Scientists Isolate Antidote for Molybdenum

(Gothic)) Research associates at the Rocky Mountain Biological Laboratory here have successfully unleashed a new formula that removes neutral ions and most base elements common to the substance called molybdenum. The breakthrough, called revolutionary in even the most conservative circles, isolates the moly then strips it away from mountain veins in a classic precipitation by suspended vapor.

Celebrated as the homogeneous answer to the mining vs. environment issue here, the formula is expected to be stitched together using a prehistoric DNA spur solution and synthetic genomes left lying around last summer then applied undiluted where the existence of moly is most chronic. When there’s no more molybdenum, there’s no more need to extract the stuff from the ground.

“We’ll probably spray the mixture in its liquid state all over Red Lady by air,” said one activist, “then pipe clean water and air into the exposed cavities so to muck out holdover minerals. The key is to complete the distribution of the antidote without awakening the natural gas fields, coal deposits, gold and silver ore and zinc strains that have always run through these mountains. The process is simple enough and reasonably safe although we are replacing the atomic structure by occupying interstitial positions above 12,000 feet

Molybdenum is used to harden steel. In addition to military uses, the alloy is used to manufacture tennis racquets and mountain bikes. Heavy deposits are found in Iran, parts of Russia and in Colorado. For decades, most people in Crested Butte have fought attempts to mine the alloy saying mining conflicts with lifestyles and livelihoods for the majority of residents.

It ain’t cheap to buy land here however under the controversial Mining Law of 1872 the feds sold Phelps Dodge 155 acres near the town for $875 despite an estimate, by the dark-souled company, that the land could produce up to $160 million in profits over 10 years. Fractional ownership?

“That’s a pretty good chunk of land for the money,” said Marigold Sonovobitche, a realtor from Vermont who now lives here. “That was public land owned by the people of the United States who had no say whatsoever in the transfer. I just hope Snodgrass is safe from the mining companies so that the ski area can expand. Imagine what rumbling ore trucks will do to all the trophy homes dotting the hills above Mt Crested Butte?”

None of the companies who got in on the recent windfall will pay the federal gov’ment so much as a penny for the value of minerals extracted. Newmont Mining, located in Denver, has claimed an estimated 350,000 acres of public land in the western United States while Canadian and Australian companies round out the top ten recipients on mineral welfare.

“Hopefully we won’t have to deal with all that if there’s no more molybdenum,” said Harriet Condo who admits that it’s far more enjoyable riding bikes and skiing than monitoring the federal government.

“Why can’t they just mine in Gunnison?” she asked. “People down there like that sort of thing. Why can’t those bad ol’ Canadians go back to Canada or wherever they’re from? Why can’t the US invade other countries that have molybdenum and leave Crested Butte alone?”

The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency estimates that mine wastes contaminate 40 percent of western headwaters. The agency adds that taxpayers should pay the $35 billion cleanup bill that is increasing daily. That’s a tough solution to a problem that won’t just go away. The mining companies won’t clean up after themselves.

“We’re not against normal growth but tough love at less than a dollar an acre is just another taxpayer rip-off,” added Sonovobitche.

 – Alabaster Max