High Water Threatens E-Bay

(Camp Bird) Heavy monsoons, combined with continued run-off from melting snow have turned a once tranquil E-Bay into a swirling, choppy hellhole unfit for human utilization. The bay is expected to remain off-limits to boaters and fishermen until water engineers can recreate natural flow and repair traditional drainage ditches wiped out by the aquatic thrust.

“We were caught with our wet suits down on this one,” admitted local ditch rider Dag Katz, who has been employed by the county for almost forty years. “We watched the water rise thinking it would subside only to find that it quickly became a monster exhibiting major swells and rip tides not seen here since the Nixon Presidency.”

The infamous bay, perched high in the San Juans deep in the Edith Bunker National Forest, is currently at overflow stage thwarting ocean-going commerce and giant oil tankers attempting to plot their way over Imogene Pass. Local fauna and flora, caught in the path of the water have been driven out or in some more drastic episodes, have perished. It is hoped that summer tourist season or the fall color extravaganza will not be affected.

 “Back in the drought days a phenomenon like this would have been unthinkable,” said Katz. “This may very well be the most destructive environmental development since they started building golf corpses in the elk habitat without pay-offs to Mother Nature.

Initial plans to start containment fires along E-Bay’s vast shoreline have been abandoned due to concerns over bear foraging and the annual marmot migration. Projections now suggest that when rains subside the situation will return to normal.

“The problem is that the flood waters put all our fires out on impact,” said Katz “It’s a miracle that the entire town of Ouray wasn’t swept away to the Bland Valley,” he continued. “If it weren’t for the sophisticated flume system we could all be speaking Chinese by now.”

– Uncle Pahgre

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