Rare Asian Termite Eating Wal-Mart

(Montrose) One of this city’s cultural delights, the Super Wal-Mart, is at risk. The culprit is a rare Chinese termite that was most likely delivered in a shipment of Chinese goods pegged for sale at the discount spot.

Despite eternal claims to the contrary, the merchandising giant that anchors the bright lights of South Townsend Avenue, sells more foreign made products than American goods. The termites reportedly eat them all without prejudice…plus the bricks, the light fixtures, the ceiling and maybe the shoppers too.

County building inspectors are hesitant to declare the store a disaster area fearing loss of tax revenue and repercussions from Wal-Mart attorneys. Insiders say the place could collapse any time citing problems with the foundation and a growing number of caverns in the cirque huge parking lot which graces the front of the complex.

Local fumigators who have isolated the termite’s position promise to have the area sealed off by tomorrow or so. A comprehensive spraying campaign is expected to rid the town of the pest but it’s probably too late for Wal-Mart. Early warnings by insect control sources were ignored by middle management and several employees who blew the whistle on the termites were suspended without pay. Some face execution.

“We just hope the spray is effective in killing these destructive intruders,” said one technician. “If not we’ll have to use nuclear weapons. We have them over in Branson.”

Termites digest wood, paper and other products containing cellulose, with the aid of protozoa in their bodies. It is not known if a high incidence of cellulite in the consumer population  attracted the pests or if the insects were just plain hungry after the 30-hour flight from Asia.

– Margot Rotweiller

Field hippies needed to monitor subsidized farms according to the Agricultural Adjustment Act of 1938.

Filed Under: Reflections on Disorder

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