned — there are still more of them than us.”

Other brahmans chimed in saying the entire matter was ludicrous.

“Most of these types have never even seen a $100 bill much less one of these $10,000 babies,” offered Wyatt Wyatt, another silver spoon pirate who has managed to spin his boyhood inheritance into a vast fortune by selling defective condoms in emerging nations.

“Just look at the average life expectancy of a hundred dollar bill in the hands of the desperate for instance. They get it and spend it right away. They have no sense of financial management or the dangers of inflation. I have witnessed this behavior time and time again in my career,” he shook his head.

While Donald the Trump will grace the $10,000 bill, a second minting will feature The Rogue Supreme Court on the front with a fully camouflaged Mike Pence on the back. The $5000 will be minted only through the summer season as a souvenir or keepsake for wealthy Russian tourists who can still afford a vacation in the U.S.

Where to get yours: Contact White House Brokers across from the Conflict of Interest Memorial or at any of our 50 Wall Street locations. Potential buyers must show white-collar tax records (of some kind) and proof of net worth. And remember what your your banker says: Just because you may have earned your first paycheck from questionable commerce is no indiction that you should rely on this alternate markets to secure these monetary units at your new found status.

“The average American does not understand money or have respect for large sums,” smiled Morganthau. “It would be instant anarchy if these bills spilled out into the mainstream.”

– Fred Zeppelin