Trump’s caddie appointed medical envoy

Donald Trump’s favorite caddie will take over federal distribution of emergency medical equipment to US hospitals it was disclosed today. The less-than-shocking announcement came during an exclusive friends only press conference attended by right wing media and members of the immediate family.

The unnamed caddie, oddly enough a a former Shakespearean actor and born again thespian, has had no previous experience other than golf course consultation and etiquette. He is the latest in a virtual parade of clown appointees, including Jared Kushner and Mike Pence who have “graced the administration with their knowledge and poise at a time of great crisis” according to a Trump spokesman.

When contacted by mainstream media the caddie, who often kept score for Trump, had no official comment other than “keep it in the short grass” a traditional bit of advice preferring fairways to roughs. He then purportedly mumbled something resembling Fair is foul, and foul is fair: Hover through the fog and filthy air which no one in the gallery could translate and therefore ignored.

“He is thrilled with the turn of events,” said a FOX News source. “He has promised to send some 10,000 non-medical golf gloves to red states by the weekend.

In addition red states will receive state-of-the-art ventilated golf carts with GPS rangefinders according to White House aides.

The President did not undress accusations that he was playing golf despite self-quarantine restrictions placed on Florida by its Republican governor Ron DeSantis, a close Trump ally. He did however promise to open up the economy despite the warnings of a golf pro and several greens keepers with knowledge of these developments.

When asked to discredit rumors that blue states would receive only tiny golf pencils and range balls from the Eisenhower years, Trump said that chipping and putting would be the responsibility of those Democrat governors who refused to replace divots.

Then a pro-Trump reporter asked if he would now play courses common to Shakespearean bunker tragedies such as Hamlet or Julius Caesar, Trump appeared stumped. He admitted that he cannot read but that he had watched a few of the plays on television. He then added that his handicap was far below that of likely opponent Boggy Joe Biden, who he called an average putter at best.

“The British are terrific golfers,” he smiled.

– Alfalfa Romero

“LET THEM EAT HAKE.”  – Lieutenant William Bligh, HMS Bounty